The news in brief 8th September 2015

The news in brief:

So yeah – yesterday happened and we got really angry about the news – and we totally let rip. Sorry about that, but we only offended, like, 0.1% of our audience so that’s something…

So we know that man’s inhumanity to man continues apace, and we know that religion’s bodycount continues to mount, but for the love of all that is good, let’s try and find something a bit happier:

Medieval justice can’t silence woman’s voice

Pro tip: women like sex too

Even though we don’t agree with her ass-backward belief – we have a lot of time for someone who goes to the mat for their principles

Elephants enjoy picnics too

Study states the obvious: sleep is good for you

Festive goers are pretty rad dudes

Family re-united

Hostile nations start to play nice (if only a little bit)

Economy a little bit less shit  

Naughty little boys are totally amazing

Science helps blind woman ‘see’

Six-year-old is tougher than you are…

Undergarment saves the day!

Nudes in brief Bella Thorne

And finally: dog is super well-behaved

Well, that’s your lot: the rest is all rape, murder, muggings, hit-and-runs, paedophilia, sexual abuse, poverty and war.

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

   

The news in brief 7th September 2015

The news in brief:

Once again, it’s time for the The news in brief to school some of the horse-fucking thunder-cunts who foul up the Internet with their small-minded ignorant comments.

We’re based in South Tyneside. It’s a bit run down in places and it has its rough areas, but on the whole it’s a pretty nice place to live. We have some alright shops, a pretty decent hospital and some excellent beaches and parks.

The editor and I have a pretty comfortable life. We don’t have spare money for things like holidays, but our bills are paid and we eat every day. We drive an 11 year old car, but we eat out from time to time and we both have sort-of up-to-date Smartphone. This was the reality for a great many Syrians too.  

But if the government started shelling the shit out of our postcode, you know what we’d do?  We’d grab our son and we would get the fuck out of dodge by any means necessary. You know what we wouldn’t do?

We wouldn’t stop to change out of our clothes and into the convenient rags we keep for just such an occasion.

We wouldn’t stop to take off our shoes and sock

We wouldn’t stop to make sure our Smartphones were left behind

So how about you stop saying shit like ‘they can’t be refugees, look at them, they’re taking selfies and they’re wearing a gap sweatshirt - filthy immigrant scum!’ because you know what, if the government started to shell the shit out of my hometown, and I’d survived a harrowing journey with a frightened and confused son, I’d probably want to take a selfie too.

Maybe so I could let my mum know I was still alive.

No-where in international law does it say that to qualify as a refugee, you have to live up to the preconceived expectations of what a refugee should look like. If that’s too complicated a sentence to handle, how about: ‘people with nice sweaters can be afraid for their families too.’  

Hope this clears things up.  

Pricks.

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

   

The news in brief 6th September 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

With all the human suffering going on in the world, it’s good to know that the news is keeping us up-to-date with all the things that really matter: like who’s fucking who and who’s outfits are a little bit similar

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Woman caught wearing comfortable clothes

Breaking news: woman posed nude quite some time ago

Woman goes outside

Singer not so good at geography

Stop the press: man does not wear shirt 100% of the time

Man spends time with family

Man updates social media

Pro tip: it’s only a public display of affection because you’re taking a fucking picture

Segue mishap

Wardrobe malfunction

The news in brief doesn’t give a shit about Strictly Come Dancing

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman wears bikini

Couple goes for a walk

Woman wears dress

Woman updates social media

Woman has the audacity to pop to the shops in jeans and a tee-shirt

Pregnant woman looks a bit pregnant

It’s still fucking weird to put photos of other people’s kids on the Internet

Nudes in brief: Nicole Scherzinger

And finally: Man wears suit to formal occasion

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

  

The news in brief 4th August 2015

The news in brief:

Newspapers full of hypocritical bullshit

Slacktivists come out in force

Country continues to treat human beings like shit

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Internet full of judgemental cunts

Scaremongering horseshit  

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Completely mental solution actually a little brilliant

Thank shitting Christ for some decent people…

Remember kids: crime doesn’t pay

Queen understandably likes a bit of Downton Abby

Great news: sex is good for your health

Shop thinks it’s still 1954

Economy is bad for your health

Facebook is bad for your marriage (apparently)

“School approved socks” can fuck right off

So, man-fucking-a-fish fetish is apparently a thing

Political correctness gone mad

Pro tip: if you’re going to taunt the person you’re burgling, make sure you’re good at running

Newspaper doesn’t bother to wait for both sides of the story

Study states the obvious: fast food is bad for you

Indistinct smear probably not a ghost

Nudes in brief: Miley Cyrus (again)

And finally: that sheep isn’t so fluffy any more

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 3rd September 2015

The news in brief:

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Europe finally sits up and pays attention (some of it anyway)

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch continues her mission to offend everyone

Turns out the attention-seeking hyper-bitch is an amateur filth-wizard

Breaking news: law applies to everyone, bitch

Pro tip: guns are fucking dangerous

Business chooses unimaginative new name

Article walks the fine line between news and product placement   

Study states the obvious: cats don’t give a shit about us

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Slow news day? Newspaper wheels out fifty-billion-year-old Lad Bible meme

Weather set to become increasingly autumnal

Economy still pretty shit

World’s biggest car-boot sale turns 20

Newspaper not at all biased

Controversial television is controversial

Scientists need to learn lessons from The Wrath of Khan

Medieval justice system threatens to ruin two more lives

Turns out that honey is kinda sugary, why knew?!

Minors probably shouldn’t have smartphones  

Mugger learns the hard way about judging a book by its cover….

Indistinct blur probably not aliens

Nudes in brief: Olympia Valance

And finally: sheep is very fluffy   

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 2nd September 2015

The news in brief:

The Summary Squirrel gets right to the heart of this week’s burning issues 

The news in brief 1st September 2015

The news in brief:

The Department of Work and Pensions had a pretty good idea on paper: let's not write people off as beyond any use to society and leave them to subsist on handouts, instead let's focus on what people can do and empower them to find work and ensure that employers help them. Freedom. Independence. Dignity.  The news in brief loves heaping bowlfuls of that.  

But when you send a 20 page 'prove you're unfit for work' assessment form to someone who cannot read or speak, has autism, epilepsy and Down's syndrome, cannot feed or clothe themselves and needs help going to the fucking bathroom, you're a cunt.  

Now stop reading the news and get back to work.  We read it so you don't have to...