The news in brief 21st and 22nd August 2014

The news in brief:

Customer service hiccup presented as news

Public upset when rules they demanded are applied them

Shadow government promises something we already have

News outlet doesn’t like singer’s clothes

Study states the obvious: brushing your teeth is good for your teeth

Whale’s inhumanity to sea-lion continues apace

Media no longer cares about fracking, badgers and motherfucking Boko Haram

Asshole landlord is an asshole

Shocking revelation that tenants might actually have rights

Apparently aid is a bad thing now?!

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

News from 1993 somehow ends up in today’s papers…

Monkey madness!

Turns out politics is actually pretty complicated

Heterosexual couples continue to undermine the sanctity of marriage

Outrage: man contractually entitled to holiday

Hospital food ‘a bit shit’

Science validates Chris de Burgh

Professor confuses legitimate study for the plot of I, Robot

Pushy mum forgets how to person  

‘This is a local pub for local people there’s nothing for you here!’

Pro tip: home baker is still an amateur baker if he’s won the blue ribbon at a village fete in Bumbleslump, Nowheresville   

Nudes in brief: Italy

And finally: four year-old food critic is not impressed 

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

Speaking of holidays; it’s the late August Bank Holiday and I am abdicating all responsibility beyond eating, sleeping and keeping my baby alive. See you Tuesday.  

The news in brief 20th August 2014

The news in brief:

Giant troll offends the entire Internet

Newsreader pro police brutality

Study states the obvious: coconut is good for you

Woman really likes milk

Apparently it’s really hard to go two hours without checking your phone

Actress looks nice in dresses

Wild speculation about woman’s knitwear

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Not killing each other apparently too much like hard work

Man’s inhumanity to man continues to mount

World agrees that beheading a dude is NOT fucking cool

Man really doesn’t like milk

No shit: sperm donors have lots of babies

Self-aggrandising wankers draw attention to themselves

Late August bank holiday weather ‘likely to be shit’

How dare a vulnerable little girl ask a few dozen people to go a few measly hours with their delicious salty nuts in order to not die? Who does she think she is?! #sarcasm

Nudes in brief: Myleene Klass

Common sense: 1. Weak-kneed namby-pamby liberal-lefty bullshit: 0

Scientists need to stop what they’re doing right now and read some Spider-Man before it’s too late!

Six-year-old hurt by outrageous deviant thundercunts

“Killer who was released from prison early only to reoffend walks free from court AGAIN after his fourth brush with the lawr” Never mind the headline, you’d think one of the leading news outlets would spell check its fucking headlines

And finally…   science confirms it is okay to pee in the ocean

Reading the news so you don’t have to…   

  

     

The news in brief 19th August 2014

The news in brief how-to-look-like-an-evil-dictatorship special:

Step 1: march Amnesty International away from what you're doing with their hands in the air.
Step 2: ??????
Step 3: profit

Reading the news so you don’t have to. ..

Breaking news

Breaking news: people's stupidity forces social media to label which news is real and which is satirical. 

This is not satirical. 

Breaking news

Breaking news: newspaper shamelessy scaremongers with inaccurate prediction hours before actual announcement

The news in brief 18th August 2014

The news in brief:

Shock: liking a status on Facebook doesn’t cure cancer…

…but once a year some ladies on the Internet decide that the way to battle cancer is to put up an embarrassing Facebook status to confound and confuse the boys. Shhhhh, don’t tell!

And every year one of my network of super secret girl friends gets the email and copies me in and I ruin it for everyone.

This year it seems to be gender neutral, which I suppose is a step in the right direction, but it still doesn’t do jack shit.

‘Cos you see, you can’t cure cancer by typing anything on Facebook if it’s not followed up by action, and you can’t raise awareness by deliberately confusing or confounding other members of the donating, fund raising, caring, sharing, helping, population.

Go run a race, or shake a bucket, or donate some clothes to a charity shop, or sit in a bath of goddamned baked beans, but for the love of whatever gods you believe in, don’t be an armchair slacktivist.

This years rules in full:

QUOTE "You shouldn't have liked or commented! Now you have to pick one from these below and post it to your status. This is THE 2014 BREAST & PROSTATE CANCER AWARENESS game. Don't be a spoil sport, pick your poison from one of these and change your status, 1) Damn my balls are sweaty 2) Just used my boobs to get out of a speeding ticket 3) Anyone have a tampon, I'm out? 4) How do you get rid of foot fungus? 5) Why is nobody around when I'm horny? 6) No toilet paper, goodbye socks. 7) Someone has offered me a job as a condom tester, but I'm hesitant. 8 )I think I'm in love with someone, what should I do? 9) I've decided to stop wearing underwear. 10) It's confirmed, I'm going to be a Mummy / Daddy! 11) just won £900 on a scratch card 12) I love my big bouncy boobies. 13) i swing my balls back and forth. 14) that wasn't a fart, new pants please. Post with no explanations So sorry I fell for it too!!!!! Looking forward to your post Shhhhh!!"

In other news:

Sweden shows the world how to police

America shows the world how not to police

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Israeli couple show that love really is stronger than hate. Nice one.

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Minor customer service error represented as news

Strange lights in sky probably not aliens

Invasion of the giant spider

Nudes in brief: Ola Jordan

Health and fucking safety strikes again

Actors have sense of humour

Diana Watch 2014: after bright sun and torrential rain, memorial garden understandably overgrown. Still dead.

And finally… giant swastikas make houses harder to sell

Reading the news so you don’t have it…

The news in brief 17th August 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Stop the press: summery top worn IN SUMMER

Woman wears sweater

Photographer intrudes on family day out

Shock: woman has nipples

Couple’s argument is somehow our business

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch Mark II basically panhandling on the Internet

Addiction is tragic and dangerous for everyone – even celebrities

Woman dresses appropriately for the weather

Overzealous religious types threaten to attend funeral

Heterosexuals continue to undermine the sanctity of marriage

Temporary contract comes to natural and inevitable conclusion

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Outrage: women spends £12.00 on a pair of practical day-to-day shoes

Paparazzi intrudes on people having lunch

Woman wears dress

Woman updates social media

Newspaper doesn’t like woman’s clothes

Family goes to the beach (and for some reason we need to know)

  

Woman wears bikini

Newspaper doesn’t like man’s clothes

Woman has legs

Celebrity caught going outside

Nudes in brief: everyone seems to be dressed today  

And finally: bird shits in footballer’s mouth

Reading the news so you don’t have to…