The news in brief 7th January 2014

The news in brief: 

Hide and seek taken to new extremes 

Doctors change teenager's face for bullies 

Society's narrow definition of beauty reinforced 

Games console misses the point 

Media drums up anti-immigration feeling 

German PM is unstoppable force of nature 

Small number of Accident and Emergency repeat offenders = convenient scapegoat 

It's still winter 

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Online bullying is NOT okay (unless you're a newspaper doing it) 

Religion's bodycount continues to mount  

Huge firm makes billing error - paper runs obligatory picture of sad-faced man holding the bill

Unstoppable mutant super-rats attack! 

As Edinburgh returns to normal - the UK wonders 'what was in that bag?!' 

Old lady laughs in the face of nature 

42 INCH LEGS!

Newspaper renders statistic useless by omitting relevant information   

Wanna watch brutal CCTV footage? See it here folks!

Newspaper panders to the lowest common denominator 

House for sale 

Man starts new job 

Diana Watch 2014: 'still' dead 

Thigh gap not enough. Now you need a bikini bridge! - GET THINNER! 

Man invents awesome new dating tactic 

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The news in brief 6th January 2014

The news in brief:

Celebrity spendthrift sets back equal rights by eight billion years

Panellist grotesquely oversimplifies complicated issue

Media’s war against teachers continues apace

More economic woes to come

Ignorant thundercunt gets collared

News has already decided what music you will enjoy this year

Hero cop was a human being

It’s still raining

Heavy snow forecast for January in the Western Hemisphere

Man’s inhumanity to man continues

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Poland poses a fair question

Britain is totally the bigger man (bless)

Story reaches logical conclusion

Awesome sci-fi science helps kid

Diana Watch 2014: still ‘dead’

Fracking is still a thing apparently

WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

CBB: Girls kissing

Three hour orgasm not as hot as it sounds

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The news in brief 5th January 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Separated couple get back together

Woman wears ring

Couple looks at each other IN PUBLIC

New mum posts baby picture

Woman NAKED under her CLOTHES!

Potter partner in ‘it-might-just-be-sherbet’ scandal

Older woman has kept her figure

Consenting adults have sexy time

Outrage as old lady doesn’t want to be on her feet too long, for a second week in a row!

Man trims nails

Couple holds hands IN THE STREET

Woman says derogatory things about ex-partner bedroom abilities

Celebrity fails to avoid paparazzi

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Photographers intrude on family day out

Man drinks coffee!

Singer likes fruit

Woman does not conform to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Actress defies Hollywood with common sense

Minor celebrity acts like tramp for attention

  

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Breaking news

Breaking news: militant vegetarian offends (almost) the entire civilised world

The news in brief 4th January 2014

The news in brief horoscope special:

Today, we’re taking two different newspapers and smashing their horoscopes together, just to see what happens…

Aries: Don’t bite off more than you can chew, you busy little beaver, you - but nothing can stop you today.        

Libra: Cheer up Sourpuss, people don’t hate you - but you need to crack on with your work.

Taurus: Time to get on with the boring bits of homeownership - but you need a holiday first.

Scorpio:  Man up, loser – but you need to relax and unwind before you do.  

Gemini: Doing good is its own reward, keep up it – but stop spending money you don’t have.

Sagittarius: Everyone hates their boss. Pretend you don’t – but it’s time to put your feet up first.

Cancer: You’re the best and most amazing person ever - but it’s all about love today, so get it on!

Capricorn: Shut up and pay attention, you mouthy prick – but put your feet up and unwind first.

Leo: Sharing is caring – but you did all the work so you deserve to spoil yourself.

Aquarius: Stop spending money you don’t have – and stop eating so much, fatty!

Virgo: Stop spending your partner’s money, – but it’s time to smooch and spend money!

Pisces: Pull your head out of your arse, you selfish dick – it’s time to talk about people’s emotional issues (wow that one kinda works!)

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The news in brief 3rd January 2014

The news in brief:

Man who wants to manage our country can't even manage his own finances

BNP press office are a bit cunt-y (allegedly of course *ahem*) 

Karma is awesome, isn't it? 

Graffiti artist victim of irony

Sensible advice misrepresented as Dickensian nightmare fuel

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Two thirds of doctors DON'T think charging for A&E is a good idea

Media doesn't let the facts spoil a good story 

Have you checked behind your sofa for Romanians?

Weather still shit

Pudgy woman comfort eats

Eating sensibly is good for you

Unfounded speculation regurgitated as news

Fucked up justice: murder by remote?!  

Diana Watch 2014: still dead

Maths is good for kids

New book states the obvious

Being a pushy parent is NOT okay

Nudes in brief: Kat Graham

Earth could be 0.008% heavier than first thought - whoopity-fucking-do

Instagram users like arse

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The news in brief 2nd January 2014

The news in brief:

The earth completes another orbit of the sun

BBC confuses 'New Year's Eve celebrations' with ' letting singer plug his new album'

£1.8 million burned up over the Themes

PM repeats popular opinion

Public celebrates entirely arbitrary start/end date of the Georgian calender

Trains tickets are fucking expensive

Newspaper's scaremongering pretty much a blatant lie

Clearly made up statistic

Man pads his CV

Medieval morality applied to social media

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

It's still winter

People enjoyed Sherlock

Nudes in brief: Lady Gaga

Only a matter of time before we're balls deep in burned out caravans

Diana Watch 2014: still dead

Twerking is apparently news now

Colorado gets totally high, man

Hippy bullshit

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