The news in brief 21st June 2016

The news in brief referendum addendum (Brexit edition:)

Voting is hard. Knowing who to vote for is even harder. If you still don’t have a clue what it is you’re voting for on June 23^rd, here’s a list of glorious heroes who  are (probably) voting to leave the dirty bastard European Union behind and a list of heathen hate machines who are voting to remain:

Leave:

GI Joe

Marshal Bravestarr

Lion-O

Optimus Prime

He-Man

Captain America

Captain Kirk

Donatello (artist)

Donatello (ninja turtle)

Danger Mouse

Remain:

Cobra Commander

Tex Hex

Mum-ra

Megatron

Skeletor

The Red Skull

KHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANN!

The Shredder

Baron Greenback

The news in brief referendum addendum (Bremain edition:)

Voting is hard. Knowing who to vote for is even harder. If you still don’t have a clue what it is you’re voting for on June 23^rd, here’s a list of upstanding gentlefolk who are (probably) voting to remain in the European Union and a list of gormless guff trumpets who are voting to leave:

Remain:

GI Joe

Marshal Bravestarr

Lion-O

Optimus Prime

He-Man

Captain America

Captain Kirk

Donatello (artist)

Donatello (ninja turtle)

Danger Mouse

Leave:

Cobra Commander

Tex Hex

Mum-ra

Megatron

Skeletor

The Red Skull

KHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANN!

The Shredder

Baron Greenback

  

  

The news in brief 20th June 2016

This week’s celebrity news in brief:

Friends go outside together

Woman wears hat

Man wears jacket

Woman updates social media

People act like twats on the Internet

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Life imitates art

Fucking on the telly ‘generally not a good idea.’

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Woman dresses appropriately for the weather

Cleavage is NOT news

Man conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Midriff is NOT news

Breaking news: woman wears sunglasses

Woman photographed going outside

Pro tip: it’s not a ‘public’ display of affection if you have to use a long lens

Quick question: how is this not stalking

Nudes in brief: Ashleigh Deftly

And finally: a brilliant young ensign boldly goes far too soon

Reading the news so you don’t have to...

The news in brief 19th June 2016

The news in brief referendum addendum: 

Here's the Summary Squirrel's official prediction for the EU referendum:

The news in brief 18th June 2016

The news in brief referendum addendum:

Here's our official prediction for the EU referendum:

It's all been a long, slow-burning set-up for the return of beloved television prankster Jeremy Beadle, who faked his death in 2008 in preparation for the longest long con in TV history.

Imagine David Cameron's face when Nigel Farage takes of his mask and it's Beadle. Then out comes Jeremy Corbyn who had masterminded the whole thing, yelling gotcha.

Classic.

Then Michael Jackson plays us out...

The news in brief 17th June 2016

Today’s (and a bit of yesterday’s) news in brief:

Tributes continue to pour in for life cut tragically short

Bob Geldof’s is bigger than Nigel Farage’s

Sun has the best headline of all time. Of all time.

Usual spite-trumpets don’t waste any time

Either EU budget uses non-linear quantum un-numbers, or *someone’s* full of shit  

Chicken wings seemed like a good idea at the time

Politician probably ‘just tired and showing off’  

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Politician goes full Hitler

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Teacher forgets how to person

Bigots caught bigotting

Medieval justice system surprises no-one

Asshole fans spoil it for everyone

At this stage we’re pretty sure guns *do* kill people   

Lady Penelope’s new car puts Parker out of a job

Study states the obvious: holidays help reduce work-related stress

Nudes in brief: Laura Carter

And finally: millionaire has better birthday party than you...

Reading the news so you don’t have to...