The news in brief 31st March 2016

Today’s news in brief:

2016 claims another TV legend

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Cat coppers are totally a thing now, whatever next?

Dog pilots. That's what.

Woman really hates car

Car really hates woman

Woman wastes police time

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Little girl is smarter than you

Man not wizard after all

Bile-spewing hate-engine sets back equality by 5 million years

Mad suggestion that everyone should have the same rights

Breaking news: people are free to wear whatever the fuck they want

Indistinct blurr probably not a ghost

Despicable cunt-whistle gets what he deserves

Genes will kill us all

Weather set to get less wintery over next three months

Study states the obvious: being punched in the head is bad for you

Nudes in brief: Courteney Stodden

And finally: newspaper digs up meme from like, 1915…

Reading the news so you don’t have to...

The news in brief 30th March 2016

Today’s news in brief:

We were going to make a joke about how Meatloaf would do anything for love but he wouldn't hijack an aeroplane,  but it seemed a bit too soon and a bit insensitive. Instead here's the Summary Squirrel with his round up of the week's top stories:

The news in brief 29th March 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Religion's bodycount continues to…. sigh :(

Fish is really fucking big

UN pisses off 1982

Schools find news way to annoy parents

Flag designer may need to have a rethink

Magazine acts like a twat on the Internet

Shop reinforces gender stereotypes

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Coffee shop's social media team win at Internetting

Dog accurately describes how we all feel

Hijacking is a little bit funny. But only a little bit.

Voodoo nutjobs still inexplicably pushing agenda

Apple's in a spot of bother

Pro tip: if someone else's genitals are causing you concern, one of you is bathrooming wrong

Mad suggestion that people should be treated like people regardless of height

Asshole surprises no-one

Hardcore granny really wanted to be on that boat

Austerity: 1, human kindness: 0

Nudes in brief: Ashley Graham

And finally: Man desperate to avoid that pesky baggage charge…

Reading the news so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 24th March 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Within the space of two hours, the same newspaper shared two conflicting stories: one saying you should totally skip breakfast fatty, the other saying breakfast is the most important meal of the day (but eat two little ones instead of one big one.)

We take this as conclusive proof that you can prove anything with statistics and you shouldn't pay attention to anything you read. Especially on the Internet.

If you don't hear from us again, it's because we died from eating nothing but coffee and deep-fried cheesecake for breakfast.

In other news:

Europe still feeling pretty ropey

Bigots take to the Internet in droves

Politicians use tragedy to try and score points

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Retired man has zero shits to give

Virtual donkey causes virtual chaos

Missing boat shows up

Nazi hate-engine gives Skynet a run for its money

Man's inhumanity continues apace

Asshole gets what he deserves

Bard loses his head

Nudes in brief: Alessandro Ambrosio

And finally: man has incredible hangover

Reading the news so you don’t have to...

The news in brief 21st March 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Ship builders have no idea how the Internet works

We totally voted for Boaty McBoatface

Teabags will save us all

North Korea is really mad at the ocean

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Bank holiday traffic forecast surprises no-one

German nutjobs apparently not big fans of history

Soldiers test out Harry Potter tech

Pro tip assholes: rabbits are not disposable items

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Newspaper learns about gross baby bottles months after everyone else

Newspaper demonises immigrants

Newspaper demonises the homeless

Pizza helps win the war on terror

Skynet is eyeing up your job too

Outraged morons furious about things that don't affect them (or anyone else)

Study states the obvious: insomnia is pretty fucking awful

Diana Watch 2016: how many monuments does one woman need? Also still dead.

Stars in their bras: Gemma Atkinson

And finally: big business hopes to make billions from your misery…

Reading the news so you don’t you don’t have to...

The news in brief 18th March 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Steaming hypocritic claims moral victory

2016 continues to mow down beloved celebrities

Breaking news: periods no longer a luxury

Knee jerk reactions a-go-go

Millions of disabled people miraculously cured

People are literally never satisfied

Rogue nation surprises no-one

Kids suggest that maybe they’re under enough pressure

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Tax office fear rise of the homemade lemonade speakeasy

Medieval government still treats women like shit

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Coffee drinkers prepare for revolution

Teddy bear’s arm not a penis

Economy still pretty shit

Nation hungover after day-long racial slur

Church has been very naughty

Sanctimonious git needs to climb down from his high horse

Nudes in brief: doesn't seem appropriate when the boobs aren't voluntarily

And finally: sex toys made from dead partner’s ashes are totally a thing now

Reading the news so you don’t you don’t have to...

The news in brief 16th March 2016

Today’s news in brief:

The Summary Squirrel gets to the root of the week's top stories: