The news in brief 28th February 2016

This week’s celebrity news in brief:

Feck.

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The news in brief 26th and 27th February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

‘Work until you die’ suggests man with comfortable job

Economic woes look set to deepen

Media's narrow definition of beauty not geographically consistent

Kids try to bamboozle the pope

Eurovision inexplicably still a thing

Students not so good at the whole irony thing

Pro tip: silencing any voice that disagrees with you is the exact opposite of liberal

Medieval morality continues to treat women like shit

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Newspaper’s outpourings of sympathy apparently have geopolitical boundaries

Absolute bastard forgets how to human being

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Famous woman enjoys a bit of Internet porn... OH MY GOD WHO CARES?!

Blurry lights probably not aliens (except they totally could be)

Fraudulent dumbfuckery not that nice a tribute

Fizzy pop will kill us all

Runaway unicorn!

BBC in a whole mess of trouble

Mushrooms will save us all!

Stars in their bras: Holly Hagan

And finally: ‘ceasefire’ surprises no-one

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The news in brief 25th February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Everybody in the UK suddenly experts on traffic management and animal control

Police threaten to use force on desperate homeless people who have lost everything

Schoolyard bully picks on the poor kid's uniform

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Newspaper victim of its own success

E-cigarettes will kill us all

Exercise on the way to work you lazy bastards

Frankenspunk to the rescue!

Queen's missing pigeon shows up

Man has mildly clever idea

Trains are shit

NHS still getting fucked

Economy massively screwed

Pro tip: let strangers stay in your house

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Bureaucratic nightmare treats child like shit

Diana Watch 2016: even Trump’s at it. Still dead though.

Study states the obvious: wasteful packaging is wasteful

Nudes in brief: Chloe Ferry

And finally: little boy has a Messi adventure

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The news in brief 24th February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Once again we scrape the bottom of the journalistic barrel and let the Summary Squirrel loose on the week's top stories:

The news in brief 23rd February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Attack of the zombie fish

Ceasefire looks hopeful

Prison has gone to shit

Drug drones are totally a thing

Brutal justice system admits it might have been a teeny bit heavy handed

Old woman has zero fucks to give

Space music is some freaky-assed shit

LEGO doesn't discriminate (and neither should you)

Small minority of out-of-touch plutocrats continue to tell you what to think

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Mobile phones will kill us all

Panic!!!

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Come on Sweden, there's permissive and then there's *shudder*

Pro tip: refugees are not martians

Great news: chocolate helps you think more good (but don't eat the plastic)

Teaching comparative religion: good. Misleading headlines: bad

Study states the obvious: sugar is bad for you

Stars in their bras: Tamara Eccleston

And finally: cat is pretty fucking photogenic

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The news in brief 22nd February 2016

This week’s celebrity news in brief :

Breaking news: woman trusts husband

Woman updates social media

Baby pictures are somehow news

Cleavage is not news

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Woman does job

Woman wears dress

Newspaper still obsessed with minor

Wild speculation about teenage romance

It's still fucking weird to take photos of other people's kids and put them on the Internet

Woman fails to conform to media's narrow definition of beauty

Woman wears bikini

Man wears hat

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Woman wears jacket

Stop the press: woman has legs

Nipples still aren't news

Nudes in brief: Ronnie Woods’ unnamed bikini-clad fan

So... it's okay to photograph an anonymous woman’s arse and put that on the Internet?!

And finally: attention-seeking hyper-bitch shows her human side

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The news in brief 21st February 2016

Today's news in brief:

Passionate about politics? So are we. Care about the future of the United Kingdom? So do we. Bothered about impartiality in your journalism? Us too. So here’s our completely impartial guide to the upcoming referendum:

Reasons to stay in the European Union:

If you didn’t know any better, it could be pronounced European Onion

We can go back to our traditional eight day week, and drive on the right hand side of the road again

France

We won’t have to find a new Currywurst dealer

We won’t have to come up with a new name for the Eurostar when it goes in the other direction

Unrestricted access to Berlin’s marmalade fountains

It’ll keep the undead spirit of zombie Napoleon down for another thousand years

We’d have to hold another referendum afterwards to see if we should go back to a flat-earth belief system

We’d have to start hiring privateers again  

Reasons to leave the European Union:  

We can stop pretending that pancakes are called ‘crepes’

We can abandon reason and logic and return to ass-backwards imperial measurements  

France  

Snickers, Cif and Star Burst can change back to Marathon, Jif and Opal Fruits

We can totally start hiring privateers again

Without Berlin’s marmalade fountains, Wale’s jam mines will reopen

Winston Churchill will return from Avalon and lead us to a new golden age

Knobbly pint glasses

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