The news in brief 30th October 2015

Happy Halloween you fantastic bastards!

The news in brief 29th October 2015

The news in brief:

BE AFRAID. BE VERY AFRAID!

Cybercriminals just aren't fun anymore

Politician is a hypocritical arse

Oppressive regime slightly less oppressive

Study states the obvious: 90 year-old has seen at least 9 decades

Population looks set to skyrocket

Skynet, sorry, Google wants to fix your head

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

People really want to see Harry Potter

CO-OP probably not haunted

Princess wears the same dress more than once… OH MY GOD WHO CARES?!

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

School teacher total loses her shit

Pro tip assholes: stop taxing vaginas

Newspaper completely dismisses debilitating illness

Turns out you've probably got herpes

Medieval mortality confused by hair

Elephants probably not responsible for pay dispute. Dicks.

Happy couple share their blessings

Skydiver probably wants a new hobby

Nudes in brief: Chanel Iman

And finally: Hero toddler tells his diagnosis to do one…

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The news in brief 28th October 2015

The news in brief 27th October 2015

The news in brief:

Men with beards literally full of shit

Need a new heart? Why not 3D print a new one?  

Man’s inhumanity to crabs continues apace

Secretive state surprises no-one

Newspaper oddly keen to start a war with China

Scientists figure out how to make a tractor beam  

Mass transit system fails to figure out how to ‘keep trains running when there are leaves on the line.’

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Shame there’s no consensus on what counts as ‘processed.’

Stealth fracking not as hot as it sounds

Historically oppressive government turns its sights on Halloween

Pro tip: meat is safe so long as you eat it raw and still mooing. Ideally in a field.   

Social media FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!

People will sell any old shit on ebay

Russian criminals own the stereotype

Slow news day? Newspaper rolls out some customer service tweets

Pro tip: women are people and not commodities

Modern art is rubbish

Planet of the Apes may actually be a thing come 2017…

Study states the obvious: office job stifles your ability to think stuff good

Ironic dog name

Nudes in brief: Farrah Abraham

And finally: woman’s Halloween costume is so much better than yours

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 26th October 2015

The news in brief:

Bacon will kill us all!

Sausages will kill us all!

Please God, don’t let it happen to baked beans too

Pizza giants devise way to bring hot carcinogens to your door

Controversial changes blocked controversially

Dirty hypocrites quickly change their tune

Impartial nature decides area hasn’t suffered enough

Man’s inhumanity to bears continues apace

15-year-old is smarter than you

Pro tip: stay off the fucking railway lines!

People who live in the countryside side surprised to learn that people need houses

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Study states the obvious: too much booze is bad for you

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace   

Product placement still isn’t news…

Breaking news: people with fewer dependants tend to have more money

Newspapers start hyping up Black Friday already (since when did we do this anyway?!)

Virtual Reality headset is pretty fucking awesome

Good Samaritan saves the day

Heavy-handed bureaucrats make life even harder to sick little girl

Man angry that government didn’t budget for him

Newspapers indulges in a spot of cyberbullying

Nudes in brief: Amanda Cerny

And finally: indistinct blur probably not a ghost

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The news in brief 25th October 2015

Sorry about the lack of post on Friday: between the school stabbings, the multiple traffic deaths and the monster weather about to batter Mexico there wasn’t a lot to crack wise about, so we did the respectful thing and kept our fucking mouths shut. It’s a shame because we really wanted to make a smart comment about cunty politicians making old people wait in the cold…

The news in brief celebrity special:

Breaking new: man has new girlfriend

Woman has hair

Woman updates social media

Cleavage is NOT news

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Family breakdown is somehow our business

Stop the press: woman not wearing makeup

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Newspaper has opinions about woman’s hair style

Woman wears dress

Woman has legs

Pregnant woman looks a bit pregnant

Woman goes outside!

Woman has the audacity to wear comfortable clothes

Hold the front page: woman buys pumpkin!

Family wears beachwear AT THE BEACH!

Newspaper objectifies human being

Pro tip: cyberbullying is still wrong when the target’s a celebrity

Nudes in brief: Lana Jeavons

And finally: watch out for that parachutist!

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The news in brief 22nd October 2015:

The news in brief:

Sugar will kill us all

Politician surprises no-one

Good news for nap lovers

Annual occurrence inexplicably still news

Misleading headline

Poster makers had one job!

Medieval mortality ruins another life

Parents forget how to parent

Film probably didn't predict 9/11

tNiB approves of coffee shop's name

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Social media is the new video games

Breaking news: government officials not at work 100% of the day

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Economy not as shit as it was (so long as you're happy to look the other way…)

Study states the obvious: stress is bad for you

Pro tip: emotional availability is good for your relationship

Product placement is NOT news

Nudes in brief: Gwyneth Paltrow

And finally: Nazi doll is probably just a coincidence

Reading the news so you don't have to...