The news in brief 30th June 2015

The news in brief:

Leap seconds are apparently a thing

Festival-goer has pretty shitty day

Innocent child has even shittier day

Trains may be delayed due to wrong kind of heat

European Union set to soil itself at midnight (thank Christ for that leap second)

Mad suggestion that jobs should go to the best qualified

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Apparently sperm can have a religion now

Study states the obvious: a giant asteroid would seriously fuck Earth’s shit up

Mankind wages war against seagulls

Search engine is a little bit racist

UK ignores tennis champion (because apparently women in wheelchairs aren’t interesting enough…)

Economy still pretty shit

American attention-seeking hyper-bitches eclipse home-grown British varieties

Scaremongering is not news

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Sex toys mistaken for terrorist iconography

Science is pretty fucking awesome: new cancer drug is totally amazing

Channel 4 undermines the sanctity of marriage

Medieval justice system destroys another life

Product placement is not news

Skinny jeans will kill us…. Wait, didn’t we already settle this?!

Nudes in brief: Emily Ratajkowski  

And finally: famous landmarks are less impressive from behind…

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

   

The news in brief 29th June 2015

The following is a public service announcement from The news in brief:

When was the last time you went to a church hall jumble sale? Last month? Last year? Ten years ago? However long it’s been, what do you remember? We remember trestle tables heaped with second-hand baby clothes, half-chewed G.I. Joe figures and homemade scones with too-hot tea served in barely watertight polystyrene cups. We also remember old people. Lots and lots of old people. Bible-types who go to church every Sunday and donate tinned fruit to the church’s Harvest Festival collection and knit scarves to sell at the Women’s Institute fete. They like to pinch little boy’s cheeks and they refuse to understand how putting the tickets back in the tombola keep the odds the same for everyone and increases the number of tickets you can sell. Do these people not want money to fix the church roof?!

We digress.     

How many times did you look at those grey-haired Jesus-botherers and think ‘I’ll bet those bile-spewing hatemongers are all members of the KKK. They should be shot, or deported, or shot then deported. Fuckers!’

The answer is probably zero.

That’s because not every Christian is a member of the KKK. The KKK are terrible human beings whilst most Christians are ordinary men and women who drink tea, eat toast and watch a bit of telly before bed. They seldom set fire to things and they are probably not inclined to lynch black people.

Somehow, this understanding doesn’t copy across to some of the impossibly vocal, but entirely slack-jawed yokels who ruin the Internet with their mindless comments about our Muslim brothers and sisters. Despite the fact that in Tunisia, groups of Muslims risked their lives to protect innocent beach-users from the recent terrorist attack, some people – some very noisy people - can’t fathom the very simple fact that not all Muslims are terrorists. Just the crazy ones.

ISIS are terrible human beings whilst most Muslims are ordinary men and women who drink tea, eat toast and watch a bit of telly before bed. They seldom blow things up and they are probably not inclined to shoot people.

It’s really not that hard, and if some of you absolute wankers who like to comment on the news could maybe apply a few milliseconds of thought before you spew bile all over your keyboards, that would be just swell.

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

   

The news in brief 28th June 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Show’s final episode probably a bit awkward

Woman wears bikini

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Magazine objectifies former child actor

Photographers intrude on date night

Breaking news: couple don’t go everywhere together all the time

Family spends time together

Woman wears dress. Man’s clothes not even worth mentioning.

Shocking: couple holds hands in public

Paparazzi intrudes of friends’ day out

Woman goes outside and gets photographed

Woman wears hat

Woman goes outside, gets photographed and objectified by a national newspaper

Man updates social media

BBC has had enough of rapper’s motherducking shot

Newspaper judges woman’s clothes

Stop the press: famous people eat the same food we do

Liberal magazine is surprisingly bigoted

Woman gets coffee

Pregnant woman looks pregnant

Nudes in brief: Imogen Thomas

And finally: Kanye gets Kanyed

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

   

The news in brief 27th June 2015

After yesterday’s staggeringly brutal murders by cold-blooded right-wing madhats, it didn’t seem appropriate to share one-liners about the news. Better late than never, here’s yesterday’s the News in Brief, written mostly before the bad news started happening:   

The news in brief 26th June 2015:

The news in brief isn’t just a steaming turd on the mainstream media’s chest; it’s also a platform for making the world a better place. So today, we are proud to reveal our six step plan devalue the media’s narrow definition of beauty by making everyone beautiful:

Step 1: point the overweight, acne-riddled sack of wrinkly-arsed scar-tissue you call a body at a mirror.

Step 2:  smile.

Oh dear. It looks like we sorted that out in only two steps. Let’s fill up the last four points by listing things we enjoy:

Step 3: Burritos

Step 4: Nice cups of tea

Step 5: Criminal Minds

Step 6: Scrabble

In other news:

America makes a pretty neat decision

Pro tip humans: women and girls are people too.  

One example does not a study make

Skinny jeans probably won’t kill us all

School tip to where now?! Whatever happened to trips to the local zoo?

The devil is probably not at large in Devon

Man’s inhumanity to sheep continues apace

Oi, Rowling, any chance you can write the play down first, in a book maybe?

Trains are getting shittier

Bureaucracy: 1, common sense: 0

Study states the obvious: people who buy nicer things tend to have more money

Customer service is a bit shit

Nudes in brief: Chloe Madeley

And finally: Gorilla is pretty photogenic…

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 26th June 2015

The news in brief:

We struggled to come up with something funny to say tonight, but in the weight of the shocking terrorist attack in our own backyard, it seems disrespectful to crack any yucks.

Today’s post can wait until tomorrow.   

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 25th June 2015

The news in brief:

Attack of the giant, undead Canadian goldfish

The Queen is a stone-cold badass. And that’s why we love her!

Great news: beer might be good for you

Hover fucking board!

Speeder bikes!

Pro tip: porcupine is bad for you

Russia situation getting a little ‘cold war-ish’

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Apparently France is just terrible…?     

88 year old veteran takes no shit

Government accused of naughty goal-post shifting

Wild Ostrich appeared!

Species desperate to go extinct decides to give survival one more go

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount 

If this happened to a woman it wouldn’t be funny…

Newspaper wheels out a scaremongering fluff piece to fill out its pages (pretty sure we found the testicle-eating fish last year…) 

Greece it’s the time, it’s the place, it’s the moment

Videogames getting the blame again – Super Mario unavailable for comment*

Economy still pretty shit

Cling film will kill us all

Newspaper wheels out a sexist meme from like, 2004, to fill out its pages

Political correctness gone mad

Nudes in brief: Shanina Shaik 

And finally: saddest wedding of all time shows us that there is still much love in world...

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

*Super Mario was unavailable for comment, but an anonymous source did have the following to say:

“Wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga wagga”

He wouldn’t give us his name, but he did pop a pill before chasing off after some ghosts…

The news in brief 24th June 2015

The news in brief:

Once again, the Summary Squirrel gets right to heart of today’s breaking news….