After yesterday’s
staggeringly brutal murders by cold-blooded right-wing madhats, it didn’t seem
appropriate to share one-liners about the news. Better late than never, here’s
yesterday’s the News in Brief, written mostly before the bad news started
happening:
The news in brief 26th
June 2015:
The news in brief isn’t just a steaming turd on the
mainstream media’s chest; it’s also a platform for making the world a better
place. So today, we are proud to reveal our six step plan devalue the media’s
narrow definition of beauty by making everyone beautiful:
Step 1: point the overweight, acne-riddled sack of wrinkly-arsed
scar-tissue you call a body at a mirror.
Step 2: smile.
Oh dear. It looks like we sorted that out in only two steps.
Let’s fill up the last four points by listing things we enjoy:
Step 3: Burritos
Step 4: Nice cups of tea
Step 5: Criminal Minds
Step 6: Scrabble
In other news:
America
makes a pretty neat decision
Pro tip humans: women and girls are people too.
One example does not a study make
Skinny jeans probably won’t kill us all
School tip to where now?! Whatever happened to trips to the
local zoo?
The devil is probably not at large in Devon
Man’s inhumanity to sheep continues apace
Oi, Rowling, any chance you can write the play down first,
in a book maybe?
Trains are getting shittier
Bureaucracy: 1, common sense: 0
Study states the obvious: people who buy nicer things tend
to have more money
Customer service is a bit shit
Nudes in brief: Chloe Madeley
And finally: Gorilla is pretty photogenic…
Reading the news so
you don’t have to…
No comments:
Post a Comment