The news in brief 5th September 2014

The news in brief:

Study states the obvious: people with more money can afford more stuff

Tiny chip shop opens when it damned well feels like it

Man pays parking ticket

Medieval morality ruins another life

Pro tip: women are people too

Kung-Fu grandpa doles out some street justice

Joan Collins in fact still alive #oops

Counterfeit phone chargers will kill us all!

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Just putting it out there: if you don’t like a cartoon, you could just not let your kids watch it…

Less than 0.003% of population want Pepper Pig banned. Why is this news exactly?!

Soy products will kill us all!

Asteroid probably won’t kill us all

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

MPs agree that taking money from people who have no money is probably a Bad Idea

Charity tries asking terrorists nicely

Ceasefire agreed in Ukraine

Be sure to check your glove compartment for illegal immigrant

Nudes in brief: Kim Kardashian  

Newsflash: everybody poops

People will complain about fucking anything

Painful realisation that warfare is neither glamorous nor fun

And finally: horses can’t fly

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The news in brief 4th September 2014

The news in brief:

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The news in brief 3rd September 2014

The news in brief:

London surprises no-one

Celebrity is very, very sorry

Your password probably isn’t secure enough

People continue to act like pricks on aeroplanes

Internet not happy with magazine’s choices

Plunging necklines, cleavage and sideboobs ahoy!

Shock: woman’s style has changed over last 15 years

Advertisers apologise for not being psychic

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

America well and truly pissed off

Britain frightfully discomfited as well

Family happy to be reunited

Ebola victim well enough to go home!

France makes a bold political statement

Study states the obvious: exercise helps you lose weight

No shit: discipline is good for kids    

Science is fucking awesome: radiotelepathy is nearly a thing!

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Dress code rigorously enforced

MP says what everyone’s been thinking

Nudes in brief: Frankie Essex

And finally: London Mayor defeated by chilli pepper

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The news in brief 2nd September 2014

The news in brief:

Newsflash: seeking effective treatment for illness ‘not cruel’

Hottest September of 2014 so far

Study demonstrates how easy it is for Katie Hopkins to gain and lose weight

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Cavemen were tweeting before it was cool

Facebook drowns in pictures of kids in school uniforms
 
Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Celebrity reality television show’s line-up is apparently news now

Pro tip: threatening to rape someone on the Internet is a Very Bad Thing

Pop pixie in bother with the law again

Study states the obvious: too much sun is bad for you

Parent ordered to do some motherfucking parenting

Coffee will kill us all!

Once again The Daily Mail doesn’t understand why you put the graphic content warning BEFORE the graphic content, not after.

The news in brief still fails to understand why sending your kid to school with a two-finger KitKat (as part of a healthy lunch) makes you a monster, but school dinners have cake and custard…

No shit: NHS study reveals that exercise is good for you

Skynet is now watching you drive 

Mongoose’s inhumanity to lions continues apace

Post office to trial novel idea of being open when you’re not at work

Nudes in brief: Gabi Grecko (although we’re not sure why we need a topless picture for a story about kidney infections)

The old “Great British Bake Off leads to increase in sales of baking goods” story is dusted off and wheeled out again for the fifth time. 

And finally: naan bread looks nothing like dead relative

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The news in brief 1st September 2014

The news in brief:

Whilst trying to read the news today, we realised the unpalatable truth that a woman’s thrupenny bits are more important than the Ebola virus, the escalating crisis in Ukraine and the actions of ISIS in Iraq and Syria, but are less important than the Premier League transfer window and which club has spent a third world nation’s debt on which players.  

Now here at The news in brief we think that Hollywood megastar Jennifer Lawrence is hot. Super hot. Mega hot. And we would totally love to see her boobs. But only if (and it's pretty unlikely) she goes to a magazine and a professional photographer and chooses to flash 'em.

Some deviant slimeball hacking her private and personal accounts, stealing candid moments and sharing them with the Internet's seedy underbelly is totally fucking uncool. We will not be looking for them, at them and we will take a very dim view of anyone who shares them.

In the words of 80’s pop sensation and host of TV’s Bullseye, Optimus Prime:

‘Freedom is the right of all sentient beings’ and no-one should decide when someone's wobbly bits are fit for public consumption except the wobbly bits’ owner.

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The news in brief celebrity special

The news in brief 31st August 2014

The news in brief:

Russia gently reminds the world it is a nuclear powerhouse

Whole family forgets how to person

Internet suggests that proof is a Good Thing

Mad suggestion that killing a sentient being is a Bad Thing

Science is fucking awesome

Old woman is really fucking old

Cups of tea and knitting apparently trendy now

After being chastised for saying horrible things on the Internet, sick old woman is victim of horrible comments on the Internet…

Old man probably fitter than you!

What the hell happened in the Fudge Room?!

Attack of the giant turban

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Weather unseasonably autumnal

Siri doesn’t give a shit about your bouncy ball

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Theme park suggests little boy can do without life-saving medicine

Fridge probably doesn’t cost £30,000

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch Mark II strikes again

Relax: Yellowstone supervolcano will NOT kill us all

Skynet, I mean Google ready to launch driverless cars

Dear Six Flags, unless your rollercoaster travels through time at a velocity other than forward at a rate of 1 second per second, or traverses a hitherto undiscovered spatial dimension, it is NOT 4 Dimensional. Just so we’re clear.

Giant spider probably just thirsty

Firefighter is the most decent human being on Earth

And finally: religious types offended by hardcore ninja kissing alien lizard

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