The news in brief 31th May 2014

The news in brief extra

Sometimes, just sometimes, the news is mad enough on its own:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/england/10866864/England-fans-paper-plane-hits-Peru-player-during-Wembley-match.html

Enjoy

The news in brief 30th May 2014:

The news in brief:

Nocturnal photons make women fat

Study states the obvious: bread is bad for you

Frenchman proves not all human beings are horrible people

News website indulges in a bit of cyberbullying

Flag-related mishap

Supermarket suggest people might be overreacting

Man invents new way to kick ball

Celebrities upset the Internet

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace 

Newspaper disapproves of actress’ clothes and body

Cower in fear when cows attack!

Police sackings come a little too late

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount 

3D printers not quite ready yet

Farmer sick of man’s shit (man not sick of farmer’s shit) 

MP write strongly-worded letter to racist bus stop

Book literally too good to put down

Looks like we’re going to have some weather

Fast food probably still bad for you

Immigration paranoia tears family apart

Economy a bit less shit

Man acts like a prick on the Internet

Real life tractor beams are a thing now!

Nudes in brief: Jessica Hart

Wet owls are terrifying

Diana Watch 2014: still pretty dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 28th and 29th May 2014

The news in brief:

Cynicism increases chances of dementia - The news in brief team somewhat concerned

Psychic Vampires are apparently a thing now

You can fix anything with lasers

Arsehole law continues to treat human beings like shit

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Study states the obvious: parents should set a good example to their kids

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Newsflash: cigarettes are bad for you

UK still a nation of fatties 

Watching too much pornography makes men think less good

People stop watching shit TV show

Nudes in brief: Scout Willis

Russia/Ukraine situation still ‘very hairy’

PM suggests stoning people to death is a ‘Very Bad Idea’

Medieval morality’s bodycount continues to mount

Thousands gather for decent human being’s funeral

Technical fault leads to incurable case of vertigo

Secret-keepers decide the public can have the gist of the truth

Lying filthy fuck-face found guilty of being a dirty lying fuck-faced bell-end

Customer services tells it like it is

North Korea ‘not as shit as you think’

Aliens probably not invading Solihull

French master the art of back-heeling

Diana Watch 2014: ‘still dead’

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Breaking news

Breaking news: leggings are not pants

The news in brief 27th May 2014

The news in brief:

Study states the obvious: margarine consumption leads to divorce... wait, what?!

Mufasa has message for Cambridgeshire

State re-adopts medieval attitude to crime and punishment

United Kingdom hails Hydra in the European elections

New York Post tells it like it is

Internet prone to hysterical, half-researched overreaction

Fictional character denied the vote

Real-world superhero actually pretty cool

Health and fucking safety

Couple takes honeymoon shortly after getting married

Woman’s bottom is NOT news

Outcome surprises no-one

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Difficult story has a sad ending

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Looks like we’re going to have some weather

Robot has awesome name

Woman has awesome funeral

Aliens are real! Maybe.

Popular film is pop-u-lar

Nudes in brief: Christina Milian

Just so we’re clear: breastfeeding in public is not the same thing as curling one out in the high street.

Woman’s priorities seem fine to me

Diana Watch 2014: Death documents censored 65 times by Whitehall. Still dead.

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The news in brief 25th May 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Wedding happened (along with 115,000 others)

Cardassian Union invades Valinor (or something like that)

Woman wears bikini

Woman wears wedding dress at her wedding

Media acknowledges woman’s mind and accomplishments (I’m as surprised as you are…)

Wild speculation about transport arrangements

Parent parents

Celebrity updates social media

Pregnant woman wears loose fitting clothes

Actress goes outside

Court case secondary to singer’s wardrobe choices

Woman wears dress

Man conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Nudes in brief: Michelle Rodriguez

Nudes in brief: Jasmin Walia

Actress wears dress

Pregnant woman’s body has changed shape

Another actress wears a dress

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Paparazzi intrudes on family outing

Actress dares to go outside without make-up on

Nudes in brief: Emma Miller

Woman wears strips of cloth, held in place by magic/magnets/force-fields, that I am reliably informed is a dress. Apparently.

Diana Watch 2014: As the news is so keen to remind us at every turn… still dead.

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The news in brief 24th May 2014

The news in brief horoscope special:

Taking the horoscopes from two tabloid newspapers and smashing them together just to see what happens? Why not:

Aries: Take a look at yourself - you’re an absolute fuckbag and you need to sort your life out. Try reading a magazine or talking to neighbours. That might help. I guess.

Taurus: You’re a paranoid depressive and you need to sort your life out. But hey, some things you just can’t change, so why try?  

Gemini: People are lying to you but they’re not doing it on purpose – they’re just horrible people. But you’re very adaptable, so you’ll be alright.

Cancer: You’ve got a shitty week ahead and I recommend you start girding your loins about now. You won’t have much time for reflection either, but you’ll live. Probably.    

Leo: You’re boring and repetitive – no wonder your life is a mess. Try doing something interesting once in a while. Besides, you’re bringing everyone else down and you just plain suck.  

Virgo: Chances are your boss is a wanker and there’s nothing you can do about it. Expect a lot of hoops to jump through, but you’ll come through.

Libra: It’s time you realised that you’re a tiny fish in a gigantic ocean and made peace with the fact that in the grand scheme of things you’re pretty insignificant. But you’ve got a holiday coming up so that’s nice.

Scorpio: There’s nothing you can do about your fears, so instead of trying to overcome them, you should learn to live with them. And you’re going to have a lot on your plate this week, so roll up your sleeves ‘fraidy cat.   

Sagittarius: You have no special powers, but you’re really good at putting up with other people’s shit. And that’s sort-of like a special power, isn’t it? And oh my, are you going to have some shit this week. Good luck.

Capricorn: Stop being a gossip-mongering bitch. Put your feet up and relax, you work hard and you’re going to need a plan to get through the coming week.   

Aquarius: The coming week is going to steam-roller the shit out you, so you’d better get ready to take a pounding.  But you’re going to have a lovely day today, so enjoy it whilst it lasts.

Pisces: No useful advice for you, I’m afraid. Be prepared for anything. But there’ll probably be emotional, family issues – maybe. I dunno. I’m not much of a psychic.

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