The news in brief 24th May 2014

The news in brief horoscope special:

Taking the horoscopes from two tabloid newspapers and smashing them together just to see what happens? Why not:

Aries: Take a look at yourself - you’re an absolute fuckbag and you need to sort your life out. Try reading a magazine or talking to neighbours. That might help. I guess.

Taurus: You’re a paranoid depressive and you need to sort your life out. But hey, some things you just can’t change, so why try?  

Gemini: People are lying to you but they’re not doing it on purpose – they’re just horrible people. But you’re very adaptable, so you’ll be alright.

Cancer: You’ve got a shitty week ahead and I recommend you start girding your loins about now. You won’t have much time for reflection either, but you’ll live. Probably.    

Leo: You’re boring and repetitive – no wonder your life is a mess. Try doing something interesting once in a while. Besides, you’re bringing everyone else down and you just plain suck.  

Virgo: Chances are your boss is a wanker and there’s nothing you can do about it. Expect a lot of hoops to jump through, but you’ll come through.

Libra: It’s time you realised that you’re a tiny fish in a gigantic ocean and made peace with the fact that in the grand scheme of things you’re pretty insignificant. But you’ve got a holiday coming up so that’s nice.

Scorpio: There’s nothing you can do about your fears, so instead of trying to overcome them, you should learn to live with them. And you’re going to have a lot on your plate this week, so roll up your sleeves ‘fraidy cat.   

Sagittarius: You have no special powers, but you’re really good at putting up with other people’s shit. And that’s sort-of like a special power, isn’t it? And oh my, are you going to have some shit this week. Good luck.

Capricorn: Stop being a gossip-mongering bitch. Put your feet up and relax, you work hard and you’re going to need a plan to get through the coming week.   

Aquarius: The coming week is going to steam-roller the shit out you, so you’d better get ready to take a pounding.  But you’re going to have a lovely day today, so enjoy it whilst it lasts.

Pisces: No useful advice for you, I’m afraid. Be prepared for anything. But there’ll probably be emotional, family issues – maybe. I dunno. I’m not much of a psychic.

Reading the ‘news’ so you don’t have to…