The news in brief 16th March 2016

Today’s news in brief:

The Summary Squirrel gets to the root of the week's top stories:

The news in brief 15th March 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Unrepentant shithead surprises no-one

Terrorist’s cell better than most people's first apartments

Media manipulation a-go-go

Parole meeting doesn't go to plan

Luminous hate-wizard inexplicably still popular

Martian methane apparently more worthwhile than freezing, starving refugees

Rogue nation remains terrifying/hilarious /adorable

How did doing doughnuts at a war memorial ever seem like a good idea?!

Nation shits itself for tomorrow's budget announcement

Perhaps they all had 2.1 NI number each?  

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Putin pulls out (snigger)

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Easter eggs are shit

Pro tip: human remains are not drugs

Dog has two noses?! How does it smell? (sorry)

Skynet getting pretty good at board games

Dead woman to get special magic award

Diana Watch 2016: daughter-in-law wears similar hat. Still dead.

Study states the obvious: rest is good for you

Stars in their bras: Jesy Nelson

And finally: crustacean doesn't look anything like Elton John

Reading the news so you don’t have to...

The news in brief 14th March 2016

We're back, bitches! Once again our scheduled return coincides with another wave of bombings,  stabbings and shootings around the world making us wonder how we can carry on poking fun at the news when the news is so full of darkness. At home we have disabled people living in fear of next week's budget, and across the pond a shit pile of people seem to have forgotten the lessons of the 1930s and 40s and are rallying around a trumpeting hate engine who promises greatness on the back of intolerance and fear.

This is a hard gig. Thank shitting crikey for celebrity gossip:

This week’s celebrity news in brief:

Man's weight loss is not news

Couple caught canoodling

Paparazzi intrudes on romantic moment

Woman wears dress

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Breaking news: woman doesn't do her hair and make-up when running errands

Man updates social media

Wild speculation about who's quaffing who

Sideboob is NOT news

Woman wears beachwear AT THE BEACH!?!?

Stop the press: family walks dog

Woman wears brightly coloured shoes

Woman drives car

Woman caught not wearing jewellery

We still think publishing pictures of other people's kids is weird and wrong…

Photographers intrude on family day out

Mother and daughter caught doing normal mother and daughter stuff

Stars in their bras: Chantelle Connelly

And finally: throwing amatures at a ski jump may have been a Very Bad Idea

Reading the news so you don’t have to...

The news in brief 5th March 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Usual news in brief rules apply: when we're away from work, you dweebs gotta read your own news. So we're doing a mash up of actual news and celebrity bullshit tonight then we're downing our notepads and fedoras until the 14th.

Landing rockets probably quite hard

Customers talk smack about waiter with special needs. Restaurant has none of it…

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Brace yourselves for some weather

Pro tip: sat navs do not replace common sense

Attention assholes: two wrongs do not make a right

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Righteous dude totally saves the day

Peanuts probably won't kill us all

Juice stain does look at lot like a cock and balls (but why is this news?!)

What lecturer does in his spare time none of our business

Fire engines are NOT toys

Scientists apparently haven't seen Jurassic Park

Paparazzi intrudes on intimate moment

Woman wears bikini

Couple gets married

Woman updates social media

Woman goes outside

Publishing photos of someone else's six year old still seems pretty weird to us

Someone going outside without make up isn't news

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Man caught socialising

Photographer intrudes on family day out

Woman does job

Being over 60 is not news

Woman fails to conform to media's narrow definition of beauty

Stars in their bras: Bella Thorne

And finally: dog is pretty fucking photogenic

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 3rd March 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Work until you drop, bitches

More austerity measures to come

It's okay though, happiness might actually kill you

Belligerent nation surprises no-one

Can you even buy a snowmobile for less than £2000.00?

Definition of ‘book' stretched almost to breaking

First trailer released for reboot no-one wanted

Product placement still isn't news

Many Americans suddenly find Canada appealing

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Technology is fucking awesome: anti-drone parachute net launcher unveiled

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Bastards caught abusing dog

Darwin Award!

Newspaper suddenly thinks it's Buzzfeed

Trump doll is a little bit unsettling

Fucking council makes swearing illegal

Politician uncomfortably Hitleresque

Study states the obvious: increase in casual sex linked to increase in STIs

Nudes in brief: Daisy Lowe

And finally: stag parties are a bit old fashioned

Reading the news so you don’t have to...

The news in brief 2nd March 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Once again the Summary Squirrel gets right to the heart of the week's top stories:

The news in brief 1st March 2016

Today’s news in brief:

You may have noticed a distinct lack of news in brief yesterday. If I'm working for free, then you assholes can read your own news.

How many more celebrities need airlifting to hospital before throwing amatures at a ski jump stops seeming like a good idea?

Definition of ‘cease' changed to make news a little fluffier

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Pro tip: if publicly shaming someone's shape yields a positive result, you're still an asshole

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

We're dreaming of a white Easter

Super Tuesday not really all that super

Brexit will kill us all!

Brexit will save us all!

Breaking news: Brexit is not a word

The Internet’s favorite meme sadly died

Snorting coke in the Nazi room… where do we even start with that one?!

Turns out Australia doesn't share a border with Slovenia. Who knew?!

Skynet plans to use emergency exits against us

US military wants to test lasers properly before letting soldiers have a go

Study states the obvious: sleep is good for you

Nudes in brief: Miley Cyrus

And finally: Kung fu squirrels are pretty fucking rad

Reading the news so you don’t have to…