The news in brief 17th February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Mum doesn't understand how the Internet works

Pope loses his shit

Do we really need a rule telling us to not do drugs at the school gates? Shouldn't that be kinda obvious.

Apparently not

Thankfully decent people still outnumber bigoted fucks

France sticks two fingers up to terrorists

Mad suggestion that women are in fact people

We wonder what is the going rate for a baggie of spunk and a syringe?

Mega-famous superstar not mega-famous enough

Wintery weather forecast at least until spring

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Doctor has been very naughty

Indigestion medicine will kill us all

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Economy gets shitter the old you get

Pot calls kettle black

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch strikes again

Study states the obvious: caramel latte has sugar in it

Nudes in brief: Jodie Marsh

And finally: rest in peace Commandant Lassard

Reading the news so you don’t have to...

The news in brief 16th February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Athlete is a gigantic asshole

Rapper has apparently never heard of Kickstarter

Wild speculation presented as fact

Perhaps the lady doth protest too much

Politician may have been fudging the numbers

Assholes reporting tragedy are the same assholes saying we can't do anything about it...

Sportswear demolishes homophobic fuckwedges

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Superstitious nutjobs forget how to person

Model doesn't give a fuck about society's narrow definition of beauty

Skynet will kill us all

Economy officially fucked

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Snows in North East: nobody bats an eyelid

Threat of possible snow in London: stop the presses!

Pro tip: don't fuck about with lasers

Study states the obvious: hugs are nice

Study states the less-than-obvious: choirs are good for you

Nudes in brief: Chrissy Teigan

And finally: little boy show us that not all human beings are irredeemable tossers

Reading the news so you don’t have to...

The news in brief 15th February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

We love Stephen Fry...

The news in brief 14th February 2016

The news in brief BAFTA awards special:

Dirty filth wizard continues to delight nation

Valentines puns a-go-go

Woman wears green dress

Matt Damon!

Industrial Light and Magic surprises no-one

Woman wears black dress

DiCaprio still doesn't have an Oscar

Woman wears red dress

People fucking love Star Wars

Newspaper has opinions about women's dresses

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Knob gags!

Best supporting actor - it's a Bing thing

Breaking news: books and films are different things

Woman fails to conform to media's narrow definition of beauty

Cleavage is still not news

Man looks good in a suit

Host exhausts every superlative known to man

Nudes in brief: everyone pretty much kept their clothes on

And finally: Maggie Smith

Watching the BAFTAs so you don’t have to...

The news in brief 13th February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Pro tip: it's not the police's job to parent

Scaremongering bullshit still isn't news

Looks like they might have been right about that whole Doomsday Clock thing...

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Economy still pretty shit

People really not happy with politician

Study states the obvious: shelves seem higher to short people

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Churchgoers angry about magic bones

Get well message probably sincere

You should be careful what you post online

Slippery slope fallacy is not news

Attack of the NIMBYs

Mother nature reminds us all who's in fucking charge

#firstworldproblems

Looks like we're going to need a bigger beach

Nurse forgets how to person

Bureaucracy: 1, Human decency: 0

Simple pill could save us all

Nudes in brief: Mel B

And finally: cats aren't all evil after all

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 11th February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Scientists shit themselves with excitement

Not to cause a panic, but people are stockpiling gold

Economists brace for a shit storm

Newspaper determined to start war with Russia

Man is really very sorry, honest

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Naked man tries to fight cars…

Chicken is totally romantic

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Man makes a fuckload of money

Scientists working on bond-villain megaweapon

Bureaucrats forget how to person

Mad suggestion that crimes should be investigated properly

Britain to stop using dark sorcery when making new laws

He's not the Prime Minister,  he's a very naughty boy

Man goes ahead with plan to fuck us all

Pro tip: doctors already work pretty damned hard

Nudes in brief: Blac Chyna

And finally: baby turtle is fucking adorable

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 10th February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

I don't think he realises it's a hypocritical economic model and not terrorist superweapon. Anyway, here's the Summary Squirrel with his round up of the week's top stories: