The news in brief 17th September 2015

As retired policemen the world over eye their mantelpieces with suspicion, it’s time for:

The news in brief:

Natural disasters are not funny

In all fairness, it was a briefcase full of wires

Dude scores a free trip to the Whitehouse

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Skynet has a fucking foul mouth

It official: world getting more terror-y

BBC might be a little bit prejudice

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Politician a bit of a sexist prick

People upset at politician NOT being a hypocrite?!

Foxes will kill us all!

An iPhone and a wank?! Sold!

Controversial cartoon surprises no-one

Study states the obvious: girls can do science

Pro tip: positive discrimination is still discrimination

Internet isn’t have any of your bullshit

Sorry – winter isn’t coming after all.

Housing crisis hits new low: 2-man tent in a livingroom for £500 a month…

Who on earth thought that a ‘liquid nitrogen cocktail’ was a good idea?!  

Do any kids actually think they’ll sprout wings, wheels, half-shells or karate-chop-action one day?

Surfing seal is cooler than you

Stars in their bras: Ellie Goulding

And finally: grieving mother gorilla got us all right in the feels

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 16th September 2015

The news in brief: 

The news in brief 15th September 2015

The news in brief:

Highstreet shop wants men to dress like Boba Fett

People will believe anything they read on Facebook

Newspaper very keen for you to buy a new iPhone

Newspaper not at all biased: smear campaign in full swing

People are outraged before the thing’s even a thing

Photograph oversimplifies complicated issue

Whore-bots probably not a good idea

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Taking a meat-cleaver to school ‘generally a bad idea’

BBC learns to check itself before it wrecks itself

Recession has turned the average worker into miserable, burned-out drone

Man’s inhumanity continues to mount

Social media unveils new way to spread negativity

Presentation mishap

Woman forgets to read job description

£6.00 to call directory enquiries?! Have people not heard of Google?

Scaremongering horseshit

Spiders will kill us all!

Winter looks set to be coldest so far this year

Study states the obvious: more food fits on bigger plates

Nudes in brief: Lady Gaga

And finally: It’s been 75 years since the Battle of Britain. Show some fucking respect.

Reading the news so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 14th September 2015

The news in brief:

Shameless scaremongering

Have you Corbyn-proofed your house yet?

Internet doesn’t take any shit

Racists don’t understand percentages

Invasion of the killer spiders

Fun run claims another victim

Woman redefines conceited

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Study states the obvious: vegetables are good for you

Apparently hugging is sexist now

Robots are totally going to steal your boring-ass job

Winter is coming!

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Science is fucking awesome: droid arm lets amputees feel

Product placement is still not news

The dead are rising from the grave in Ireland (no really)

Minor customer service failure blown out of all proportion

Turns out money can buy happiness (who knew?!)

Politician unveils his plan to ruin everything

Newspaper not at all biased

Religious leaders have opinions

Nudes in brief: Gigi Hadid

And finally: happy birthday Fish Fingers!

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

 

The news in brief 13th September 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Runners run run

Fastest man alive surprises no-one

Man exhibits normal man-like behaviour

Couple spends time together

Celebrity has more money than you

Public display of affection only public because you put it in the fucking news!

Paparazzi intrudes on couple’s vacation

Woman wears dress

Man caught spending time with family

Woman updates social media

Baby wearing big-sister’s shoes - oh my god, nobody cares!

The news in brief is sick to shit of reading about the Kardashian family  

It’s still fucking weird to photograph other people’s kids and share them online

Woman pops to the shops

Pregnant woman looks quite pregnant

Woman confirms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Man wears hat

Debutant parties still inexplicably a thing

Cleavage is not news

Stop the press: woman smokes cigarette  

Woman wears clothes appropriate for the weather

Nudes in brief: Pixie Lott  

And finally: plastic hedge offends neighbours

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 10th and 11th September 2011

The news in brief:

Lest we forget…..

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Cobra wage war on Hydra

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Watch owners prepare to buy pens…

Product placement still isn’t news

Pundit not at all biased

Study states the obvious: cat people really like their cats

Politicians feather their own nests (maybe)

Millions of workers celebrate – but only because they didn’t read past the headline

Politician upsets Yorkshire

Cave is pretty fucking awesome

Zombie invasion probably not going to happen

Man’s inhumanity to sharks not as bad as we thought

Giant business not happy with its massive profits

Mad suggestion – people should be paid enough to live on

Economy still pretty shit

Housing crisis!

Attack of the moth-sized moths

UK not quite ready to legalise dignity

Another funny-fucker writes a tongue-in-cheek complaint

Video-piracy irony

Terrible person gets what he deserves

Newspaper doesn’t understand the Bystander Principle

We’re pretty sure shooting someone unarmed and injured is NOT okay..

Nudes in brief: Millie Mackintosh

And finally: turns out tobacco might be owed an apology

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

  

The news in brief 9th September 2015

The news in brief:

It's true. We love the queen! 62 years and 216 days and still going strong!