The news in brief 8th June 2015

The news in brief:

New light bulb is quite possibly witchcraft

Product placement masquerading as news

Television show has upcoming plot

NASA launches flying saucer

Man sells car

Hotel does look pretty nice

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Tofu will kill us all!

Visitors fuck up a pretty nice field

Apparently ‘Shawshank’ is a verb now  

Wild speculation

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Policemen keep forgetting how to person

Man acts like a fucking prick

Author prepares to print another giant pile of money (but she’ll give most of it to charity because she’s fucking awesome)

Politics is complicated

Science is fucking awesome: robot leg can feel the terrain

Article about not being sexist is a little bit sexist

Britons generally agree that killing people is a Very Bad Thing

Medieval justice system somewhat keen to end another life  

Middle East situation escalated from ‘somewhat hairy’ to ‘quite worrying’

Nudes in brief: Miley Cyrus

And finally: The hills are alive with the sound of Merkel

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The news in brief 7th June 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Silly shenanigans at 40,000 feet  

New mum wears coat

Woman wears brightly coloured blouse

Newsflash: couple enjoys spending time together

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman wears dress

“Showcases eye-popping cleavage” actually means “goes outside and gets photographed”

Stop the press: couple dresses up a bit when going out for dinner

Breaking news: woman’s blouse doesn’t quit touch her waistband

Wild speculation

Woman has legs

Minor exchange of heated words somehow newsworthy

“Shows off her slim figure” actually means “goes outside and gets photographed”

Woman wears bikini

Paparazzi intrudes on woman’s holiday

Very personal tragedy somehow our business

Man photographed doing his job

Woman updates social media

“Puts on leggy display” actually means “goes outside and gets photographed”

Paparazzi takes pictures of couple’s kids. Why is this even legal?

Shock: woman wears men’s trousers

“Highlights supermodel figure,” actually means “goes outside and gets photographed”

Nudes in brief: Casey Batchelor

And finally: man gets coffee!

Reading what can only loosely be described as news, so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 5th June 2015

The news in brief:

Great British public not too keen on actually reading the article

Great British public very keen to spew ignorance all over the Internet after just reading the headline

Bureaucracy gone mad!   

Health and fucking safety

U.S. President probably not being manipulated by shape-shifting reptiles

Shock revelation surprises no-one  

Sea Monster!

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Public figure suggests that maybe there are two sides to every story

Fracking will kill us all

Medieval morality goes back to being terrible as soon as the media stops caring

Maths is fucking hard

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Seriously: product placement is not news

Weather looks set to be appropriate for this time of year

Study states the obvious: very rich people have lots of money

Mad suggestion that people aren’t actually born bastards…

Picnic delivery is apparently a thing now

Diana Watch 2015: photographers are taking pictures of her niece now. Still dead

Minor customer service failures blown out of all proportions by sensationalist scaremongers

Don’t worry, Greece will totally get the next round. They’re good for it…

Nudes in brief: everyone is oddly clothed today

And finally: mind-control cyborg zombie machine somehow not as cool as robot that plays child’s game….    

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The news in brief 4th June 2015

The news in brief:

We thought it was high time that someone cut through all of the bullshit coming out of both camps and really look at the differences between the European Court of Human Rights and what we know so far about the proposed Charter of British Rights that the Conservative Party hopes to replace it with. Of course this is a lot of work, so naturally we back-heeled it to the Summary Snail.

Being neither British nor a human, he wasn’t particularly interested and basically had this to say:  

The news in brief 3rd June 2015

The news in brief:

FIFA exec owns up to having his fingers in the till

People quite like London

Economy still a bit shit

Internet is crawling with intolerant arseholes

People quite like pudding

Pro tip: mums aren’t the only kind of parent

Journalist doesn’t check their fact

The Queen is totally fucking alive

Country decides that its citizens aren’t entitled to freedom anymore

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Study states the obvious: people with less appreciate stuff more

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace   

Litter bug is a gigantic twat

Science is fucking awesome: NASA tests flying saucer  

New supersonic jet will make London to New York a plausible commute  

Man empties his piggy bank

Business is pretty fucking tactless

Judge dishes out some well-deserved justice

Shop may be over-reacting just a tiny bit

Swan kicks dog’s ass

Judge tells it like it is

Nudes in brief: Chloe Sims  

And finally – little boys grows his hair out to make wigs for cancer suffers. Other kids give him a hard time, but this little hero has exactly zero shits to give.  

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The news in brief 2nd June 2015

The news in brief:

Live at the scene: man takes an impromptu swim

Exclusive news: emergency services hate having their time wasted

Love can’t actually build a bridge

Animals are fucking stupid

If rollercoasters weren’t scary enough already…

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Politician didn’t get the ‘don’t talk ill of the dead’ memo

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Celebrity sets back equality by about 500 years

Russia situation remains ‘slightly hairy’

More product placement masquerading as news

People act like pricks on the road

Insane dictatorship wants you to come visit its grotesque human-rights atrocities

Study states the obvious: exercise is good for you

Medieval morality destroys another bunch of human lives

Terrible neighbour forgets how to person

US’s new ‘Star Wars weapon’ not actually like anything in Star Wars

Bureaucracy gone mad

Whoever would have imagined that pushy parents create fucked-up kids…

Strange light probably not aliens

You know, it’s still body-shaming even if they’re a mad dictator

Bee!? Pigs!? Whatever will we find in cars next?  

And finally: woman wants you to know that scars and burns don’t make you unattractive – and any naysayers can totally come kiss The news in brief’s ass   

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The news in brief 1st June 2015

The news in brief:

Pro tip: The Onion is not a real newspaper

Despicable crimes outlined for your ghoulish amusement

Science starting to kick cancer’s arse

Two wrongs apparently make a right now?!

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Apparently being a little bit rude is a crime?

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Bureaucracy: 0, Common sense: 1

Equality not that hard to understand

Usual suspects struggle with the word ‘ceasefire’ again

Economy still pretty fucked

“Man quite likes pie” is totally NOT news

Remember 1997? Allegedly England was a nightmarish Orwellian dictatorship?

Audi brings the roof down

Noisy neighbour’s sentence a bit too harsh   

Rapist’s sentence no where near harsh enough

Government a bit heavy handed

Minor customer service snafu blown out of all proportion

One trick pony plans to limp out of the barn again

Stop babying your kids, you bunch of soft shits

Cats will kill us all

Nudes in brief: Kylie Jenner

And finally: if someone identifies as a woman, inverted commas around the word ‘she’ is just a little bit cuntish

Reading the news so you don’t have to…