The news in brief 13th April 2015

The news in brief:

Woman forgets how to person

Apparently hospitals aren’t busy enough

World remains a pretty hairy place

Terrible tragedy presented as oddity for your amusement

Mars is a bit less dead than we imagines (but still pretty dead)

Three is hoping to become four…

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Giant aeroplanes are pretty fucking awesome

Smartphones will kill us all

America is ready for Hilary

United Kingdom ‘not especially religious’

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Business shamed for fairly sensible decision

iPads will kill us all! (wait, isn’t this the same story as the Smartphones…?)

Product placement is NOT news

Awesome student not challenged by University Challenge

America is not ready for Hilary

‘Pro tip: ‘assaulting people is not cool’ applies to famous people too

Egg-ception! (only a bloody week too fucking late)

Bright flashes probably not aliens

Super rich people can afford stuff you can’t

Internet looses its shit over TV program

Nudes in brief: Billi Mucklow

And finally: coffee and bacon are good for you (for now at least…)

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 12th April 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Breaking news: celebrity women wear summer clothes - in summer!

Wild speculation

Singer surprises no-one

Actor set to get acting job

Don't worry - a person can't be good at everything

Celebrity couple's affairs somehow our business

Actor updates social media

Turns out not every celebrity marriage ends with scandles and affairs...

Stop the press: someone unfollowed someone on Instagram

Pregnant woman looks a bit pregnant

Wardrobe malfunction

Shock revelation really not all that shocking

Louis quits the X Factor, for like what, the eight millionth time?

Women dresses appropriately for the weather

Family breakdown is none of our business

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out
Shock: woman wears glasses

Hairs is kinda sorta similar

Nudes in brief: Miley Cyrus

And finally: attention-seeking hyper-bitch suddenly concerned that she might offend someone

Reading the news so you don't have to...

Somewhat overdues in brief 11th April 2015

The news in brief:

News blogger's laptop still being an unbelievable bastard

Goat sacrifice unsuccessful

World continues merry jig towards Armageddon

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Judgemental cunts didn't actually read the article

Medieval morality destroys another life

Housing market still a bit shit

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Horses all survive Grand National (for a change)

Protesters pretty disappointed

The Internet is a dark and terrifying place

Weather set to get increasingly summery

Turns out God has a pretty wicked sense of humour

Country removes people's rights to be unspeakably selfish twats

Terms and conditions: 1, common sense: 0

Big business surprises no-one

World leaders give peace a chance

Maybe you should have a manifesto before you start asking people to vote for you

Pre-crime fines apparently a thing now

Gigantic bellend caught on camera

Nudes in brief: Kendall Jenner

And finally: dogs literally save our asses

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 9th April 2015

As the Liberal Democrats make the first move in their eternal war against pigeonkind, let's look back to the 16th September 2014 and remember how much happier we all were:

The news in brief:

Man learns the hard way that the Metro inspectors aren’t fucking about

Pro tip: shouting so the other person can’t be heard doesn’t mean you’re winning the argument

Story states the obvious: fruit is good for you

Man’s sexuality is neither interesting nor newsworthy

Survey suggests 50% of Scotland is going to be pissed off either way

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Three-eyed cow!

Man’s humanity to goldfish both reassuring and heart-warming

Tech reviewer hasn’t actually seen Star Wars

Watch is pretty fucking sexy, but product placement isn’t actually news

Fuckfaced, megacunt-douchecanoes do horrible things to cat   

Social media suggest free-speech is a Good Thing

Think-tank suggests we still need to be wrapped in a few more layers of cotton wool

The motherfucking COOKIE MONSTER was on motherfucking NEWSNIGHT!  

Maybe it’s because violins aren’t cool…

Fried chicken probably not psychic  

Doctor forgets how to person

Big Business behaves in a cunt-like fashion

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Cheating teen has the Worst. Day. Ever.

Twitter is a harsh and unforgiving mistress

Nudes in brief: some random sunbathing chick

Weather continues to become increasing autumnal

And finally: Columbia rubbish at designing uniforms… 

Reading the news so you don’t have to… 

The news in brief 8th April 2015

The news in brief

In the eternal struggle of lion versus plastic barrel: barrel won

Tragic abuse of power caught on camera

Good old fashioned jewellery heist

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Verdict surprises no-one

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Woman forgets how to person

Terrible person gets what they deserve

Man makes wise decision

Study states the obvious: people like legroom

Cute animals are totally cute

Turns out exercise might be good for you

Justice better late than never

Town is a bit shit

It was a pretty fucking big snake

People are judgemental cunts

Not all men thinks with their dicks

Pepper spray drones are a thing now

Man too good at his job

Looks like we're going to have some weather

Medieval morality ruins another life

Product placement masquerading as news

Nudes in brief: Uma Thurman

And finally: would-be rapist gets a kung-pow kicking.

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 7th April 2015

The news in brief:

Brontosaurus is totally a Dinosaur again (maybe)

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch strikes again

General public continues to feed the troll

Study states the obvious: good food is good for you

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Election campaign proceeds exactly as expected

Economy continues to suck

Pro tip: if you’re going to have 17 girlfriends – prepare for everything!

EU hates gardeners, golfers and old people

Dog really wanted biscuits

Fancy restaurants to get all McDonalds-y  

Hardcore sportsman performs minor surgery on himself

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Self-righteous cunts judge sick person

Homeowner has really shitty day

Giant slugs will kill us all!

Political party has pretty loose grasp of economics

Weather ‘entirely normal for time of year’

Corn will save us all!

Bumper crop of body shaming stories

Stop the press: swans are fucking arseholes

Woman gets free Gecko (and has the audacity to complain about it…)

Nudes in brief: Rihanna

And finally: Michelle Obama’s gonna funk you up – don’t believe me just watch  

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

Also, read this: http://projectshandy.co.uk/submit/call-for-submissions-mental-health-awareness-week/

The news in brief 1st April 2015

You know the rules – when we take a holiday, so does The news in brief… and since it’s that time of year when mankind celebrates the day Chuck Norris and President Obama defeated the Easter Bunny, we’re away for the next five nights. As always we finish the week with:

  

The news in brief celebrity special:

Woman unsuccessfully wears dress

Woman successfully wears dress

Woman updates social media

Parent caught parenting

Stop the press: couple goes for a walk. Together. Outside!

Woman fails to conform to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman wears dress

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman dresses appropriately for the weather

Paparazzi photographs someone leaving their house (and somehow this is news)

Wardrobe malfunction

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Parent’s personal tragedy somehow our business

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Man pops to the shops

Woman wears glasses

Unfounded speculation

Breaking news: woman has legs

Pregnant woman looks pregnant

Nudes in brief: Thandie Newton

And finally: The Daily Mail may have a bit of an obsession with Rita Ora  

Reading the news so you don’t have to…