The news in brief 8th January 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Kardashian’s got her kit off again…

Woman wears black dress

Woman wears white dress

Woman’s got her tits out

Woman has plunging neck line

Woman doesn’t have plunging neck line

Newspaper like’s woman’s dress

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Newspaper doesn’t like woman’s dress

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out  

Woman fails to conform to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Man wears a suit

Wardrobe malfunction

Stop the press: woman wears gym clothes whilst jogging

Woman wears clothes appropriate for the weather

Photographer captures private moment

Newspaper publishes private moment because it’s somehow our business

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch is a pretty sore loser

Pro tip paparazzi: taking a photograph of an eight-year-old child and putting it on the Internet is a bit weird  

    

Actress has the audacity to look a bit tired after long flight

Shock: two people who know each other get coffee at the same time!

Nudes in brief: Dakota Johnson

And finally: actress expresses some concerns about upcoming film

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

Winter Beef Shin 6th February 2015

The news in brief:

No-one believes the propaganda

MPs sweating over their precious blue ticks

Art is fucking expensive

Old lady checks out in style

The news in brief doesn’t give a shit about Big Brother

Study states the obvious: you might be responsible for your kid’s behaviour

Suspicious going ons in Maycomb County

Apparently the rugby’s on…

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Western world needs to get off its high horse

Policeman suggests that it’s the beer’s fault, not the river’s

Fictional pig’s legal team are a bit heavy handed

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Kid has fucking mental parents

Little boy will never trust another human being again…

Science is fucking awesome

Thieving bitch gets what she deserves

Pro tip: gorillas are pretty dangerous

Gigantic bell-end douche-canoe fuckbag deserves to be punched in the cock forever

Health and fucking safety: 1, common sense: 0

Daffodils will kill us all!

Stereotyping people is not fucking cool

Nudes in brief: Kim Kardashian…. again

    

And finally: homeless man only has one book. Stranger gives him every book ever written…

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 5th February 2015

It's only bloody Thursday again! Time for another blog post from the archives. This little bastard is a celebrity special from November 2013

The news in brief celebrity special:

Breaking news: woman fidgets

Woman wears dress

Scandal: close colleagues express affection

Pot calls kettle black

Woman doesn't wear engagement ring

Friends have a favourite restaurant

Newspaper speculates about people's private lives

Paparazzi looks for news where none exists 

Eccentric singer wears crazy clothes

Woman doesn't wear make-up (except when she does)

Actress wears clothes

Model goes out without boyfriend

Mum is a bit clingy

Two celebrities look vaguely like each other

Newspaper promotes narrow definition of beauty

Instagram posts are new now?

Reality TV show a bit staged

Nudes in brief: Helen Flanagan, Myleene Klass, Jessica Jane Clement, Ashley Roberts, Abbey Clancy

Newspaper stretches the definition of the word identical

Women wear similar dresses 

Skimming through this shit so you don't have to...

The news in brief 4th February 2015

The news in brief:

Revenge killings – that’s sure to calm things down. An eye for an eye until everyone is blind. 

But Kim Kardashian took her clothes again, so you know…

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 3rd February 2015

It’s home-made pie night in The news in brief’s state of the art nerve-centre/livingroom. Please imagine the sounds of feral slurping as you read tonight’s edition  

The news in brief:

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Rich people don’t want the disabled to spoil their view

Winter-y weather may last until spring

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Extreme case of mistaken identity

But then how do you get rid of the bigger monkeys?! Even bigger monkeys!

200-year-old mummy probably not still alive

Ofcom tells small-minded twats to wind their necks in

Grieving family’s private affairs are somehow news

TV plummets to all-time low

Thieving bitch gets what she deserves

Mother gives evidence – from beyond the grave

Long overdue sequel had better be worth the wait…

Okay… today the news is saying there *isn’t* enough filth in the upcoming 50 Shades movie?!

Indistinct blur probably not a ghost

Study states the obvious: green tea is good for you

Little boy has a lucky escape

Bronze Age brain surgery was probably shit

Human bodies probably not designed to be shot into space

Product placement is NOT news  

Nudes in brief: Emily Ratajkowski

We’d totally eat a mealworm burger

And finally: It’s totally not a giant cock. Honest.

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 2nd February 2015

The news in brief:

Mother forgets how to person

Pro tip: onsies are inside clothes

Pixelated hair is apparently a thing now

Outrage as rules applied even-handedly

Political party gets lesson in irony

When busses attack!

Study states the obvious: scientists have too much time on their hands

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Shock: movie based on sex-book all about sex

Research suggests that you have to pay for things

Economy a bit shit

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Stop the press: cauliflower is good for you

Insurance company spends $4,000,000 dollars to spread important message

Football fans not happy at insurance company for spreading important message

Seriously, you stupid bellends, stop fucking about near trains!

In fairness, sharks aren’t renowned for their dancing…

Beating your kids in not fucking okay

Bunnies can get depressed too

Bear is smarter than… the average bear? I hope that’s not a trademark.

Bodyshaming is apparently news now

Nudes in brief: Heather Graham

And finally: teenager with cancer lives long enough to take his sweetheart to the prom    

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 1st February 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Spectator gets a bit overexcited whilst watching sport

Women fail to conform to media’s narrow definition of beauty

News outlet indulges in a spot of cyberbullying

Consenting adults have conceived a child

Man updates social media

Woman dresses appropriately for the weather

Photographer captures private moment

Stop the press: woman wears gym-clothes whilst exercising

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Model has the audacity to go outside without make-up

Newspaper doesn’t like woman’s clothes

Is she showing off her body? or have the paparazzi taken a picture of a woman on holiday and sold it to an newspaper who put it on the fucking Internet? Bellends.  

Pregnant woman looks pregnant

Pregnant woman doesn’t look pregnant

Woman wears hat

Newspaper judges woman’s weight in the headline – but you have to open the article to find out why she’s in the news at all…

Woman drinks coffee – with a man!

Woman wear dress

Newspaper doesn’t like singer’s jacket

Man wears coat

Paparazzi intrudes on family time

Nudes in brief: Miley Cyrus

And finally: newspaper doesn’t like woman’s jeans either….

Reading the news so you don’t have to…