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Breaking news: 'squeaky bum time' is apparently suitable language for Channel Four News

The news in brief 9th October 2014

The news in brief:

It’s official: Red Bull does NOT give you wings

… and the Desk Sergeant asked ‘why the long face?’

Celebrity furious the terms and conditions apply to him too

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch continues her mission to offend everyone on Earth

Ebola situation remains pretty fucking hairy

Newspaper indulges in a bit of cyberbullying

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Bureaucracy 2: human decency: 0 

Pro tip: sending the victims to prisons is NOT cool 

Awesome teen kicks all kind of arse

Study states the obvious: comfort eating is bad for you

Tragic story has a bittersweet ending

Flagrant fear-mongering

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Surprise racoon 

Weather a bit interesting

Cereal box prizes are getting out of fucking hand

Indistinct, blurry, shape probably not a ghost

Building no longer an accidental death-ray

Nudes in brief: Heston Blumenthal and Jeremy Clarkson?!

Medieval morality doesn’t approve of peaceful protest

Driverless trains set to strike in 2023

Civilised nation lawmakers decide to return to Stone Age morality

And finally: Hitler’s Tinder account doing very well  

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 6th October 2014

The news in brief:

Look, we’re still not ignoring the whole ISIS thing; it’s just we’re a satirical news blog and we’re in it for the laughs. There is nothing funny what-so-ever about people being murdered in cold blood. The news in brief still struggles to rationalise a sentient being decapitating an aid worker, whilst still considering themselves the good guys…. Suffices to say we remain saddened by the news and we wish/hope/prey for a peaceful and prompt resolution

Newsflash: potatoes are not an effective form of contraceptive

Pro tip: full pelvis condoms are apparently a thing now

Remember: any form of contraceptive will send you straight to hell.

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Stop the press: cats are not people

According to the Internet, two wrongs do make a right

Wild speculation rife in the comments section

Nearly 50% of America now grants the same rights to everybody

Heterosexual couples continue to undermine the sanctity of marriage

Ebola situation remains pretty fucking hairy

Joke is in very poor taste

Once again newspaper fails to understand why the ‘Graphic Content’ warning goes BEFORE the pictures not AFTER!

Science is pretty fucking awesome  

Holodecks are nearly a thing (kinda)

Manicures will kill us all!

Giant spider!

Bureaucracy: 2, Human kindness: 0

Mad suggestion the supermarkets should make the droid tills work

Woman has clearly seen Die Hard with A Vengeance

Nudes in brief: Lady Mary Crawley

And finally: Doctor is really good at porridge

Reading the news so you don’t have to…   

We have a house guest and it’s my son’s birthday on Wednesday, so we’re having a short hiatus for the next two nights. See you Thursday!

The news in brief 5th October 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Sports star has the audacity to go outside

Man and woman caught parenting

Man acts like a prick in public

Scandal: man has hair cut

Celebrity voted off of reality TV show

Woman caught going outside

Woman wears dress

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Newspaper approves of woman’s coat

Outrage: actress caught in possession of a vagina

Woman has legs

Mother and daughter’s clothes are nothing alike

Woman wears hat

Singer does bear a passing resemblance to Michael Jackson… kinda

Woman is (allegedly) as thick as mince

Stop the press: woman has luggage AT THE AIRPORT!

Dress only faintly translucent – and why is this news anyway?!

Shock: woman wears comfortable clothes

Woman has new boyfriend… why exactly do we need a picture of her wet and in a bikini for this?!

Nudes in brief: Chloe-Jasmine Whichello    

Woman’s sex life is none of our business

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 4th October 2014

A blog post from the archive:

"Hi Beautiful Lady; without replying to this message, put a heart on your wall; no comment, just a heart. Next, post a heart on the wall of the person who sent you this message. Then send this message to your women friends, only women. If anyone asks you why you have so many hearts on your wall, don't tell them. This is only for women, because this is breast cancer research week. One small act of solidarity between women. PS to type a heart, first type < then 3 It will turn into a heart as soon as you post. Thank you" 

“Dear humans,

Must we do this every year?

1. Men can get breast cancer. Actual, factual breast cancer. Try educating yourselves: http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Cancer-of-the-breast-male/Pages/Introduction.aspx

2. Women tend to have sons/brothers/fathers/husbands/male friends - who all are all affected.

3. 7 billion aware people can raise more money than 3.5 billion aware people

4. Putting hearts/bra colour/shoe size on Facebook does NOTHING if you don't follow it up with action.

Read all about Slacktivism here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slacktivism

See you all next year...”

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 2nd October 2014

Breaking news: Pope believes in angels

The news in brief 1st October 2014

The news in brief:

Man stands up to bullies

Mad suggestion that everyone is both free and equal

Awesome dude shows us that love doesn’t recognise borders

Horoscope even more bullshit than usual

Someone’s going to get bollocked in the morning

Economy a bit less shit

Wages up and Income Tax down – public still not satisfied

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Tragedy as the ground fails to do ITS ONE JOB!

Woman makes painful decision

General public breaks the Internet

Newsflash: women can be funny too

Big business in trouble for doing its job properly

      

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Science is fucking awesome

Horrifically immoral science-fiction device now on sale

Warmest day of October so far    

Seriously people: READ YOUR FUCKING TERMS AND CONDITIONS

Pro tip: supervise your children

Turns out Aristotle might have been right after (at least with fruit flies)

Study states the obvious: children talk shit

Nudes in brief: Miley Cyrus. Again?!

And finally: This is a swathe of dummy text that can be used to indicate how many words fit into a particular space…

Reading the news so you don’t have to…