image

Sunday, 7 September 2014

The news in brief 7th September 2014








The news in brief celebrity special :

Media briefly remembers that the North East exists

Mo Farah officially better at running than Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, The Hulk, Spiderman, Banana Man and a Dalek

After 10 long years, celebrity dance show starts scraping the bottom of the barrel for contestants

Apparently being a sports star’s mum makes you a celebrity now

The news in brief remains unsure exactly how a ballerina is better at judging ballroom dancing than an actual ballroom dancer

Woman wears bikini IN THE SWIMMING POOL!

Couple who met at work are still dating

Muscular man wears tight shirt

Woman walks dog  

Woman has legs

Woman wears dress

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Man caught carrying his child in public

Woman caught wearing underwear UNDER her outerwear

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman wears hat

Outrage: woman dresses appropriately for the weather
    
Woman has the audacity to wear a tracksuit and no make-up on a long haul flight

Woman fails to conform to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman eats junk food TWICE whilst on holiday

Paparazzi drones are a thing now

Shock: woman has the cheek to re-wear the same dress

The nudes in brief: sideboob! 

And finally: media doesn’t like man’s suit

Reading the news so you don’t have to…
     

Saturday, 6 September 2014

The news in brief 6th September 2014

The news in brief:

Recently, LEGO took some flack in the news for it's relatively new LEGO Friends range. It seems some people objected to the pink and pastel colours, the more Barbie-doll like minifigures and the more leisure-oriented playsets. Take a look at this little madam:

I mean, just look at her with her wavy hair and Alice-bands. In a pinky-purple box. Who does she think she is?! And just look at those butterflies! And the dot over the 'i' is a love love-heart!

It's like any second now she going to start booting down people's front doors and telling their little girls that they can't be doctors or lawyers or CEOs or adventurers or world leaders.

At least that's how it might appear if you applied absolutely no critical thought what-so-ever.

First of all the LEGO Friends run about half-a-dozen small-to-medium sized enterprises: a cafĂ©, hairdressers, an ice-cream bar and god knows what else. They can all afford cars and don't seem to be reliant on any dirty testicle-owning men to fund their fairly extravagant life styles. God forbid that little girls grow up to be independently wealthy, sports-car-owning proprietors of their own small businesses.       

Secondly, one of the LEGO friends is a scientist, with a laboratory and a mother-fucking robot. If I had a little girl and she grew up to be a robot-inventing, lab-coat-wearing, diploma-having scientist I'd be pretty pleased with my fearsome, ninja-like parenting skills.

Thirdly, let's take another look at our friend here. I know it's hard to see past the hearts and the butterflies and the little plastic bikini top, but if you look really closely you can just about make out that she's riding a god-damned jet-ski. Jet-skis are awesome. And you know who else has a jet-ski? Batman. Batman has a fucking jet-ski! And if my hypothetical little girl grew up to be an extreme sports star / Batman, I'd be one proud dad.

The fallacy here is that feminine is mutually exclusive with feminist. And no. No it's fucking not.

Feminism is about freedom of choice. The freedom to be whatever you want to be, regardless of weather or not your reproductive parts are internal organs. If a little girl wants to be a princess instead of a space ranger, and wants to play with dolls rather than transformers then that is fine. Just so long as it is her choice.

And before anyone gets too worried that tradition LEGO doesn't represent women, let's check out this water-sports doing superstar:


 

 And this motorbike riding, wicked-flip pulling bank robber:



And this fire-fighter:


And this arctic explorer:




Of this elf warrior:





Or this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles villain:



The great thing about LEGO is that it is fuelled almost entirely by imagination. A little girl (or boy) can make a representation of themselves in a space suit or business wear, or police uniform or pretty dress and insert themselves into the Justice League or the Avengers or Hogwarts or the police of the fire brigade or the Space Police or anything they can damn well imagine, even if that includes lounging by the pool with friends and baking cupcakes.

But hey - why do any research and apply any thought when you can just wheel out a barrow full of sensational headlines to make parents angry at a beloved toy manufacture. 'cos you know - that sells papers.

Reading the news, so you don't have to...   




Friday, 5 September 2014

The news in brief 5th September 2014



The news in brief:

Study states the obvious: people with more money can afford more stuff

Tiny chip shop opens when it damned well feels like it

Man pays parking ticket

Medieval morality ruins another life

Pro tip: women are people too

Kung-Fu grandpa doles out some street justice

Joan Collins in fact still alive #oops

Counterfeit phone chargers will kill us all!

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Just putting it out there: if you don’t like a cartoon, you could just not let your kids watch it…

Less than 0.003% of population want Pepper Pig banned. Why is this news exactly?!

Soy products will kill us all!

Asteroid probably won’t kill us all

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

MPs agree that taking money from people who have no money is probably a Bad Idea

Charity tries asking terrorists nicely

Ceasefire agreed in Ukraine

Be sure to check your glove compartment for illegal immigrant

Nudes in brief: Kim Kardashian  

Newsflash: everybody poops

People will complain about fucking anything

Painful realisation that warfare is neither glamorous nor fun

And finally: horses can’t fly

Reading the news so you don’t have to…



  






The news in brief 4th September 2014

The news in brief:


Reading the news so you don't have to...

Wednesday, 3 September 2014

The news in brief 3rd September 2014



The news in brief:

London surprises no-one

Celebrity is very, very sorry

Your password probably isn’t secure enough

People continue to act like pricks on aeroplanes

Internet not happy with magazine’s choices

Plunging necklines, cleavage and sideboobs ahoy!

Shock: woman’s style has changed over last 15 years

Advertisers apologise for not being psychic

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

America well and truly pissed off

Britain frightfully discomfited as well

Family happy to be reunited

Ebola victim well enough to go home!

France makes a bold political statement

Study states the obvious: exercise helps you lose weight

No shit: discipline is good for kids    

Science is fucking awesome: radiotelepathy is nearly a thing!

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Dress code rigorously enforced

MP says what everyone’s been thinking

Nudes in brief: Frankie Essex

And finally: London Mayor defeated by chilli pepper

Reading the news so you don’t have to…





Tuesday, 2 September 2014

The news in brief 2nd September 2014

The news in brief:

Newsflash: seeking effective treatment for illness ‘not cruel’

Hottest September of 2014 so far

Study demonstrates how easy it is for Katie Hopkins to gain and lose weight

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Cavemen were tweeting before it was cool

Facebook drowns in pictures of kids in school uniforms
 
Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Celebrity reality television show’s line-up is apparently news now

Pro tip: threatening to rape someone on the Internet is a Very Bad Thing

Pop pixie in bother with the law again

Study states the obvious: too much sun is bad for you

Parent ordered to do some motherfucking parenting

Coffee will kill us all!

Once again The Daily Mail doesn’t understand why you put the graphic content warning BEFORE the graphic content, not after.

The news in brief still fails to understand why sending your kid to school with a two-finger KitKat (as part of a healthy lunch) makes you a monster, but school dinners have cake and custard…

No shit: NHS study reveals that exercise is good for you

Skynet is now watching you drive 

Mongoose’s inhumanity to lions continues apace

Post office to trial novel idea of being open when you’re not at work

Nudes in brief: Gabi Grecko (although we’re not sure why we need a topless picture for a story about kidney infections)

The old “Great British Bake Off leads to increase in sales of baking goods” story is dusted off and wheeled out again for the fifth time. 

And finally: naan bread looks nothing like dead relative

Reading the news so you don’t have to…






Monday, 1 September 2014

The news in brief 1st September 2014



The news in brief:

Whilst trying to read the news today, we realised the unpalatable truth that a woman’s thrupenny bits are more important than the Ebola virus, the escalating crisis in Ukraine and the actions of ISIS in Iraq and Syria, but are less important than the Premier League transfer window and which club has spent a third world nation’s debt on which players.  

Now here at The news in brief we think that Hollywood megastar Jennifer Lawrence is hot. Super hot. Mega hot. And we would totally love to see her boobs. But only if (and it's pretty unlikely) she goes to a magazine and a professional photographer and chooses to flash 'em.

Some deviant slimeball hacking her private and personal accounts, stealing candid moments and sharing them with the Internet's seedy underbelly is totally fucking uncool. We will not be looking for them, at them and we will take a very dim view of anyone who shares them.

In the words of 80’s pop sensation and host of TV’s Bullseye, Optimus Prime:
‘Freedom is the right of all sentient beings’ and no-one should decide when someone's wobbly bits are fit for public consumption except the wobbly bits’ owner.

Reading the news so you don’t have to…