The news in brief 7th July 2014

The news in brief: 

Man won the tennis

Man upset he didn’t win the tennis

Boeing 737s make bid for freedom

Many people grateful that dude is good at his job

Hilarious tattoo is hilarious  

Article states the obvious: old things are sometimes valuable

News outlet abandons written word for advert-laden videos

Paid-for service request payment

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Newspaper doesn’t like your holiday snaps

Some little cunt needs a clip round the ear

Police take passive-aggressive Facebook comments to the next level

Glowing bin probably not portal to heaven

Be sure to charge your phone before you get on the ‘plane…

Inappropriate images of Orinoco found on Great Uncle Bulgaria’s hard-drive

Study suggests sugar makes you… something… something… 

Pro tip: Cambridge, Essex and London not actually in France

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Shock: pensioners are people too

Misleading headline misses out some pretty pertinent information

Science starting to kick cancer’s arse

Nudes in brief: Kourtney Kardashian

‘Video games make people do bad things’ bullshit rears its ugly head again

Study suggests sugar makes you… something… something…

Diana Watch 2014: still ‘dead’

Reading the news so you don’t have to…      

The news in brief 6th July 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Celebrities not quite sure how Twitter works

Talented actor’s sexuality should be irrelevant, but for some reason it’s not

Woman updates social media

Professional model conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Pert bottoms are NOT news

Woman goes out for food

Woman wears dress

Shock: legal adult drinks alcohol

Woman eating chicken

Woman has cleavage

Wild speculation dismissed (and this is somehow news?!)

TV show is shit

Journalist told to be more soft and fluffy

Nudes in brief: Heidi Klum

Celebrities have the audacity to go outside in casual clothes

Paparazzi intrude on family day out

Outrage: pregnant woman dresses comfortably

Stop the press: family walks dog!

Woman wears bikini

Woman goes for a jog

Photographer catches mother and child wearing similar dresses

35 year-old defends being abusive on the Internet to a 19 year-old

Newspaper describes singer’s clothes and ‘toned body’ before mentioning her successful performance…

Diana Watch 2014: ‘still’ ‘dead’ 

Reading the… news?! so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 5th July 2014

- You lucky kids don’t normally get a the news in brief on Saturday. But I dropped the ball yesterday and totally forgot to post (read as ‘fell asleep on the living room carpet and had to be dragged to bed,’) so here’s an extra sweary poke through this weekend’s news…     

The news in brief 5^th July 2014:

Act of kindness shows us that not all people are selfish pricks

Half-Man, half-water melon attends world cup

Sexism is still a thing

Cobra Commander reveals his face to the world

Petra Kvitova gets 24 hours of fame before the men’s final overshadows her achievement

60 years ago, stuff happened ON TV!

Important document contains grammatical error

Family demonstrates that not all human beings are small-minded shits

Parents forget how to person

Invisible sky-wizard ruins another family   

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Very important document goes walk-about – people understandably pissed off

By ‘eck: Tour De Yorkshire goes ahead as planned

Economy still shit – but will be better than France’s in six years (maybe)

Expect to be destitute and starving by the time you’re 68…

#FirstWorldProblem: restaurant runs out of chicken

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Human’s myopic, vapid, self-aggrandising ego clearly has no limit

Cute squirrel is totally cute

Nudes in brief: Joanna Krupa   

Diana Watch 2014: still ‘dead’

Reading the news so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 4th July 2014

-Sorry I didn't get to post this yesterday: I was really tired and I fell asleep. Better late than never...

The story of Independence Day, by the news in brief:

200 years ago, on the 4th of July, the evil British Empire forged an alliance with Zombie Hitler, who was still lost in time after his final battle with Jesus at the end of the Bible.

The British wanted to take people's money as taxes without letting them have a say in how society was run. Zombie Hitler wanted to control the weather by blowing up the ocean. Together they built a gigantic space station with a gigantic death ray and they captured Jesus and Santa.

The president of the United States of America, a drunken red neck who had been abducted by the British before, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum teamed up to rescue Santa and Jesus from Area 51.

With Santa and Jesus free, Santa flew a captured British spaceship up to the British Empire's space station, which was similar but legally distinct from the Death Star, and blew it up using a computer virus. Luckily his Mac was compatible with the evil alien's operating system.
Meanwhile, Jesus and Hitler engaged in another epic battle. It all looked bad for Jesus when Hitler summoned his droid army from the future; but the day was saved when Hulk Hogan and Mr T came back from the future to help. Hitler's robot army was destroyed and he was cast back into the time stream.

Thanks to Jesus, Santa, Mr T and the Hulkster the mermaids remained in control of the weather and there would be no taxation without representation.

And they all went to Boston Harbour and had a tea party. The end

Paying attention to history, so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 3rd July 2014

The news in brief:

Israel/Palestine situation starts to get hairy

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Newspaper doesn’t like couple’s clothes

Awful parents forget how to person

Syria situation still pretty hairy

UK sees hottest summer this year

#Thinspiration is fucking up teenage girls

Misleading headline

Study suggests everybody is shit at flirting

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

New species of wasp makes nest from THE CORPSES OF ITS SLAIN ENEMIES!

Nudes in brief: Ali Landry    

Skin-to-skin contact is good for babies, so tabloid can shut its stupid face

Controversial killer drones are controversial

Great Uncle Bulgaria to face over three trillion historic allegations

Diana Watch 2014: New photo confirms alive 25 years ago. Still dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 2nd July 2014

The news in brief:

Barista proves that not all human beings are giant fuckwads

Multinational corporate giant supports basic human right

Woman is a giant fuckwad

Sherlock fans get their half-minute fix for the next 2 years

Ebola virus pretty fucking bad

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Doctors roll out a huge ‘I-told-you-so’ to the human race

Saving humanity from extinction ‘not good for profits’

PM threatens return to medieval healthcare

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

England decides that that Andrew Murray is Scottish again…

Study states the obvious: PE is good for kids

Wombling free: Great Uncle Bulgaria denies all charges

Crowd-funding pays for Youtube video no-one wants to see

Television executives apologise for not being psychic

Police somewhat heavy-handed

Moronic dickface gets what’s coming to him    

Ants will save us all!

People acts like cunts on the Internet

Man’s inhumanity to dogs continues apace

Science is fucking amazing

Bigfoot ‘probably just a bear’

Nudes in brief: Irina Shayk  

Diana Watch 2014: ‘still’ dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 1st July 2014

The news in brief:

Hand model has surprisingly pretty face

Exclusive: human beings are twats

Woman being comfortable in her skin SHOULD NOT BE NEWS!

Daniel Radcliffe is not actually Harry Potter

Man quite good at tennis

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Medieval morality has left baby disabled

Singer clearly doesn’t understand how Twitter works

Article suggests that if don’t like Facebook, you don’t actually have to use it

Man proves that not all human beings are irredeemable pricks

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

People continue to murder each other in invisible sky wizard’s name

High Street store restores grumpy news pundit’s faith in humanity   

Man basically writes his own P45

Breaking news: hot drinks are hot  

Thing is, I’d sue McDonalds if the hot chocolate was cold…

Mad suggestion that everyone has to play by the same rules

Boy genius is smarter than you

Police a bit heavy-handed

Study states the obvious: contraceptive pills stop you getting pregnant

Nudes in brief: Kendall Jenner

Pro tip: whales are really big

Diana Watch 2014: ‘still’ dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…