People seems to give a shit about films and television, so fresh from our Entertainment Correspondent’s fountain pen, here's the first of, hopefully many, reviews in brief
This week’s reviews in brief:
People in cold places are killed
People in hot places are killed
Boobs
You can't unsee that!
Watching Game of Thrones so you don't have to…
This week’s celebrity news in brief:
Even someone else's death inexplicably about the Kardashians
Bollocks on ITV2
Woman has legs
Woman updates social media
Woman has audacity to go outside without makeup on
Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty
Selfies are NOT news
Woman wears dress
Woman dresses appropriately for the weather
Breaking news: family eats breakfast
Pregnant woman looks pregnant
Woman wears bikini
Paparazzi intrudes on woman’s holiday
It's only a public display of affection because you've put it on the Internet, assholes
Man gets juice
Stop the press: woman has nipples
Professional prat sparks outrage
Nudes in brief: Rita Ora
And finally: people lose their shit on the Internet
Reading the news so you don't have to…
Today’s news in brief:
Happy birthday Your Majesty!
2016 strikes again
Man's inhumanity to man continues apace
Remember kids: every man on Earth is a potential rapist just waiting for the opportunity to slip on a dress and take advantage of supermarket’s new trans-friendly toilets…
Fear-mongering idiots
Man's Lorry is better than yours
Man's wallet too small for all his fifties and his diamond shoes are too tight
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Bad news: bacon bad for you again
Outrage as trainees caught training
Government remembers that the North East exists
Dictatorship gets scarier and scarier every day
Even terrorist nutjobs need a summer holiday. Hopefully.
Dog was really fucking old
Terrifying ghostly figure probably not a ghost. Probably.
Newspaper highlights importance of feminism
Same newspaper tells women what to wear at work to succeed….
Study states the obvious: sugar is bad for you
Nudes in brief: Natasha Oakley
And finally: you've probably been brushing your teeth all wong…
Reading the news so you don't have to…
Today’s news in brief:
2016 claims another legend and this time it's one of the comedy greats that inspired us to try and be funny for a living...
Today’s news in brief
Listen up fucknuggets, we are the last people to support Baron Von Trump, mostly because we don't want one of the most powerful economies and one of the most formidable militaries in the world in the hands of a wild-eyed madman who’s entire manifesto seems to be ‘Yeah America!’
But, cheap point scoring isn't how the good guys win. Yeah he said 7/11 when he meant to say 9/11, yeah that is kinda funny because to the best of my knowledge a thirty-ounce soda has never hijacked a plane, but it was a slip of the tongue and we went on to talk about the selfless heroism of the construction workers and first-responders at Ground Zero.
He was talking about the Spirit of New York and for better or worse there's no separating the indomitable spirit of New Yorkers from the devastating terror attacks and their aftermath.
So why not leave the sarcastic remarks to the professionals and go back to reporting important stuff?
Reading the news so you don't have to…
Today’s news in brief:
Human beings continue to murder each over arbitrary lines in the dirt
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Dictatorship continues its assault on the bottom of the ocean
Aquaman unavailable for comment
Economy still pretty fucked
Nation of impoverished farmers continues to spend money on weapons of mass destruction
Earth shrugs its indifferent shoulders and there's nothing we can do to stop it
Man's inhumanity to man continues apace
Great British public surprises no-one
Conspiracy theorists might have been a little bit right
Nation threatens to spit its dummy out
Drones will kill us all
Breaking news: laws apply to famous people too
First biscuits, then ice-cream now we're running out of prosecco…
Routine follow-up is not news
Victim-blaming still a thing
Diana Watch 2016: couple sit on bench. Still dead.
Man with gold hat sorts out 0.001% of a problem
Nudes in brief: Chanelle Hayes
Out campaign should have registered the domain name sooner… www.voteleave.co.uk
Reading the news so you don't have to…
Today's news in brief:
Politician has a problem with masturbation
Idiots still obsessed with one particular back issue of The Lancet
Man literally full of shit
Couple too busy smooching
World pretty goddamned fucked
Economy still pretty shit
Institutional racism still a thing
Hashtag still hasn't generated real-world results
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Breaking news: sausages are not recreational drugs
Man's inhumanity to man continues apace
Woman tells it like it is
Council shits all over charity event
Science is fucking awesome: paralysed man now better at Guitar Hero than us
Loch Ness discovery massive let-down
Medieval morality treats gay couple like shit
Monumental beer crime
Man somewhat passionate about fence
Nudes in brief: Rhian Sugden
And finally: man really passionate about quiche
Reading the news so you don't have to…
Today’s news in brief :
Here's the Summary Squirrel with his round-up of the week's top stories:
Today's news in brief:
Empowering message not all that empowering
Medieval mindset continues to treat women like shit
Mad question, has anyone tried telling men not to rape?
Woman lambasted for having unpopular opinion
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Porn site calls out state’s bullshit
Two-headed snake can't take its own shit
Teacher forgets how to person
Airline cranks customer service up to 11
Pissing off all your friends can save you hundreds of pounds
Economy still pretty shit
Man's inhumanity to man continues apace
Gigantic asshole doesn't quite understand how evidence works
Bank holiday traffic forecast surprises no-one
New app lets you do what kids have been doing with Sharpies for years
Pro tip: tax returns aren't meant to be interesting
Product placement masquerading as news
Study states the obvious: drugs are bad for you
Stars in their bras: Vicky Pattison
And finally: there are some pretty fucked up fetishes out there...
Reading the news so you don't have to…
Today's news in brief:
Mystery sphere totally left by aliens
Couple want to keep it in the family
Man just saying what we're all thinking
Demonstration does not go to plan
Ice cream shortage predicted in time for summer
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Human beings treat dog like shit
Pro tip assholes: teenage boys are the ones responsible for teenage boys’ sexual urges.
Vigilantes make error in judgement
Skynet totally welcome on UK’s roads
Hilarious dictatorship becoming slightly frightening
Tax returns surprise no-one
Perhaps he’s just really good at what he does…
Man totally just wanted a sandwich
Man's inhumanity to man continues apace
Civil servants forget how to person
Bar set pretty fucking low for latest body-shaming story
Study states the obvious : cars not actually possessed by evil spirits
Diana Watch 2016: still dead (seriously, that's the whole story)
Nudes in brief: Riley Keough
And finally: man didn't really know what he'd signed up for...
Reading the news so you don't have to…
This week’s celebrity news in brief:
Newspaper really upset that it can't air other people's dirty laundry
If we were based 70 miles up the road, we could totally talk about the celebrity threesome
If we were based 70 miles up the road we probably still wouldn't give a shit
Woman wears dress
Woman wears earring with dress
Broken family spends time together
Broken family probably doesn't need paparazzi camping outside their house taking pictures of their child…
Pro tip: taking photos of minors and putting them online is pretty fucking weird
Cleavage still isn't news
Wild speculation masquerading as news
Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty
Model helps to narrow media's definition of beauty a little bit more
Woman wears bikini
Woman updates social media
Actress has the audacity to go outside without makeup
Stop the press: woman pops out to get coffee
Man goes outside
Breaking news: women has arse
Nudes in brief: Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace
And finally: reality TV show totally fixed
Reading the news so you don't have to…
Today’s news in brief:
9 year old girl out-sasses The news in brief
Old git politely informed to go suck it
New bride’s pedo surprise
Bakesale backlash sadly proves bakesale’s point
Man's inhumanity to man continues apace
Newspaper needs new proofreader
Great news: full fat milk is good for you (this week)
Newspaper wheels out optical illusion from, like, 1448 maybe?!
Internet scraping the bottom of the inbox for news
Crude sketch probably not a werewolf
Religion's body count continues to mount
Product placement masquerading as news
Asshole gets what he deserves
Lawyer not very good at whole lawyering thing…
Economy still pretty fucked
Newspaper keen to share other people's business
Study states the obvious: fruit is good for you
Politician surprises no-one
Nudes in brief: Imogen Thomas
And finally: we know this might not be the right time to ask, but if you have to obscure their faces, what's the point of the courtroom sketch in the first place?
Reading the news so you don't have to…
Today’s news in brief:
Internet awash with Father Ted references
‘Money was just resting in that account,’ insists PM
‘That would be an ecumenical matter,’ says Icelandic PM
Racist assholes called out on Twitter
Pro tip assholes: it shouldn't have to be on Twitter before you pay attention
Turns out you can die from a broken heart
Medieval morality strikes again
Newspaper not at all bias about Junior Doctors’ strike
Brutal dictatorship surprises no-one
Austerity continues to fuck people who need supporting most
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Newspaper wheels out its latest extinction horror story
Man's inhumanity to man continues apace
Indistinct blur probably not the Loch Ness Monster
That is one spicy burger!
Giant fucking crocodile!
You know it probably wasn't the person who painted the lines who gave the man the ticket…
Study states the obvious: exercise is good for you
Stars in their bras: Ariel Winters
And finally: Nazi just wants to be loved
Reading the news so you don't have to…
Today’s news in brief:
So in hindsight it might have been a bad idea to send the Summary Squirrel out to investigate this whole Panama thing...
Today’s news in brief:
World leader has been very naughty (allegedly)
Burglar rubbish at hiding
Newspaper adds more drama to morbid fanfiction
Cinema snacks are fucking expensive
Dirty bastard gets what he deserves
Swan doesn't give a shit
Fat people are supposed to be harder to kidnap
Racist prick is both racist and a prick
‘Safe spaces,’ getting a teeny bit out of hand
Man's inhumanity to man continues apace
Chimps probably don't have organised religion
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Skynet having a bash at journalism now
Weed will save us all
Passenger bites off more than he can chew
Hate wizard continues inexplicable march towards victory
Study states the obvious: magicians are good at magic tricks
Diana Watch 2016: face appears on a tee-shirt. Still dead.
Stars in their bras: Bella Hadid
And finally: article suggest Rick Astley stopped being cool at some point…?!
Reading the news so you don't have to…
This week’s celebrity news in brief:
TV channel finds whole sub-basement level below the bottom of the barrel
Woman shows up someplace
Uninformed opinions reproduced as credible arguments
Woman does job
Woman wears dress
Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty
Rich megastar used to getting own way
Couple’s relationship problems somehow our business
Couple goes out together
Self-obsessed media darling finds new way to self-promote
Cleavage is not news
Man caught taking nap
Paparazzi intrudes on family day out
Newspaper has the good grace to pixilate the child for once
Woman has legs
Woman dresses for the weather
Pregnant woman looks a bit pregnant
Woman goes for walk
Woman updates social media
Wild speculation!
Stars in their bras: Farrah Abraham
And finally: woman has an itt bitty tattoo
Reading the news so you don't have to…
Today’s news in brief:
Sugar tax extended to include placebos and Lush body butters
Carrier bag charge increased to 6p per bag
2016 promises to not kill any more childhood heroes
Sadsack from the Raggy Dolls dies age 82
Chancellor’s new budget advocates burning old budget and denying all knowledge
Attention-seeking hyper-bitch apologises to overweight, redhead immigrants with place names for names
David Cameron quits politics to open puppy farm
CIA apologises for Donald Trump ‘experiment'
Quinoa no longer fashionable. Poor people can suddenly afford highly nutritious grain.
Starbucks unveils 100 ounce frappuccino
New government guidelines suggest 5 portions of cheesecake a day
Study states the obvious: don't eat shit
Schools forced to start teaching ‘workplace obedience.’
Man's inhumanity to man takes a much-needed day off
New study suggests that poverty linked to not having money
1% occupy the 0.01% calling for wealth to be redistributed
Google’s Deep Thought begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, April 1st. In a panic, they try to pull the plug.
Assholes try to enforce ‘pranks stop at noon’ house-rule.
Nudes in brief: Aquaman
And finally: making up kinda-relevant fake news is so much harder than super-condensing actual news...
Reading the news so you don’t have to...
