The news in brief 29th and 30th January 2016

Yesterday’s news in brief:

Sorry we totally dropped the ball this week:

Breaking news: royal has life outside of work

Space is fucking huge

Otherwise civilised nation forgets how to person

Study states the obvious: vegetables are good for you

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Shop a bit too keen to fuck up the environment

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Russia / Turkey situation upgraded from ‘a bit hairy’ to ‘pretty hairy’

US / China situation upgraded from ‘slightly worrisome’ to ‘sort of ropey’

Incredibly smart man also incredibly dull

Political hate machine no longer funny

Scaremongering bullshit

Otherwise civilised nation prepares to dole out medieval punishment

Economy still pretty fucked

Bastard fucking poacher bastards

Hero pilot was harder than you'll ever be

Robot cars will kill us all

Nudes in brief: Shanina Shaik

And finally: bunny has wild adventure

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 31st January 2016

Today’s news in brief:

My dad used to say ‘if wit were shit, you'd be constipated.’ Well if that were true, then the late great Sir Terry Wogan was the gastroenteritis of the airwaves.

He was the king of banter, back when banter meant informal conversation and not mediocre high street chicken and chips.

He was wise and warm and folksy back when those things were positive traits - before deadpan sarcasm and passive-aggressive sniping became the way to entertain people.

Rest in peace Mr Wogan. Radio 2 will never be the same again.

Now… on with the passive-aggressive sarcasm:

‘Media ban’ apparently a complicated concept

Cleavage is still totally not news

Friends update social media

Woman wears dress

Actual news hiding in the celebrity pages

Paparazzi stalks woman

Stop the press: man has shave

Pregnant woman looks pregnant

Woman doesn't dress for the weather

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Nudes in brief: Rita Ora

And finally: woman caught wearing comfortable clothes

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 28th January 2016

Today’s news in brief:

More fucking bomb scares in our fucking schools?!

Mad suggestion that people should be treated like human beings

Rhetoric gets uncomfortably Trumpy

Pro tip: disabled people are people too

Rare victory for common sense

Means testing not actually evil

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

For God's sake, at least have a wash first

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Madman promises to throw his own party

Product placement still not news

Being born in the Millennium not actually a crime

Cats will kill us all

Disneyland terror take down

Economy still pretty shit

Transpecies now totally a thing

New car still needs roads where it's going

Greeks find a whole bunch of fig leaves

French refuse to go one meal without wine

Stars in their bras: Amy Childs

And finally: coffee won't kill us all

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 27th January 2016

Today’s news in brief:

At this point, we're willing to believe that the restless undead spirit of an angry snail (that identified as an angry squirrel) is somehow haunting an old walkabout phone in The news in brief’s office.

The more important question is: why aren't you…?

The news in brief 26th January 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Stupid cunts deserve what's coming to them

Study states the obvious: smart animals are smart

Sweeteners will kill us all!

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Man's inhumanity to dogs continues apace

Man's inhumanity to kittens continues apace

Doomsday Clock has nothing good to say about us

Politician pretty fucking racist

Everyone thinks that they could do a better job

Politician attempts to fudge the figures

Climate change probably our fault

The French may have to start working for a living

Artist not at all subtle

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Supermarket has been very naughty

Study states the even obviouser: sleep is good for you

Pro tip: you don't have to be a bastard to succeed

Igloo probably didn't conforms to rental standards

Common sense met with hysterical outrage

We're pretty sure the Earth isn't flat

We're also pretty sure that there isn't a gigantic, indestructible dome encircling humanity, with the night sky projected on the inner surface to make us think the Earth is round…. Seriously.  

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The news in brief 25th January 2016

Today’s news in brief:

There’s going to be some goddamned weather

Clickbait will kill us all

Pro tip: something can be bad without being Nazi bad…

Science to the rescue!

Alligator was totally there first

Ironic shooting

Social media totally misses the point

Study states the obvious: spontaneity not actually shameful

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Fearmongering bullshit

Quick question: does that make it a Bukkake whale?!

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Trains remain a bit shit

Economy set to implode

Terrifying giant spider

Medieval regime not so good at counting

Apparently ‘professional asshole’ is a legitimate job now

Study states the even obviouser: Teenagers have smelly bedrooms

Nudes in brief: Emily Ratajkowski

And finally: more children who should be at school learning, or running and playing, or reading or colouring in, washed up dead on a beach. No and finally today…

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The news in brief 24th January 2016

This week’s celebrity news in brief:

Hollywood types have new nicknacks to dust

Vegetable peelers will kill us all

Two grown up argue about knickers

Woman conforms to media’s increasingly narrow definition of beauty

Breaking news: man spends time with child

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Newspaper doesn’t give two shits about person’s feelings

Wild speculation

Family eats breakfast

Actor goes outside

Woman wears dress

Man wears hat

Newspaper has feelings about woman’s outfit

Woman doesn’t wear make up

Woman pops to the shops

We still think taking photos of other people kids and putting them online is weird

Pregnant woman totally isn’t showing anything off

Woman wears bikini   

Man conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman updates social media

Nudes in brief: Cara Kilbey

And finally: Phillip Schofield reminds us why he’s The news in brief’s hero…   

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The news in brief 19th January 2016

Today’s news in brief:

White, cis-gendered heterosexual couple think system is unfair

North Korea’s wizards have done it again

Economy still pretty shit

Prominent scientist has both seen, and understood,  the Terminator

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Pointless debate is pointless

Celebrity hate-engine has zero fucks to give

Nothing starts a career like being saddled with even more debt...

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

People act like cunts of the Internet

Mad suggestion: woman owns her own body and she can wear what the fuck she likes

Telephone scam pretty phishy

Cloud formation probably not restaurant-critiquing tyre-man

TWITTER IS DOWN.  REPEAT TWITTER IS DOWN. EVERYONE REMAIN CALM!

Hoax bomb threats are absolutely,  positively NOT funny

Relax everyone,  Twitter’s back…

If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits? Puttin' out the Ritz

Diana Watch 2016: BBC shoehorns her into a headline. Still dead.

Stars in their bras: Frankie Essex

And finally: Trump not banned from the UK. But he's not coming to our house for tea and he's not allowed to play with our LEGO

Reading the news so you don’t have to....

The news in brief 18th January 2016

Today’s news in brief:

We swear this job is getting harder and harder every day. Up to 300 massacred in the streets, as many as 400 kidnapped and more bombings. All because some bellends feel differently about some people's interpretation of a COMPLETELY UNKNOWABLE AND POSSIBLY MADE-UP INVISIBLE SKY WIZARD. It's hard enough to process that information, let alone find a way to tell jokes about the world around it.

Suffices to say that man's inhumanity to man continues apace.  

Holiday a bit too pagan-y for Christian church

Alleged tea addict drinks suspiciously few cups of tea

Study states the obvious: you probably hate your job

Steam is a gateway drug

Monkeys are better people than you

Blue Monday entirely made up

Pro tip: respect is a two way street

General public literally never satisfied

Rampant ideology: 1 Common sense: 0

Government encourages parents to use services they closed

Could you not maybe bulldoze people's only shelter *after* they've been rehoused?

Chances are your CV is shit

Nudes in brief: Kourtney Kardashian

And finally: cats are fucking huge

Reading the news so you don’t have to....

The news in brief 17th January 2016

This week’s celebrity news in brief:

Couple pops to the shop

Breaking news: even celebrities need groceries

Woman has legs

Public breakdown is not entertainment

Woman updates social media

Cleavage is NOT news

Woman wears a dress

Paparazzi intrudes on woman’s holiday

Woman wears clothes appropriate for the weather

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

There’s nothing remotely newsworthy about playing games whilst on holiday

Heterosexuals continue to undermine the sanctity of marriage

Big Brother inexplicably still on

The finer details of a couple’s divorce are none of our fucking business

Wild speculation

Pro tip: it’s only a ‘public’ display of affection because you assholes took a picture and put it online

Woman wears trousers

Newspaper feels ways about woman’s outfit

Newspaper continues to perv on minor

Woman fails to conform to media’s narrow definition of beauty

People ‘keeping a low profile’ probably don’t want their picture in the papers…

Nudes in brief: Millie Mackintosh

And finally: man wears coat

Reading the ‘news’ so you don’t have to....

The news in brief 15th January 2016

Today's news in brief:

It is with much sadness that The news in brief has to announce the tragic and untimely loss of the Summary Squirrel.  

He was so overcome with grief and disappointment about the death of The World’s Greatest Movie Villain Alan Rickman that he journeyed into the Underworld,  waded across the River Styx and booted the Grim Reaper square in the nuts.

Square. In the fucking nuts.

Of course there's no coming back from that, but it needed doing and he goddamned got the job done. Because although he was a hard-drinking, foul-mouthed, belligerent arsehole, he was a bad ass mother fucker and he knew how to take care of business.

Whilst not everyone can wade through rivers of lost souls and kick metaphorical representations of universal constants square in the motherfucking nuts, everyone can do something about cancer which is a terrible disease that rips families apart.  

You can help your family make more responsible lifestyle choices.

You can give money to Cancer Research UK

You can donate your old stuff to a cancer-related charity shop. If you have Transformers to give away and live in South Tyneside we totally encourage this...

You can host a MacMillan Cancer Care coffee morning and raise a bit of cash for the wonderful people who help care for families who are affected by this asshole disease.

You can even write a blog post spurring people to action. It's not slacktivism so long as you back it up.

Back to normal service on Sunday.

Reading the news so you don't have to…

The news in brief 13th January 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Yesterday was a pretty gruelling news day, so instead of letting the Summary Squirrel shout abuse at you today, here's a nice story about some nice people doing a nice thing...

http://pulptastic.com/can-i-stay-here-forever/?utm_content=bufferfbcae&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

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The news in brief 12th January 2015

Today’s new in brief:

Product placement totally isn’t news

Big business plans to fuck over increasing gullible customer base

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

The Internet feels ways about Junior Doctors’ strike

Mad suggestion that the people who fix us when we’re broken should have adequate rest

Study states the obvious: red bull and coffee no substitute for sleep

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Just so you know, you get indigenous rapists and murderers too…

Train delayed by wrong kind of sunshine…

… is the sort of lazy reporting you’d expect from some dirty tabloid. Would you rather a train driver risk killing people for the sake of a few minutes wait?

Our ‘emotional support animal’ would totally be an emu

Science is fucking awesome… but you’re going to have to read about gravitational waves for yourself because we can’t bend our heads around it

Incredible hypocrisy

Well-meaning blogger no good at maths

Lottery fever!

Looks like we’re going to need a bigger billboard!

Wintery weather due until at least spring

Stock market about to shit itself

Stars in their bras: Stephanie Davis

And finally: jubilant (albeit linguistically challenged) celebration of life goes viral

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The news in brief 11th January 2016

Today’s new in brief:

There really hasn't been any other news today, has there?

Rest in peace, Starman

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 10h January 2015

This week’s celebrity news in brief:

Pro tip: grizzly murders are NOT entertainment

Newspaper fails to interpret subtle ‘fuck off and mind your own business’ message

Woman does job

Women update social media

Woman wears clothes appropriate for the weather weather

Newspaper fuel wild speculation

Some poor fucker’s bad times are none of our business

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Breaking news: man spends time with daughter

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Photographers stalk young couple

Heterosexuals continues to undermine the sanctity of marriage

Looks like Airport Paparazzi Guy is getting paid again this week

Seriously?! Why the obsession with people getting off planes?

Woman wears hat

Woman pops to the shops

Wait! Stop… we totally just found a ‘woman goes outside’ piece, and whilst it’s still weird and totally not news, her size, shape, legs, cleavage, make-up, apparent energy levels or clothes aren’t judged at all. Like not even a little bit…

Since this is obviously a sign of the coming apocalypse, we’re going to knock it on the head early tonight, head down to the fallout shelter and start investing all of our money in bottled water and shot guns

Reading the news so you don't have to…

The news in brief 9th January 2016

Today's news in brief:

What a week it’s been! In the last few days we’ve had:

A lone wolf terrorist shoots at a cop in America

Knifeman attacks police station in France

Gunplay in McDonald’s carpark

Gang rapes in Germany

Mass shooting in Egypt

Missing family found buried in a garden

Meanwhile a man who models himself on the Emperor from Star Wars run for government

You try making jokes about that! I mean, we’re a pair of funny fuckers but there are goddamned limits.But then God loves a tryer so here goes:

China tears down its Megazord

Newspaper reinforces regional stereotypes

Railway enthusiasts somewhat excited

Film does really fucking well

Record breaking game of hide-and-seek finally ended

Mad suggestion that we could drop food instead of bombs sometimes

Online petition to end online petitions is a thing. And it’s wonderful

Doctor forgets how to person

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Anonymous cunts abuse their Internet privileges

Internet doesn’t understand false economy

Nudes in brief: Ashley James

And finally: adorable baby is adorable... 

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 7th January 2016

Today’s news in brief:

It was inevitable really...

The news in brief 6th January 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Government continues to sell off your stuff

Affordable housing is for wusses says MPs

Presidential candidate no longer funny

Correspondents medically incapable of reading the article

Funny how there's not enough money for food, but there is enough money for terrifying megaweapons

Breaking news: it's probably all lies

More scaremongering bullshit

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Horrible woman forgets how to person

North East of England continues to be a tiny bit wet

Wintery weather forecast until at least spring

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

German PM has suspicious package (sorry)

God determined to stop wedding

BBC calls MP a hunt

LOTTERY FEVER!!!  

Hunters, woodsman and outdoorsmen ‘threatened' with power cut…

Study states the obvious: peering into your petrol tank with a lighter is a Very Bad Idea

Stop sharing clickbait you gullible buttguffs

Nudes in brief: Vicky Pattison

And finally: great news - black pudding is a superfood!

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 5th January 2016

Today’s news in brief:

The past was pretty shit for a lot of people

The Internet is actually pretty useful

Thoroughly British man makes the best of it

Scaremongering bullshit masquerading as news

Breaking news: dogs probably wouldn’t wear trousers

Mad suggestions that guns kill people and some people shouldn’t have them

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

People act like bellends on the Internet

Pro tip: freedom of speech means sometimes hearing things you don’t agree with

Religion’s bodycount too legit to quit

Crazy idea that we shouldn’t be friends with medieval barbarians

Victim blaming is NOT news

Economy still pretty naff

Giant statue not at all insensitive…

Rey left her merchandise in a galaxy far, far away  

North East of England somewhat moist

Woman’s bionic eye is pretty fucking unreal

Turns out people enjoy spanking

Nudes in brief: Charlize Theron

And finally: one-eyed cat is way cooler than you

Reading the news so you don't have to…

The news in brief 4th January 2016

Today’s news in brief:

General public fails to grasp the difference between ‘not condoning,’ and ‘shouting abuse at strangers in the street’

Not really sure what else the airstrip might have been for…

Mad suggestion that the law applies to everyone equally

Pro tip: you can save the planet without being a dick about it

Terrorist group moves from villainy to cartoon supervillainy

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Irony apparently lost on MPs

Periodic table now even harder to memorise

Economy pretty fucked

Public transport nightmare as miserable fuckers drag themselves back to work

Billionaire straight-up plans to build Skynet

Dummy spitter says sorry like a big boy

Study states the obvious: education somewhat important

Racial double-standards

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Crazy evil genius set to conquer mankind

Copenhagen is too hardcore for Facebook   

Thieves were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off

Scooter prick

Nudes in brief: Ashley James

And finally: Tom Daley’s pan is pretty metal   

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 3rd January 2016

This week’s celebrity news in brief:

Beloved childhood legend comes back to life and dies all over again. Again.

Cleavage is not news

Parent displays normal parent-like behavior

Paparazzi behaviour bordering on stalker-y

Media intrudes on private moment

Woman wears clothes appropriate for activity

Man updates social media

Wild speculation

Woman wears bikini

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Model fails to conform to media's narrow definition of beauty

Man’s breakdown inexplicably our business

Woman wears dress

Friends caught spending time together

Breaking news: family caught spending time together

Hat somehow newsworthy

Princess clearly not ‘wrestling' with suitcase

Leave the man alone - he’s probably trying to buy a fucking bookcase

Man pops to the shop

Stars in their bras: Abi Titmuss

And finally: whose whole job is it to follow famous people around, poised with a camera, just in case a nipple pops out…?!

Reading what can only generously be called news, so you don't have to…

The news in brief 1st January 2016

Today's news in brief:

For crying out loud, you disgusting sacks of meat; can't you go one day - one fucking day - without gunning each other down?!

Happy new year.