The news in brief 31st July 2015

The news in brief:

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The news in brief 30th July 2015

The news in brief:

Newspaper wants to know why we’re not mad about the millions of ugly animals we kill everyday

Lion clearly more popular than millions of displaced, war-weary human beings

Old lady advocates lynch-mob justice

Whoever said ‘there’s no such thing as bad publicity’ obviously never heard of Twitter

Celebrities hop on convenient band wagon

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Study states the obvious: supermarket own labels cheaper than big name brands

Remember: a woman has the right to wear anything she wants on her body (unless other women don’t approve of it, then they’re wrong and they’re not smart enough to make their own choices and they’ve got to conform…!)

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Your city is probably shit

Economy still pretty terrible

Technology makes people think less good

People fucking hate robot checkouts

Pandas are dirty benefit cheats

No shit: sugar tastes sweet

Humans too stupid to text and walk

Kale will kill us all!

False widows are back (and will probably kill us all)

Pro tip: hysterectomies are not an oral procedure

Newspaper wheels out meme from 1994

Nudes in brief: Joanna Krupa

And finally: newspaper doesn’t quite get how physics works

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The news in brief 29th July 2015

The news in brief:

Once again, the Summary Squirrel gets to the heart of what really matters

The news in brief 28th July 2015

The news in brief:

Peer re-enacts 'bitches leave' scene from Robocop

Childhood fear of escalators tragically legitimate

Wills apparently not worth the paper they're written on

Seagulls probably not planning new World War

Exclusive news: person voices opinion without understand article

Logical suggestion met with hysteria

New initiative is a total cop out

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Giant vigilante dishes our carpark justice

Shape-shaming media literally never happy

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Study states the obvious: building Skynet might be a bad idea

Newspaper shoe-horns you-know-who into potential murder investigation

Club bans institutionalised homophobia (and it’s about fucking time too)

Breaking news: technology was shit in the past

Beware of black market Ribena

Economy a bit less shit (but still quite shit)

Study reveals that mosquitoes are basically cunts

Dentistry's inhumanity to lions continues apace

Judge clearly has some shady mates

The news in brief's editor wants to know where all this catcalling is going on

Nudes in brief: Holly Hagan 

And finally: France gets a little bit 'Mockingjay Part II' 

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The news in brief 26th July 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

As the world continues to fall apart at the seems and the seagulls prepare to enslave mankind, let’s see what celerity horseshit the tabloids are distracting us with…

Breaking news: sports star doesn’t win all the time  

Some people we’ve never heard of get hitched

Woman wears beachwear to the beach

Paparazzi intrudes on family holiday

Pregnant woman looks a bit pregnant

The story’s about a celebrity on the beach, but we’re more interested in the fact that the inflatable’s clearly a shark and not a dolphin. It’s just lazy journalism really.

Photographer intrudes on private moment

Stop the press: couple hold hands in public

Minor wardrobe malfunction

Woman *almost* has a wardrobe malfunction. How is this news?!

Once again, we find ourselves wondering if every celebrity woman has a dedicated photographer following them around in case the wind catches their skirt

Family bust-up somehow our business

Woman wears dress

Pro tip: following around and taking a picture of someone else’s kid is pretty fucking weird.

Wild speculation

Woman looks quite tired late at night…

Side boob

Scandal: man caught yawning

Nudes in brief: Rachel Weisz  

And finally: we also pretty sure sharing the racy pictures a 17 year-old posts of herself is pretty fucking weird…

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The news in brief 24th July 2015

The news in brief:

Pro tip: mega successful businessman probably knows what he’s doing

Study states the obvious: people are happier if you don’t treat them like shit

Diesel cheaper than petrol?! When did we move the mirror universe?

Turns out guns do kill people

Lions don’t give a shit about right of way

Prince has more money than you

Stupidity apparently knows no limits

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Ducks aren’t too clear about rules of the road either

Remember kids: body-shaming is totally okay if the victim is a dude

Bland poem inexplicably popular

Spare me this mockery of justice!

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Is your air conditioning sexist?

Man’s inhumanity to whales continues apace

Phallic pink object probably not a sex toy (and even if it were, who gives a shit?)

General public are bloodthirsty cunts

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch obviously hadn’t been in the news for a while

Man’s inhumanity to chimpanzees continues apace

There’s a word for alternatives medicines that work. They’re called medicines.

AI has pretty nice handwriting

Science unleashes immortal worms!

Nudes in brief: Natalie Imbruglia

And finally: sexy mannequin not ‘official signage…’

  

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The news in brief 23rd July 2015

The news in brief:

Breaking news: two-year-old exhibits ‘normal, toddler-like behaviour’

Garage forecourts might have their signs upside down   

Pro-tip: you arrest sex offenders when you have the chance

Country for sale (it’s not Greece)

Priest has sticky fingers

Internet loses its shit over film posters

Product placement still isn’t news though

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

MP answers the question…

Pepper suddenly popular

Study a bit one-sided

Kepler 452b looks like a nice place to visit

                                          

Number of really stupid decisions on the rise

Minor spat escalated quickly

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Newspaper forgets to be impartial

Common sense wins rare victory

Misleading headline

Public service announcement: you can be right without being a dick

Parent outraged when rules applied to her too  

Eamonn Holmes ‘pulls a Turnbull…’ 

Hypocritical bullshit

Nudes in brief: Myleene Klass (still)

And finally: grandparents are totally cooler than you…

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