The news in brief 9th February 2016

We drafted this last night, but we literally just read about the train crash in Germany. Our thoughts are with those injured and with the families of those who lost their lives. Bad, bad times.

Today’s news in brief:

We follow a lot of outlets to put together this blog. Specifically: The Daily Mail, The Telegraph, The Sun, Metro, Yahoo News, The Independent,  The Huffington Post,  Buzzfeed, and BBC news.  We check in with a whole host of other newspapers and blogs from time to time, depending on who or what's got Twitter's collective knickers in a twist.

Yesterday’s big story was Super Bowl 50 and across all of these news outlets we've learned:

Which adverts cost the most

What new film trailers have ‘dropped'

Which adverts pissed people off

Which adverts have gone viral

What cars had adverts

Which musicians performed at the halftime show

Reactions to the halftime show

Political ramifications of the reactions to the halftime show

People's reaction to what the artists were wearing

Who sang the national anthem

People's reactions to who sung the national anthem

People's unkind comments about who sung the national anthem

What we haven't learned is which teams were playing and what the score was…

Reading the news so you don’t have to...

The news in brief 8th February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

People played some football

Technology giant disappears up its own anus

Spare us this mockery of justice

Man's life destroyed for no good reason

Filmmakers a teeny bit insensitive

Flashmob fails to smurf smurf record

Twins are not proof of dominate machine empire

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Rogue Nation doesn't give a shit about sanctions

Incredible Hulk has opinions about fracking

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Government clamps down on tax fraud… unless you're a big business with an army of lawyers

Eagles help take on Skynet

Parking on a lake seemed like such a good idea at the time

People pissed that the laws apply to them

Stop the press: two separate shops have completely different pricing structures

Big business finds new ways to scalp the poor

Study states the obvious: smoking, drinking and junk food are bad for you

Stars in their bras: Myleene Klass

And finally: woman is pretty fucking stingy

Reading the news so you don’t have to...

The news in brief 7th February 2016

This week’s celebrity news in brief :

Paparazzi intrudes on social occasion

Wild speculation

Child wears clothes

Newspaper's obsession with minor continues apace

Maybe armatures shouldn't be doing Olympic sports…

Woman goes outside

Woman updates social media

Breaking news: child looks a bit like her mother

Woman wears coat in the rain

Woman owns boots

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Actress has had enough of your shit

Singer tells the world to fuck off and mind its own business

Stop the press: people look a bit different 9 years later

Woman wears bikini

Cleavage is NOT news

Woman fails to conform to media's narrow definition of beauty

Diana Watch 2016: newspaper still finding ways to make money from her memory

Nudes in brief: Khloe Kardashian

And finally: woman dresses for the weather

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 4th February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Breaking news: man has entirely unremarkable sexual appetite

Website to open 300 ironic stores

Assholes defeated at their own game

Deodorant will kill us all

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Zoo completes hilarious safety drill - but should Zebra roles be given to non-zebras?!

Counterintuitive idea inexplicably successful

Religious leaders would rather babies be born with crippling birth defects than let dudes spunk in a latex tube

Deities unavailable for comment

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

House prices still pretty fucking mental

Average schmuck will live with mum and dad until they're 135

Pro tip fucknuggets: sexual harassment is never okay,  regardless of what junk you're packing

Britain not expected to survive devastating biscuit shortage

Industrious kids refuse to let limitations stand in their way

Turns out it was all social media’s fault

Politician spectacular bad loser

Study states the obvious: commuting sucks donkey balls

Nudes in brief: Dylan Penn

And finally: theatre makes the world a marginally better place

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 3rd February 2016

Today’s news in brief :

Turns out the little gobshite was just in the salad crisper the whole time. Anyway, here's the Summary Squirrel with his round up of the day's news:

The news in brief 2nd February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Celebrity bum play is NOT news

But did anyone ask the horses permission?!

Economy still pretty ropey

Great news: skiving is good for you

Internet full of lies

Mass transit system told to buck its fucking ideas up

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Racoon just wanted to get home…

‘Pro-rape group’ inexplicably not hate speech

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Baby’s miracle escape

Shop decides to stop robbing off women

Breaking news: groundhog behaviour not actually linked to weather patterns   

Jurassic cock

Bastards forget how to person

Don’t be alarmed, but somebody broke the Internet

China suffers commuter nightmare

Newspaper condones theft…

Vampire attacks probably not at all supernatural

Love at first byte

Nudes in brief: Kim Kardashian

And finally: snowboarding baby totally nails it

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 1st February 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Refugees fail to conform to media's narrow definition of ‘in need’

Cloned pets are totally a thing now

Cybervillain has low expectations

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

World teeters on the brink of economic collapse (maybe)

Pilots have nerves of goddamned steel

Terrorists surprise no-one

Mad suggestion that human rights apply to everyone

Not treating people like shit linked to low crime rate

Study states the obvious: cats are terrible people

House haunted by satanic goat…

Doctors are fucking miracle workers

German politician uncomfortably Hitler-y

Islamophobic bullshit

Newspaper continues its love-affair with discount retailer

Product placement is NOT news

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

People act like dicks on the Internet

Stars in their bras: Myleene Klass

And finally: footprints probably not the abominable snowman’s

Reading the news so you don’t have to…