The news in brief 8th August 2015

The news in brief:

Post somewhat delayed

People care more about new football season than typhoon victims

Calais still a bit Children-of-Men-ish

Bullet-proof bra saves woman

Sharks will kill us all!

Presidential candidate continues his mission to offend everyone

England inexplicably wins the ashes

Stop the press: rain ruins a family holiday

Economy still a bit shit

Politicians can’t agree what’s good for the nation     

Pro tip: stop telling woman what to do with their bodies

Weather entirely seasonal

Product placement still isn’t news

Study states the obvious: coughs and sneezes spread diseases

People fucking hate cold callers

Humans choose compassion over revenge

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Government accused of some pretty shady shit

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Nudes in brief: random women in bikinis (how else can you tell it’s hot out?)

And finally: supermarket hero saves baby girl

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 6th August 2015

The news in brief:

Human race commemorates 70 years since it became genuinely terrifying

Doctor states the obvious

Newspaper exploits woman’s death

Pro tip: misdirection isn’t news

Conman better at being a thieving cunt than you

Oi, fatty - put down the fork

General public are terrible people

Website overcomplicates already complicated issue…

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

The news in brief has no concept of ‘too much fried chicken’

Scaremongering infographic

Controversy: surely Simba’s dad is the most famous dead lion?

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Big business has been a very naughty boy (allegedly)

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch in trouble again

Skynet helps fastfood restaurants sidestep the whole minimum wage issue

Apparently feminists aren’t putting out enough

Think-tank wants to legalise prostitution

Robowhores will save us all!

Half the UK’s home insurance is about to sky rocket

BBC taking flak for saving money?!

Annual Bake Off scandal starts early this year

Nudes in brief: Ellie Goulding

And finally: Kindness can take many forms. Even a blender

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 5th August 2015

The news in brief:

As a felt pig and frog devalue the sanctity of marriage, we asked the Summary Squirrel to give his thoughts on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational conscious uncoupling:   

The news in brief 4th August 2015

The news in brief:

Internet surprisingly comfortable with mob justice

Pro tip: two wrongs don’t make a right

Great British public sounding uncomfortably right wing

Traffic jam is totally Despicable

Selfish bint can fuck right of

Weird cult probably a scam

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

University dorms ‘a bit shit’

Human race one step closer to working replicators

Sinkhole eats New York

Sherriff a touch heavy-handed

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

New aeroplane is gonna be hella fast

Relax fellow technophiles – the Internet’s good for you today

Forget the mountain lion – terrified hiker looks just like Seth MacFarlane

Oh my. Was anyone from the seventies not a peodophile?

Dubious moral high-ground  

Mad suggestion that you should be paid for the work you do

Rare victory for common sense

Great news everyone: masturbation is good for you. High five! (but not with that hand!)

Days after reputable sources debunk the ‘Coke Cola infographic,’ newspaper wheels out the ‘Diet Coke infographic…’

Nudes in brief: Kim Kardashian

And finally: Turkish newlyweds show the world how to person

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

  

The news in brief 3rd August 2015

Better late than never, it’s

The news in brief celebrity special:

Couple ties the knot

Newspaper not overly sure how churches work

Mourners say ta-ra chuck

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch knows no limits

Businessman regrets his diabolical creation

Woman wears dress

Man conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty (for a change)

Pregnant woman looks a bit pregnant

Woman caught wearing gym clothes

Paparazzi intrudes on much needed private time

Stop the press: man goes for a jog  

Wild speculation

Countdown letters out to get Riley

Paparazzi intrudes on intimate moment

Pro tip: if you have to use a zoom lens to see it, that affection is neither public, nor a display  

Woman has legs

Woman updates social media

Woman wears wig

Breaking news: woman goes outside

Pictures of people’s kids again? It’s still motherfucking weird.

Scandal: family goes on holiday together

Nudes in brief: Bethenny Frankel

And finally: Miley Cyrus is wearing clothes 

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 2nd August 2015

The news in brief:

After a gruelling 24 hours watching the mainstream media try to figure out if a lion was dead or not, a psychic has come forward claiming to have been contacted by the ghost of Cecil the Lion who has given a depressingly cryptic account of his own untimely demise.
This is of course, horseshit. If you were a genuine psychic you’d scare up the lottery numbers, or ask Colonel Sanders for his secret recipe or maybe settle that whole Madeline Mccann thing once and for all. But no, it seems her powers are specifically attuned to low hanging fruit.   
So, never one to miss a trick, The news in brief, asked its resident psychic to contact the other side and see what he could scare up… 

Breaking news

Breaking news: Lion looks after dead brother's cubs

Breaking news: Lion also killed by poachers

Breaking news: Lion may or may not be dead after all

Breaking news: Lion not dead. Turns out it was a lion no-one gives a shit about...