The news in brief 16th January 2015 (sorry it's a day late)

The news in brief:

Big business marginally less shit

Total eclipse of the wang

Van driver is an unbelievable cunt

Musicals: 1, Homophobia: 0

Remember kids: all men are monsters and all woman are victims...

Defective long term memory or stunning hypocrisy - you decide

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Mad suggestion that we should all just get along

Pope suggests being a dick, just to be a dick, makes you a dick

These may not have been his exact words - the editor

Entirely typical weather forecast

US to decide if gays are people in all 50 states 

Exploding boobies!

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Study states the obvious: dancing is good for you (because dancing is a form of exercise you see...)

Ghetto builds itself

Channel Tunnel refreshingly not terrorism 

Stop the press: junk food is bad for you

Newspaper proudly publishes just one side of the story 

Internet complainer set the bar pretty high for this year's 'Cunt of the Year.'

Whistle-blower surprises no-one 

Medieval morality ruins another life 

Common sense: 0, Health and fucking safety: 1  

Nudes in brief:  Kristin Cavallari

And finally: woman should really fire her travel agent... 

Reading the news so you don't have to... 


 

The news in brief 15th January 2015

A blog post from the archives

The news in brief 1st October 2013:

Nothing compares 2 Unsolicited advice

Fry ups cause babies

The Internet is full of porn and pictures of kittens

Diana Watch, day 25: still 'dead'

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

UK forgets about Syria, fracking and badger culls as lottery price doubles

Students are mucky pups

Newspaper says sorry

US government still closed, please leave any packages with Canada...

Driver overreacts to fairly minor event

Supermarket in bother for keeping security room locked

Pound shop sells useless tat

Sleep is bad for you

Family tragedy is apparently news now

Public outraged by sound medical advice

Woman wears dress

Family breakup is apparently our business now

Newspaper slams very talented singer for her clothes

Actors act in film  

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 14th January 2015

The news in brief:

London landmark terrifying locals

Irony apparantly a hard concept

Soup will save us all

Political correctness gone mad

Pepper Pig's days are numbered

Mad suggestion that we should all stop over-simplifying massively complicated issue

Suspect statistics are suspect

Political party gunning for coverted 'cunt of the year' title

Fictional character runs for public office

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Medieval morality continues to treat women like shit

CCTV captures definitive proof that not everybody sucks

Nothing solves a problem quite like a big-ass fucking wall

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Light dusting of snow grinds UK's infrastructure to a halt

Government super-keen to read your emails

Pro tip: stop going to fucking A&E for non-urgent shit

Space is really fucking dangerous

Study suggests we should all just buy a new car...

Study states the obvious: exercise is good for you

Media demonises benefits claimants

Nudes in brief: Miley Cyrus

And finally: white Christian extremists are also gigantic bellends

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 13th January 2015

The news in brief:

Pro tip: you can be right without being a dick

No free food for ugly people

U.S. still bitter about that whole ownership thing...

Breaking news: not everyone in London is a prick

Man's humanity to koalas is a welcome change of pace

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Internet loses its shit over movie trailer 

PM not keen on winning next election

Schools a bit shit

Economy's a bit shit

Trains are a bit shit

Prison service a bit shit

Supermarket a bit shit

Buses a bit shit

Gas prices coming down, so that's something...

Cleavage is not news

New beer is totally balls

Couple makes the mad suggestion that they should have the same rights everywhere in the UK

More winter-y weather forecast this winter

Undercrackers bad for men's knackers

Government wants to read your email

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Nudes in brief: that's weird, everyone is suspiciously clad today... unless nipples dresses count?

That's right, nipple dresses are a thing now

And finally: The news in brief apologises unreservedly to the people of Donna Summerland

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 12th January 2015

Fox News seems to be labouring under the hilariously false belief that the city of Birmingham is an Islamic State where police fear to tread and wandering death gangs enforce Sharia Law. Scaremongering bullshit. To help Fox better understand the people of Birmingham The news in brief has thrown together the following report:

The news in brief Birmingham special:

English is a second language in Birmingham.  More people actually speak Duck.

In Birmingham they hate the Queen so much they call the side of the coin with her face on 'tails'

Emmerdale was outlawed in 2001. Re-runs of episodes still called 'Emmerdale Farm' are permitted

Under Birmingham law, the full English Breakfast is know as 'Satan's Breakfast.'

Scones are permitted but only with Jam or Clotted Cream. To have both is to court death

Their national anthem is the Countdown theme music.

By law you must use pritt stick or self adhesive envelopes. Licking an envelope is concidered taboo

It is legal to eat horse, but only on a Tuesday. 

They have a 100% efficient public transport system.  It is illegal to use it.

Gay marriage is legal, but only if there's been a recent straight divorce.  They operate a strict one-in-one-out policy

Badgers are mandatory

At Christmas they celebrate the day Flash defeated Ming and united the moons of Mongo. Their nativity plays are awesome!

Using a 26 hour day and 8 day week the people of Birmingham live longer, more fulfilling lives

And finally: Birmingham was founded in 1992 by the French-Canadian philosopher Jean-Paul Birmingham. Before that it was known as 'Donna Summerland'

Making up the news so Fox doesn't have to...

The news in brief 11th January 2015

Whilst Western Europe still wanders around in a state of shock after the brutal terror attacks in our own back yard, it's reassuring to know that the paparazzi are still taking pictures of famous people's kids and calling it news...

The news in brief celebrity special:

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Woman dresses appropriately for the weather

Woman updates social media

Woman wears dress

Woman doesn't wear dress

Actress has the audacity to not look happy all the time

Couple spends time together

Soap character is going to do some hell-ass dramatic shit

Photographer catches family spending time together! 

Singer adjust her make-up

Side boob is apparently news now

Stop the press: actress wears hair extensions

Model models

Paparazzi intrudes on girls' night out
Wild speculation about ex-couple's love-life

Breaking news: Actress has life outside of work

Another celebrity is caught up in the great 'not wearing make-up' scandal

Pregnant woman looks a bit pregnant

Man has dinner - on his own!

Nudes in brief: Myleene Klass

Diana Watch 2015: headline withholds pertinent information

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 9th January 2015

The news in brief:

The news is still dominated by the cowardly, callous, barbaric murders in France and the further losses of life today - and there's nothing funny about any of this.

Suffices to say that man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Reading the news so you don't have to...