The news in brief 8th May 2014

The news in brief:
 
Fiiiiiiight!

Child likes to play dress up - church group surprises no one

Straight couples continue to destroys the sanctity of marriage

Study suggests you don’t need to shower every day

Ships do fairly unremarkable ship stuff

Scaremongering headlines

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Statistics suggest we're all pretty fucking bigoted

People object to stealth religion in foods

It’s not all bad news - miracle recovery

Man learns it is not okay to be a cunt on the Internet

Outrage: MP claims for legitimate business expense

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Labelling five-year-olds is probably a Bad Idea

300 missing girls NOW still less relevant than 1 missing girl 7 years ago

Judge has last laugh

Customers are not always right (sometimes they are dirty, blackmailing thieves)

Man likes chicken a bit too much

Science is totally fucking wicked

Ignorance apparently an excuse now?!

U.F.O probably not aliens

Firenado!!!!

Blurry footage probably not time travelling space-man

Nudes in brief: Harry Styles

Diana Watch 2014: still ‘dead’

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The news in brief 7th May 2014

The news in brief:

Vicars can be sexy too

Terrifying testicle-eating fish

Scientists have finally seen Jurassic Park

Study states the obvious: sitting down all day is bad for you

Man is pretty vapid

Newspaper clearly found pile of old Dinosaurs magazines

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Research suggests we aren't wild animals anymore

Accidental vasectomy

Hypocritical double standards

Stealth religion hiding in your pizza

Family has babies

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Realistic body deemed not attractive enough

Man’s wallet is too small for all his fifties and his diamond shoes are too tight

Science is fucking awesome

Cartoon supervillain back behind bars

Newspaper confuses product placement for news

Fashion, celebrities, odd houses and product placement seemingly more important than 250 abducted girls and what we’re doing about it…

Odd house is pretty odd

Study states the fucking obvious: being lazy bastards leads to fat kids

One giant jellyfish apparently constitutes an invasion

Nudes in brief: Miley Cyrus

Diana Watch 2014: still pretty dead

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The news in brief 5th and 6th May 2014

The news in brief

The frog that would not die!

80’S TECHNOLOGY: SUPERIOR. MODERN TECHNOLOGY: INFERIOR

Celebrity sideboob is NOT news

Misleading headline

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Many girls abducted this month in Nigeria seemingly not as important as the one girl abducted 7 years ago…

No-one really cares about Eurovision

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

The news in brief team a bit confused by the biology of this one?!

Couple pretty fucked up

Outrage as man puts his health first

Nudes in brief: Naya Rivera

Medieval morality: 1, human decency: 0

Prince frugal with public money

Loose change will kill us all

Man is a total scumbag

Study states the obvious: children learn behaviour from their parents

Bureaucracy: 1, common sense: 0

Insane speculation!  

Electric cars will kill us all

All hail the Octogoat!  

Shock: babies don’t need half the shit we buy them

Video sort of misses the point

Diana Watch 2014: still kinda dead

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The news in brief 4th May 2014

The news in brief celebrity special: 

Fashion designer doesn’t quite understand ‘free market’

Woman is physically fit

Paparazzi intrude on romantic day out

Pregnant woman dresses for the weather

Woman wears sunglasses

Woman updates social media

Actress’s sex life is none of our business

Friends eat food

Shocker: family spends time together

Photographer catches celebrities doing mundane everyday act

Outrageous: grandad spends time with grandchild

Woman wears hat

Newspaper doesn’t much care for woman’s clothes

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman wears appropriate clothes

Woman wears bikini

Woman wears dress

New mother takes baby for a walk

Woman wears dress

Photographer catches actor walking OUTSIDE

Musician’s mystery partner is none of our business

No shit: pregnant woman’s body has changed shape

Celebrity has the audacity to go outside without make up

Diana Watch 2014: still dead

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The news in brief 3rd May 2014

The news in brief extra:

Sometimes, just sometimes, the actual news is insane enough, that The news in brief team don't need to do anything to make it ridiculous:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2618898/Mother-five-told-illegal-gay-marriage-birth-certificate-error-recorded-BOY-UK-law-means-CANT-changed.html

Bureaucracy: 1, Common Sense: 0

The news in brief 2nd May 2014

The news in brief: 

Attention-seeking hyperbitch kinda has a point

Woman updates social media

Animals are pretty fucking horrific

Self-righteous adults bully child on the Internet

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Study states the obvious: teaching kids responsibility is a Good Idea

Shock: inflation makes things more expensive

Nudes in brief: Miley Cyrus

Man finds some really old shit

North Korea possibly on fire

Barbaric medieval justice: 1, human decency: 0

This weekend will be warmest of May so far

Aliens might not be like us

Science is fucking awesome

Shit waxworks

Grown man and woman assaults child over football match

PM engages in a bit of name calling

Scientist has seen the Terminator

Criminals pretty fucking stupid    

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Bureaucracy: 1, Common sense: 0

 Outrage: Nazis may have taken part in WWII

Diana Watch 2014: ‘still’ ‘dead’

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The news in brief 1st May 2014

The news in brief:

The news in brief would like to take this opportunity to say to the mainstream media that just because your wild, unfounded, callous, insensitive speculation turned out to be highly likely (which is not the same as definitely right), it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t wild, unfounded, callous, insensitive speculation.

Apparently assaulting someone is okay if you disagree with their politics

Remember: offensive language is okay in popular music, but not in an outtake never intended for broadcast

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Science is fucking awesome

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

No shit: cutting legal aid is a Very Bad Idea

Pair of nobodies hump on the beach

Bureaucracy: 1 Common sense: 0     

Human being cries at her brother’s funeral

Newspaper thinks it appropriate to plaster picture of grieving woman on website

Intolerant, bigoted mega-bitches charged  

Study states the obvious: cigarettes are bad for you  

Nudes in brief: Orlando Bloom

Sonar blip probably not mythical lake monster

Parental responsible not forthcoming  

Shock: hitting children is wrong  

Diana Watch 2014: highly likely she’s still dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…