The news in brief 22nd July 2016

Today's news in brief:

Seriously, you goddamned motherfucking wankpuffins, stop ruining our Friday nights and stop fucking killing each other.

Reading the news because you won't want to...

The news in brief 21st July 2016

Today's news in brief:

What's a guy gotta do to not get shot these days?

Police brutality

Manspreading legitimately news now

God probably not offended by Pokémon

Trees will kill us all

It's still fucking hot out

Economy still pretty goosed

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Cats inhumanity to cats continues apace

Terrible kickstarter is terrible

Scientists totally nail the Frankenorgan

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Government surprises no-one

Road safety ogre has a message for mankind

Jousting is totally a sport

Racists ruin everyfuckingthing

The lollipops were meant for everyone...

Diana Watch 2016: royal pictures used to distract us from actual news

Nudes in brief: Lily Donaldson

And finally: Brits are all very cross

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The news in brief 20th July 2016

This week's news in beef:

The news in brief 19th July 2016

Today's news in brief:

First a wannabe axe murderer wounds a bunch of people on a train in Germany, then a fatal shooting in Lincolnshire and now a young family stabbed up in France?! What the actual fuck is going on, Europe?

Nothing like a coup to justify a clampdown...

Brexit thing still pissing people off

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Power to indiscriminately kill millions higher priority than NHS

Pictures of half-naked teenaged girls universally used to illustrate ‘god it's fucking hot’ stories

God it's fucking hot

Internet still obsessed with new mobile app

Economy marginally less shit

Speech a little bit similar

Trains ‘totally shit’

Politician ‘quite a bit racist ‘

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Photograph sure has a lot of white people…

People act like pricks on the Internet

Wasps are clearly evil masterminds

Backwards belief system treats women like crap

Stars in their bras: Miranda Kerr

And finally: Woman has a very hairy pussy (cat)

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The news in brief 18th July 2016

It's still pretty grim out there. Thanks shitting crikey for this week's celebrity news in brief:

Breaking news: women have bodies

Twitter spat gets out of hand

Pregnant women looks a bit pregnant

Cleavage is not news

Woman updates social media

Wild speculation

This just in: what woman chooses to do with her vagina is actually none of our business

Woman wears dress

Paparazzi intrudes on private moment

Parent caught parenting

Woman caught exercising

Woman wears hat

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Women has the audacity to go outside

Woman goes outside. Newspaper judges her tits.

Sideboob

Photographers continue to stalk minor

Nudes in brief: Hailey Baldwin

And finally: Thandie Newton has her boobs out for all the right reasons.

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The news in brief 17th July 2016

Today's news in brief:

Two Fridays in a row now we've not felt right making jokes about the news because literally there has been nothing but horror. We have a truck being driven into crowds of families celebrating.  We have a military coup-d’etat in Turkey which has left two hundred people dead. And just when you think it's settled down and we can start pointing out that cleavage isn't news or start comparing Google’s latest innovation to Skynet, cops are being gunned down and a little boy is being held hostage. Sometimes a glib ‘man’s inhumanity to man’ or ‘religion's bodycount continues to mount’ doesn't quite do it justice.

But seriously guys, it's not that hard: stop fucking killing each other you goddamned motherfucking arsewombles.

Please.

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The news in brief 14th July 2016

Today’s pokénews in brief:

Internet still obsessed with new mobile app, almost to the exclusion of all other content

Nintendo not actually responsible for sex offenders

Nintendo not actually responsible for body dumps

Child’s game inexplicably more popular than porn

Nintendo not actually responsible for dangerous driving

Nintendo not actually responsible for muggings

Christians try to take advantage of Pokémon Go  

Nintendo not actually responsible for insensitive bastards disrespecting memorials  

Wild speculation about how Pokémon Go can be manipulated by paedophiles

Nintendo not actually responsible for cliffs, gravity or human stupidity

Unfounded fearmongering about how Pokémon Go can be manipulated by ISIS

Nintendo helps people with mental health issues feel better

Birmingham plans to ban Pokémon Go

Study states the obvious: people really like this Pokémon thing

Nudes in brief: Pokémon dicks pics   

And finally: something about a new government

Gotta read ‘em all so you don’t have to....

The news in brief 13th July 2016

This is an open letter from The news in brief to the outgoing Prime Minister:

Dear Mr Cameron,

We're not suggesting that you should cut a fart on your way out of 10 Downing Street today, but you should totally cut a fart on your way out of 10 Downing Street today.

Regards

The Summary Squirrel

The news in brief 12th July 2016

Today's news in brief:

Internet still obsessed with new mobile app

Human stupidity not actually Nintendo’s fault

Man probably just enjoys humming

Woman gets new job

People really care about cat

Economy set to get even shitter

Take-away owner clearly harder than you

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Eagle doesn't give two shits

Pilot totally fucking great at flying

Soldier ready to take on ISIS (and Team Rocket)

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Humans treat polar bear like shit

Cloud totally looks like a dick

Mediaeval mindset treats women like shit

Asshole mother forgets how to person

Judgement cunts determined to ruin everything

Study states the obvious: cigarettes are bad for you

Stars in their bras: Dakota Johnson

20 dead in a head-on train collision.  No and finally today, just our thoughts for those affected.  

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The news in brief 11th July 2016

Today's news in brief:

Internet obsessed with new mobile app

Dead body doesn't feature in original pokédex

Actor wants to have cake and eat it

Even the lamest mule can't lose a one-horse race

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Portugal better at football than expected

Jam, Jerusalem and Organised Crime

Economy still pretty shit

Breaking news: 1986 was thirty years ago

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Man needs new job

Idiots spoil it for everyone else

Product placement is not news

Scaremongering bullshit

Indistinct blur probably not a ghost

Face-swaps are NOT news

Study states the obvious: it's shit living near a main road

Stars in their bras: Jessica Simpson

And finally: man A-Teams the world into a slightly better place

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The news in brief 10th July 2016

Sorry we skipped a day, but there's not a lot of yucks you can get out of police brutality, hate-crime, a sniper and bomb robots. Let's end the weeks with this weeks…

Celebrity news in brief:

Man pretty fucking good at tennis

Woman pretty fucking good at tennis too but quickly overshadowed by man being pretty good at tennis

Couple has dinner

Woman wears dress

Hair band inexplicably newsworthy

Breaking news: man quite fond of his child

Woman wears bikini

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Pro tip: It wasn't a public display of affection until you took a photo with a long lens and put it on the Internet

Woman updates social media

Woman wears jewellery

Woman has backside

Woman has breasts

Woman wears scarf

Nudes in brief: Alicia Douvall

And finally: rich guy buys another rich guy a really expensive present

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The news in brief 7th July 2016

Today's news in brief:

Politician has spectacularly bad day

Amazing woman destroys asshole employer

Boss doesn't know how the Internet works

Nation’s collective shame makes a great distraction

France happy to help out nervous bankers

Skynet just wants to be loved

Athlete gets what's coming to him

England goes back to quietly ignoring Wales

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Pro tip: positive discrimination is still discrimination

Internet populated entirely by insensitive bastards

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Man looked pretty unarmed to us

Trump turns to Arendelle for support

Asshole abuses Emergency Services

Mediaeval morality still treats women like shit

Canadians apparently fucking hardcore. Bear unavailable for comment

Nudes in brief: Chloe Goodman

And finally: scary dictatorship declares war

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The news in brief 6th July 2016

Today's news in beef:

The news in brief 5th July 2016

Today's news in brief:

Mindless hate engines basically interchangeable

Newspaper not at all unbiased

Hypocrisy HO!

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Politician steals lines from Captain America

Jobsworth goes a little overboard

Tragic death somehow all about you-know-who

Conservatives fight over the Matrix of Leadership

Happy birthday bikinis!

Skynet knows when you're talking shit

Playground probably not haunted

Pasta (currently) good for you

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Laws not actually retroactive

Jockey has a pretty shitty day

Hedgehog officer sounds like a pretty sweet gig

Hate group didn't do its research

Housing market remains ‘pretty shit’

Study states the obvious: too much food is bad for you

Stars in their bras: Katherine Heigl

And finally: professional cuddler sounds like an ideal job

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The news in brief 4th July 2016

Today's news in brief:

Seems like every time The news in brief takes a break, we come back to find the world has gone to hell again. Suffices to say that religion’s bodycount continues to mount.

Terrible human being forgets how to person

People still banging on about this Brexit thing

Men quit his jobs

Last man standing apparently not strong enough

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Fucking on the telly still not a good idea

2016 strikes again

Politician full of shit

Journalist tells politician that he's full of shit

Cleavage is actually news (for once)

More goddamned optical illusions

Space is totally fucking amazing

Shop's social media team drops the mic

Telescope is pretty fucking big

Diana Watch 2016: newspaper still making money off her memory. Still dead.

Study states the obvious: wasting less food reduces food costs

Stars in their bras: Ruby Rose

And finally: America celebrates Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum day…

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The news in brief 26th June 2016

Hey guys, I know we’ve covered this before, but part of democracy and freedom of speech is listening to and accepting ideas that you might not always agree with: Defending tooth and nail the right for some asshole to claim that shredless marmalade is better, when everyone with at least half a brain cell knows that shreds is where it’s at.  So, Remainers, if you could stop calling everyone who voted to leave the EU a tiny-minded bigoted xenophobe (unless they’re being one, then they were probably a dick long before there was a referendum) and Exiters, if you could give the Remainers a few days to mope, moan and take stock before you tell them to suck it up and stop whining, that’d be swell.

To help smooth over the cracks in our temporarily divided little island home, here’s this weeks celebrity news in brief:

Couple caught spending time together

Paparazzi intrudes on obviously private moment

Wild speculation

Family outing is not news

Woman’s cleavage is her own goddamned business

Woman wears bikini

Photographers capture woman doing shit all of interest

Breaking news: woman has bottom

Teenage nipples are not news

Photographing someone’s kid is still pretty fucking weird

Newspaper approves of woman’s appearance

Woman dresses appropriately for the weather

Stop the press:  woman has legs

Woman caught using telephone

Woman fails to conform to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Singer sings

Person with lots of money buys nice house

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Nudes in brief: Fergie

And finally: people don’t automatically approve of you using a naked waxwork of them in a music video

Reading the news so you don’t have to...

The news in brief 24th June 2016

Today’s news in brief:

A nation decided

A nation divided

Voter “didn’t realise it was serious”

Dummies spat

Man quits

Politician surprises no-one

Insensitive cunt has suspiciously short memory

Whole island community pretty hacked off

Economy totally fucked

“Thank Christ we used a pen” says exit voters

Article 50 not the same as General Order 66

Scotland demands a recount

David Dimbleby confirmed as unstoppable perpetual motion machine

In other news: religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Insufferable git makes an appearance

Breaking news: woman’s vagina not actually public property

Study states the obvious: Scots seldom walk 500 miles (even fewer walk 500 more)

Nudes in brief: Leah Michelle

And finally: There was no Beadle...

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