The news in brief:
We’re back bitches! 
Look, we spent awhile trying to come up with a funny headline for ‘pensioner guns down pensioner in care home,’ but none of them were in good taste, so we’re going to take the moral high ground and not use any of them, but by the Power of Greyskull, that’s awful 
Entire North East of England says ‘we told you so’ 
Government learns definition of ‘false economy’ 
Nature really hates bridges
Absolute legend Killed by Death 
Sarcastic bellend breaks the Internet 
Brits fucking love cheese 
Man’s inhumanity to man doesn’t give a shit that it’s Christmas 
Skynet’s totally going to steal your job 
BREAKING NEWS: pets breath the same air we do 
Study strongly implies that wanking is amazing 
Religion’s  bodycount continues to mount 
Government SNAFU surprises no-one 
Economy still pretty fucked
Newspaper confuses cyberbullying for news 
God hates hoverboards 
People are offended by fucking everything 
Nudes in brief: nearly Rita Ora 
And finally: child takes bacon for the first time. Angels weep with joy 
Reading the news so you don’t have to…
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