The news in brief 1st January 2015 to 31st December 2015

This year's news in brief:

Birmingham was founded in 1992 by the French-Canadian philosopher Jean-Paul Birmingham. Before that it was known as 'Donna Summerland'

Zombie cat returns from beyond the grave

Roombas have started the robot uprising – Skynet unavailable for comment

Owls make shit bartenders

You know, we’re pretty sure that the IKEA magazine was promoting flat-packed furniture, handy storage solutions and tasty, tasty meatballs, NOT some underhanded homosexual propaganda, but what do we know?

After carefully dismantling and inspecting every component of our washing machine, we couldn’t find a pair of tits, a vagina, a womb, a clitoris or anything that would identify the washing machine as female. There were loads of tubes but not a one of them was fallopian

EU hates gardeners, golfers and old people

Goat sacrifice unsuccessful

Diana Watch 2015: newspaper wheels her out to push another non-story

Apparently all men are rapists and are just waiting for the opportunity to strike

Religion’s bodycount goes for the high score

Invisible security guards?

If the wind so much as blows over a tree down London way, it’s front page news. When hailstones the size of tennis balls smash up cars, windows and conservatories and lightning destroys a house in the North East, the media doesn’t give a flying fuck…

Man’s inhumanity to man continued apace

If you were a genuine psychic you’d scare up the lottery numbers, or ask Colonel Sanders for his secret recipe or maybe settle that whole Madeleine Mccann thing once and for all. But no, it seems her powers are specifically attuned to low hanging fruit.  

Diana Watch 2015: photographs for sale. Still dead.

Bacon will kill us all!

Heterosexuals continue to undermine the sanctity of marriage

Turkey (poultry) pardoned by world leader

Turkey (nation) not pardoned by world leader

Why exactly are photographers stalking a 16-year-old girl?

Nudes in brief: Rita Ora

And finally: Internet fights evil with kitten pictures

Reading the news so you don’t have to...

The news in brief 30th December 2015

The news in brief:

The Summary Squirrel shares his thoughts on the day's top story:

The news in brief 29th December 2015

The news in brief:

We’re back bitches!

Look, we spent awhile trying to come up with a funny headline for ‘pensioner guns down pensioner in care home,’ but none of them were in good taste, so we’re going to take the moral high ground and not use any of them, but by the Power of Greyskull, that’s awful

Entire North East of England says ‘we told you so’

Government learns definition of ‘false economy’

Nature really hates bridges

Absolute legend Killed by Death

Sarcastic bellend breaks the Internet

Brits fucking love cheese

Man’s inhumanity to man doesn’t give a shit that it’s Christmas

Skynet’s totally going to steal your job

BREAKING NEWS: pets breath the same air we do

Study strongly implies that wanking is amazing

Religion’s  bodycount continues to mount

Government SNAFU surprises no-one

Economy still pretty fucked

Newspaper confuses cyberbullying for news

God hates hoverboards

People are offended by fucking everything

Nudes in brief: nearly Rita Ora

And finally: child takes bacon for the first time. Angels weep with joy

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 24th December 2015

Today’s news in brief:

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the press
Not a creature was stirring, nor Kardashian undressed
The paparazzi were camped by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The Squirrel nestled all snug in its bed,
While nightmares of fracking danced in it head.
The editor in her onesie, and I in my pants,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s rant

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see if it was Sepp Blatter
Away to the window I flew like a witch,
Afraid it might be the attention-seeking hyper-bitch

The moon on the breast of the failed flood defences
Gave the lustre of mid-day to historical offences.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than Cameron cutting the spending
And he whistled, and shouted, about the condom challenge trending

"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now Vixen and Prancer,
Before the Daily Mail decides reindeer give you cancer.
To the top of the porch! to the top of the fount!
As religion's bodycount continues to mount!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane race,
Whilst man's inhumanity to man continues apace.
So up to the house-top the reindeer they flew,
With the sleigh full of Apple Products, and St Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and thought it glorious,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came and not Oscar Pistorius.

He was dressed all in red, because fur’s a taboo
And he'd upset PETA, Greenpeace and Anonymous too
With shameless product placement he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a pedler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how cutie!
Though he failed to conform to the media's narrow definition of beauty.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a e-cig he held tight in his teeth,
And the vape it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a round face - there's an obesity crisis!
Does he not know fat people are worse than ISIS?!

He was chubby and jolly, a strange little lump.
And I laughed when I saw him - for it was Donald Trump!
A wink of his eye and without hesitation ,
He started to rant about US immigration

He spoke not a word, as he dished out our portion
And filled all the stockings with guns and pamphlets about anti abortion
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like a coalition missile.
But I heard him exclaim, he sounded elated
"Happy Christmas to all, your house price is inflated!’’

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 23rd December 2015

The news in brief:

Here's the Summary Squirrel with the day's top story

The news in brief 22nd December 2015

The news in brief:

Here's the Summary Squirrel’s thoughts on the Miss World snafu...

The news in brief 21st December 2015

In the spirit of the season it's The news in brief Nativity special:

Bureaucracy: 1, Common sense: 0

Bethlehem pretty fucking crowded

Study states the obvious: more people should have filled out the census online

Iron age public transport terrible

Virgin pregnancy not at all suspicious

Husband ‘totally cool with it’

Motel trade booming

Economy still pretty shit

Religion's bodycount starts to salivate in anticipation

Political leader plans a bit of infanticide

Really bright star spotted in sky

Daily Mail says starlight causes cancer

Three Asians walk a really fucking long way

Wise men rubbish at buying gifts for children

Shepherds wish they'd heard of Twitter

Breaking news: not everyone is an asshole

Housing crisis sees migrants sleeping in cattle sheds

Donkey unhappy at always being portrayed by worst actor

The Guardian, despite not being printed for nearly 2000 years, somehow makes it about Diana

Nudes in brief: Kim Kardashian (probably)

And finally: a baby is born

Reading the news so you don't have to…

The news in brief 11th December 2015

Today’s news in brief:

Hey there news-fans-with-short-attention-spans, The news in brief is taking it's Christmas holidays and you're going to have to fend for yourselves for just a little while. We’re not here next week at all as we sweep out the office and empty the attention-seeking hyper-bitch traps.

The week after that, we're going to be popping crackers and eating mince pies and the Summary Squirrel is going to be running the show (with a The news in brie and any links that strike our fancy) to keep things ticking over until we get back.

We'll be back on the 28th of December,  fatter, poorer and more sarcastic than ever with the same bullshit you've inexplicably been reading for nearly three goddamned years…

In the meantime, here's this week's celebrity special:

Woman wears bikini

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Couple caught interacting

Newspaper eyes up a sixteen year-old…?!

Cleavage is not news

Two dresses are a little bit similar

Woman wears dress

Man conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Side boob is NOT news

Woman updates social media

Wild speculation

Family's breakdown somehow our business

Woman caught going outside

Breaking news: family spends time together

Megastar can afford nice things

Newspaper objectifies woman on the phone

Business man caught doing business

Nudes in brief: Patrick Stewart

And finally: wind affects famous people's hair too...

Reading the news so you don't have to…

The news in brief 9th December 2015

The news in brief 8th December 2015

Today’s news in brief:

Donald Trump (allegedly) believes that parts of London are so radical that the police are afraid to go there.  

We think parts of London are radical too. I mean the Natural History Museum is pretty wicked.

Here's a few more ‘facts' that the 45th President of the United States probably thinks about our fair capital:

There are corgis everywhere

It's actually in Scotland

The ghost of William Shakespeare can be seen most nights wandering aimlessly,  despairing at all the foreign types

Big Ben is just a clever optical illusion

It is all downhill

The river is actually on loan from Wolverhampton

There almost no white people still living above ground

The Queen converted to Islam in 1983

Almost everyone has been murdered at least once

The capital’s first language is ‘Muslamic'

In some rougher areas The Great Fire of London is still burning

No-one dares drink tea anymore

Wombles are the number one killer of god-fearing, gun-owning republicans

Crumpets

Winston Churchill still stands on London’s sandy beaches, single handedly fighting off non-Christians

Thanks to the lack of handguns, there's a home invasion every 4.1 seconds (and that's just the SW1 postcode)

Everyone is dead from Obamacare

Reading the news so you don't have to…

The news in brief 7th December 2015

Today’s news in brief:

Product placement isn’t news (even if it’s jolly festive)

We’re still having some weather

Surprise, surprise it all comes down to oil…

e-readers killed the paperback star

Economy still pretty shit

Country has pretty neat idea (but it probably won’t catch on)

Pro tip: don’t take toy bombs onto planes

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Want to overthrow western democracy? There’s an app for that

Ad campaign kinda misses the point

Shop forgets how to capitalism

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Man’s shed is better than yours

People act like cunts on the Internet

River eats bridge #badflood

Waterfall returns from beyond the grave #goodflood  

Newspaper scrapes the bottom of the barrel for news

Other newspaper reports newspaper scraping the bottom of the barrel for news

Satirical news blog points out other newspaper reporting newspaper scraping the bottom of the barrel for news

Stars in their bras: Selena Gomez

And finally: shopping centre Santa gets it absolutely right

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 5th December 2015

This week's celebrity news in brief:

Game Show results inexplicably news

Wardrobe malfunction

Woman wears dress

Newspaper approves of woman’s clothes

Stop the press: woman not wearing a bra

Woman has legs

Cleavage is not news

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Newspaper doesn’t like woman’s clothes

Pregnant woman looks a bit pregnant

Man wears hat

Celebrity breakup somehow our business

Woman updates social media

Parent caught parenting

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Woman dresses appropriately for the weather

Pro tip assholes: James Corden probably isn’t ‘playing' the doting dad…

Stars in the bras: Paris Hilton

And finally: after approximately 40 weeks of gestation,  pregnant woman gives birth

Reading the news so you don't have to…

The news in brief 4th and 5th December 2015

Friday and Saturday’s news in brief:

Human race still pretty shit

Economy marginally better than it was (in the 1920s)

Government remembers that the North of England exists

We’ve totally had some weather

Army sent to sort out Cumbria (it's about fucking time)

Europe apparently can't learn from history

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Business doesn't give two shits about it's employees

Bigots surprise no-one

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Product placement still NOT news

Beatles still not on Spotify

Collector probably has more money than you

Mad suggestion that politicians should act like grownups

Man really likes whacking it

Pro tip: positive discrimination is still discrimination

Bishop suggests TV not actually evil

Scaremongering speculation

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch swears she'll be back

Hungry enough to eat a horse? Well now you totally can!

Nudes in brief: 80s Madonna

And finally: Lenny Henry and Ainsley Harriott are NOT the same person...

Reading the news so you don't have to…

The news in brief 3rd December 2015

Today’s news in brief:

Oh my. It's truly a terrible world sometimes isn't it? We're not doing The news in brief today. Here’s a picture of a kitten I drew instead:

The news in brief 2nd December 2015

Today’s news in brief:

War, huh? What is it good for?

Stopping ISIS says PM

Indiscriminately killing with no real end in sight says opposition

It suffices to say that man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Bile-foaming hatemonger still oddly popular

Mindless ignorance caught on camera

Environment still pretty boned

Elves probably not a government conspiracy

Winter wonderland surprises no-one

Study states the obvious: healthy diet and exercise good for you

Pop drinkers cry nanny state

Actual science suggests men and women both from Earth

Pro tip: don't fucking drink and drive!

Right to die taken to new extreme

Man really hates his fucking job

Charity does some damned fine shit

People act like pricks on the Internet

Bum bras inexplicably a thing

Just so we’re clear - not wanting to bomb people does NOT make you a ‘terrorist sympathiser ‘

Nudes in brief: Gigi Hadid

And finally: baby ducklings freak out when they first see water

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 1st December 2015

Here's the Summary Squirrel’s thoughts on the upcoming US elections...