The news in brief 30th August 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Breaking news: man spends time with his son

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Newspaper publishes candid photos of someone else’s kids

Stop the press: man has a few drinks at party

Woman caught not wearing make-up

Woman wears dress

Friends go out together

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman updates social media

Married couple go on holiday together

Woman has legs!

The news in brief doesn’t give a shit about Big Brother  

The news in brief doesn’t give a shit about the X Factor

Pro tip: dressing up as a Nazi is pretty uncool

Read all about it: family goes for a walk

Woman wears clothes appropriate for climate

Woman caught wearing comfortable clothes

Man has lunch

Man carries his child’s teddy bear… how is this news?

Cleavage is NOT news

Woman wears hat

Nudes in brief: Chloe Goodman

And finally: we’ve always though that the paparazzi taking random photos of famous people was pretty odd. We’ve always thought take taking photos of famous people’s kids was even odder. But taking a photograph of a celebrity and his mate’s kid… that pretty fucking upside down.

Reading the ‘news’ so you don’t have to…

Tomorrow’s a bank holiday and that means you’re reading your own goddamned news. See you Tuesday!

     

The news in brief extra

The news in brief 27th and 28th August 2015

The news in brief:

Sorry for the lack of post yesterday – the news was still dominated by the senseless killing of two journalists live on TV and there’s nothing funny at all about that. As always, our thoughts and wishes are with the friends and family left behind.

Breaking news: making people worse doesn’t make them better

Rich people can afford better shit

Slow news day? Newspaper plays with Google Maps

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Pro tip: ‘migrant’ and ‘refugee’ do NOT mean the same thing

Economy looks a bit shit

Entirely seasonal weather forecast this weekend

Study states the obvious: people will use their cars to go places this weekend

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Mind that segue!

Newspaper not at all biased

Study states the even more obvious: Goths are more likely to be depressed

Nazi gold story gets even more Indiana Jones-y

Cash in the attic (well, floor actually)

Woman fails to conform to media’s narrow definition of beau… wait, what day it?!

Journalist harass mother for no good reason

Cat pictures?! It really is a slow news day isn’t it?

Learner driver has a pretty fucking bad day

Thing that the Daily Mail say will give you cancer #1567: babies

Nudes in brief: Karrueche Tran

And finally: it has been a proper slow news day today, and if the real journalists aren’t going to put the effort in, then we’re sure as shit aren’t going to bother! See you Sunday!

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 26th August 2015

The news in brief:
 
Sometimes there just aren't any words...

The news in brief 25th August 2015

The news in brief:   

Global economy prepares for an ass-fucking

North and South Korea agree to play nice

Man has bionic cock fitted

Misogyny continues to rear its ugly head

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Black Holes are fucking awesome

Study states the obvious: rice is good for you

Mad suggestion that you can be a good mother and have a job   

Newspaper misremembers story

1 Direction went from 0.8 Direction to 0.0 Direction

Terror suspect was totally just after wallets, honest   

Militants don’t realise that 1984 was an allegory, not an instruction manual

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Space Whiskey!

Woman really likes Cognac

Medieval justice system treats women like shit

Flossing will kill us all!

Brits are foul mouthed fuckers

Cat videos will save us all

Community Support Officer a bit heavy handed

Boat is fucking huge

Big business surprises no-one

Nudes in brief: Cara Delevingne

And finally: indistinct blur probably not a Star Destroyer

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

   

The news in brief 24th August 2015

The news in brief:

Unless you haven’t been paying attention (which you probably haven’t) a popular brand of baby wipes has been causing a bit of hysteria on the Internet. Apparently shards of glass have been found in some packets and whilst it’s probably just clumps of Sodium Methylparaben (which is a food additive and found in blueberries) there’s nothing like an Internet meltdown to get people up in arms.

So, we did some actual investigative journalism (for a change) and this is what we found:

This is a picture of a pair of baby wipes from that same popular brand. Everything seems normal so far:   

But if you look really closely, you can see something shiny:

A set of god-damned house keys! But that's not the worst of it! If you look even closer still, you can just about make out:

A dinner knife!? Imagine wiping your baby's backside with that! But that's not the worst of it. If you look really, really close:

It's the Autobot Matrix of Leadership! Will this outrage never end?! But if you look very, very, very close you can just about make out:

A chicken salad sandwich! What if the babies were vegetarian?! Won't someone think of the babies!

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 21st and 23rd August 2015

The news in brief:

Sorry for the lack of post on Friday. For those of you who know us in real life, I’m suffering from some pretty epic toothache and I’m counting down the seconds until the dentist opens at 8:00am Monday morning. It hurt too much to concentrate and even at my best I’d struggle to find something funny to say about North Korea threatening to annihilate mankind, deadly plane crashes and some arsehole trying to shoot up a train in France…  

We did ask the Summary Squirrel to fill in for me, but he said he was busy and when I last saw him he was reading ‘dentistry for dummies’ and buying a second-hand circular saw on eBay.

Without further ado, here’s this week’s celebrity special:

Woman fails to conform to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Shape-shaming is not news

Newspaper indulges in a little bit of cyberbullying

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Sideboob!

Woman wears bikini

Woman updates social media

Paparazzi intrudes on woman’s day off

Pregnant woman looks a bit pregnant

Couple goes outside together

Breaking news: woman’s shirt doesn’t quite meet her waistband

Woman caught not wearing make-up

Photographer catches parent spending time with child

Woman wears dress

Woman pops to the shops

Stop the press: actress wears comfortable clothes on hot day

Man walks dog

Woman caught wearing gym clothes whilst exercising

Newspaper feels justified in saying mean things about a woman who looks twenty years older than she did twenty years ago…

Nudes in brief: Miranda Kerr

And finally: We love you, Jim. No-one will ever, ever, beat a bit of bully!

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 20th August 2015

The news in brief:

Korea’s going to get us all killed

Attack of the giant spiders

Nazi war gold!  

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch on the defensive

Newspaper makes light-hearted pun about the objectification of women

Harmless fun blown out of all proportion

Newspaper wheels out stock footage of teenage girls opening envelopes  

Religions bodycount continues to mount

Exams are too easy!

Exams are too hard!

Medieval justice system stoops to a whole new low

Fracking will kill is all!

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Breaking news: man may have to serve slightly more than one-fifth of sentence

Another right-wing part rears its ugly head

Sky pool is a world of nope

Themes River not as shit as it used to be

Artist plans most tasteless Punch and Judy show ever…

Since ‘fucking someone other than your spouse’ isn’t relevant to politics, charity or science, we think the news should shut the fuck up

Paranoid scaremongering horseshit

Nudes in brief: Ashley Graham

Diana Watch 2015: newspaper completely misses the irony. (P.S. she’s still dead)

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 19th August 2015

The news in brief: 

 

Like all squirrels, the Summary Squirrel worries about gathering enough nuts for the winter, how to pay for his crippling biscuit addiction and not having his shell cracked open by a hungry blackbird.

Here he is with his thoughts on the week’s most important headlines: 

 

The news in brief 18th August 2015

The news in brief:

Economy still pretty fucking shit

Woman has been doing the same job forever

Politician takes flack for NOT travelling first class?!

Man eats crisps

Newspapers have skewed priorities

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Study states the obvious: healthy diets are healthy

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

UK’s immigration policy has egg all over its face

Magical dinosaur poop excites the Internet

Mars is pretty fucking big

Giant snake’s just looking for a good time

DWP makes shit up

M&S didn’t know that ‘putting the D into…’ meant slamming it. And neither did we

Exercise won’t save you!

Attack of the middle class graffiti  

Pro tip: don’t drink and fly

Google clearly on Skynet’s side

Parrot exercises right to remain silent

House prices getting ridiculous

It looks like humans have been cunts from the very beginning  

Rich people can afford some pretty neat stuff

Nudes in brief: Gigi Hadid

And finally: lest we forget…

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 17th August 2015

The news in brief:

The Queen hasn’t got time for your terrorist bullshit

Thoroughly decent chap wiped out in tragic accident

Plane crash

Missing aeroplane

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Economy looks set to shit itself again

Study suggests less than half of young people are open-minded

Old people not happy that kids don’t adhere to the mores of their generation

Bureaucracy: 1, Human sympathy: 0

DJ not too sure what breasts are for

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Product placement totally isn’t news

Woman learns the importance of spellchecking

North and South Korea engage in epic rap battle

Pro tip: if you’re going to mug someone, don’t send them a selfie after…

Who ever would have guessed that women like porn too?

Study states the obvious: it’s expensive to live in London

Newspaper thinks a vandalised car is more significant than 27 innocent lives snuffed out

Election pledge a bit Mein Kampfish

Seagulls will kill us all!

Health and fucking safety…

Nudes in brief: Lara Lieto

And finally: no and finally today. As ever, our thoughts are with the people of Bangkok…  

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 16th August 2015

The news in brief celebrity:

Woman probably claimed on her insurance

Woman has dinner

Very minor display of appropriate affection

Women wear faintly similar dresses

Singer has the audacity to wear comfortable clothes on a bastard hot day

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Side boob

Paparazzi intrudes of woman’s holiday

Breaking news: woman doesn’t wear make up all the time

Woman photographed leaving work

Actress wears weather-appropriate clothes

News’s obsession with celebrity family continues apace

Woman updates social media

Media’s narrow definition of beauty takes its toll on perfectly healthy woman

Woman goes outside

Scandal: family spends time together

Family eats lunch

Newspaper indulges in some good old-fashioned cyberbullying

Pro tip: shape-shaming is NOT news  

Diana Watch 2015: businessman tried to trump Prince Charles. She’s still dead.

Nudes in brief: Mariah Carey

And finally:  man caught tying his son’s shoes

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 14th August 2014

The news in brief:

Study states the obvious: billionaires have more money than you

Indoctrination of children is no laughing matter

Man’s inhumanity to man has never been so bad

Newspaper overlooks several influential historical figures

Man is a dirty little liar

Earth tries to eat Manchester

Bear killed for being a bear

Pro tip: get off your phone, you’re supposed to be on holiday!

Terrorists are terrible people

The sky’s the limit for the building trade

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Election introduces swimsuit competition

Burglars are heartless cunts

Nerds want to build fictional city

Mega nerds want to destroy fictional city

Movie poster accidently drops the c-bomb

DNA evidence 33 years too late

Aliens probably didn’t save the world

Great news: bread is no longer the enemy

Doll probably not haunted.

Dirty paparazzi bastards clearly don’t read The news in brief

Turns out we had some weather

Nudes in brief: Irina Shayk

And finally: A whale and a turtle find that not all humans are dicks   

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 13th August 2015

The news in brief:

Congratulations new college graduates! Whether you decide to sell your soul early and go out into the world of work, or if you decide to sink all of your money into a near-worthless piece of paper, here's the Summary Squirrel with some helpful words of advice:

The news in brief 12th August 2015

The news in brief:

 

Predicting tomorrow’s results day news

The news in brief 11th August 2015

The news in brief:

News anchor has trouble keeping up with the Kardashians

Breaking news: no-one gives a shit about your rabbit

Medieval superstition claims another life

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Business’s restructure unlikely to affect your life

Internet doesn’t understand how space works

The universe is dying, but only in that technical way everyone over 20 is dying…

Nothing calms down a powder keg quite like armed vigilantes

Politician is full of shit

Pro tip: immigrants and refugees are NOT the same thing

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount  

Looks like we’re going to have some weather

Study states the obvious: fresh eggs are best

Advert offends half the human race

Newspaper makes a pretty sweeping generalisation (men like chocolate too)

Plastic balls will save us all

Ukraine situation still hella scary

Artist grew a what on his what now?!

Hero dog saves the day

Diana Watch 2015: newspaper squeezes a second day out of the same story. Still dead.

Nudes in brief: Kylie Jenner

And finally: two men bravely disarm a hostile situation and save a whole bunch of lives…

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 10th August 2015

The news in brief:

Self-righteous newspaper is a dirty little hypocrite

Concert goes a bit wrong

Mad suggestion that all people are people

Cows make terrible customers  

Economy still pretty shit

Kung Fu toddler cheers up the Internet

Hunters become the hunted

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount  

Space is fucking awesome

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Newspaper rolls out fluff piece from 1994

Product placement still not news

Pro tip: shooting unarmed kids is not okay

Flat pack attack

Study states the obvious: sleep is good for you

Free washing machine with every indoctrination!

Hippos are terrible people

Bad news: bacon is bad for you

Newspaper misrepresents how refunds work

Indistinct smear probably not a Martian ghost

Out-of-focus purple blob probably not aliens  

Nudes in brief: Melanie Sykes

  

Diana Watch 2015: photographs for sale. Still dead.  

And finally: space lettuce is totally a thing now

 

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 9 August 2015

The news in brief:

Woman wears bikini

Paparazzi intrudes on woman’s holiday

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Wild speculation

Man’s alleged extra-marital activities somehow our business

Woman updates social media

Cleavage!

Sideboob!

Thighs!

Photographer catches woman going outside

‘Plays the doting dad?!’ not sure newspaper should be implying it’s an act…

Woman wears dress

Breaking news: woman has legs

The long lens strikes again

Pregnant woman looks a bit pregnant  

Newspaper feels ways about woman’s fashion sense

Woman photographed having a casual walk

Photographers spends day stalking woman…

Will. I. Isn’t any more

WHY IS IT OKAY TO PHOTOGRAPH SOMEONE YOU DON’T KNOW’S CHILD AND PUBLISH IT ONLINE?!

Shakespeare was probably high when he wrote Macbeth

Nudes in brief: Vogue Williams  

And finally: woman pops out to get some ice-cream

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 8th August 2015

The news in brief:

Post somewhat delayed

People care more about new football season than typhoon victims

Calais still a bit Children-of-Men-ish

Bullet-proof bra saves woman

Sharks will kill us all!

Presidential candidate continues his mission to offend everyone

England inexplicably wins the ashes

Stop the press: rain ruins a family holiday

Economy still a bit shit

Politicians can’t agree what’s good for the nation     

Pro tip: stop telling woman what to do with their bodies

Weather entirely seasonal

Product placement still isn’t news

Study states the obvious: coughs and sneezes spread diseases

People fucking hate cold callers

Humans choose compassion over revenge

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Government accused of some pretty shady shit

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Nudes in brief: random women in bikinis (how else can you tell it’s hot out?)

And finally: supermarket hero saves baby girl

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 6th August 2015

The news in brief:

Human race commemorates 70 years since it became genuinely terrifying

Doctor states the obvious

Newspaper exploits woman’s death

Pro tip: misdirection isn’t news

Conman better at being a thieving cunt than you

Oi, fatty - put down the fork

General public are terrible people

Website overcomplicates already complicated issue…

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

The news in brief has no concept of ‘too much fried chicken’

Scaremongering infographic

Controversy: surely Simba’s dad is the most famous dead lion?

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Big business has been a very naughty boy (allegedly)

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch in trouble again

Skynet helps fastfood restaurants sidestep the whole minimum wage issue

Apparently feminists aren’t putting out enough

Think-tank wants to legalise prostitution

Robowhores will save us all!

Half the UK’s home insurance is about to sky rocket

BBC taking flak for saving money?!

Annual Bake Off scandal starts early this year

Nudes in brief: Ellie Goulding

And finally: Kindness can take many forms. Even a blender

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 5th August 2015

The news in brief:

As a felt pig and frog devalue the sanctity of marriage, we asked the Summary Squirrel to give his thoughts on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational conscious uncoupling:   

The news in brief 4th August 2015

The news in brief:

Internet surprisingly comfortable with mob justice

Pro tip: two wrongs don’t make a right

Great British public sounding uncomfortably right wing

Traffic jam is totally Despicable

Selfish bint can fuck right of

Weird cult probably a scam

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

University dorms ‘a bit shit’

Human race one step closer to working replicators

Sinkhole eats New York

Sherriff a touch heavy-handed

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

New aeroplane is gonna be hella fast

Relax fellow technophiles – the Internet’s good for you today

Forget the mountain lion – terrified hiker looks just like Seth MacFarlane

Oh my. Was anyone from the seventies not a peodophile?

Dubious moral high-ground  

Mad suggestion that you should be paid for the work you do

Rare victory for common sense

Great news everyone: masturbation is good for you. High five! (but not with that hand!)

Days after reputable sources debunk the ‘Coke Cola infographic,’ newspaper wheels out the ‘Diet Coke infographic…’

Nudes in brief: Kim Kardashian

And finally: Turkish newlyweds show the world how to person

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

  

The news in brief 3rd August 2015

Better late than never, it’s

The news in brief celebrity special:

Couple ties the knot

Newspaper not overly sure how churches work

Mourners say ta-ra chuck

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch knows no limits

Businessman regrets his diabolical creation

Woman wears dress

Man conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty (for a change)

Pregnant woman looks a bit pregnant

Woman caught wearing gym clothes

Paparazzi intrudes on much needed private time

Stop the press: man goes for a jog  

Wild speculation

Countdown letters out to get Riley

Paparazzi intrudes on intimate moment

Pro tip: if you have to use a zoom lens to see it, that affection is neither public, nor a display  

Woman has legs

Woman updates social media

Woman wears wig

Breaking news: woman goes outside

Pictures of people’s kids again? It’s still motherfucking weird.

Scandal: family goes on holiday together

Nudes in brief: Bethenny Frankel

And finally: Miley Cyrus is wearing clothes 

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 2nd August 2015

The news in brief:

After a gruelling 24 hours watching the mainstream media try to figure out if a lion was dead or not, a psychic has come forward claiming to have been contacted by the ghost of Cecil the Lion who has given a depressingly cryptic account of his own untimely demise.
This is of course, horseshit. If you were a genuine psychic you’d scare up the lottery numbers, or ask Colonel Sanders for his secret recipe or maybe settle that whole Madeline Mccann thing once and for all. But no, it seems her powers are specifically attuned to low hanging fruit.   
So, never one to miss a trick, The news in brief, asked its resident psychic to contact the other side and see what he could scare up… 

Breaking news

Breaking news: Lion looks after dead brother's cubs

Breaking news: Lion also killed by poachers

Breaking news: Lion may or may not be dead after all

Breaking news: Lion not dead. Turns out it was a lion no-one gives a shit about...