The news in brief 30th November 2013

The news in brief Christmas countdown #3:

Norfolk town finally replaces shit Christmas tree

Reading the Christmas news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 29th November 2013

The news in brief:
Attention seeking hyperbitch thinks women can have babies or careers

Attention seeking hyperbitch thinks reasonable adjustments are unreasonable

Small business owner admits breaking employment laws LIVE ON TV! 

Clown epidemic haunts Norfolk

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Police confirm clowns 'not against the law'

Diana Watch 29th November 2013: police want to quiz super secret SAS team - but can't find them  

Correspondents make sweeping  generalisations

BAH HUMBUG! Head teacher bans mentioning Christmas (until December)

Newspaper misrepresents MP's comments

Black Friday shoppers make you ashamed to be human

Badger culling was a bit hit and miss (mostly miss)

Couple buys house

Girls kinda look like their mum

Women's rights campaigners not happy with equality

SHOCK: Sharing maternity with dad means less leave for mums 

Murdering sub-human bastard scum

Teacher suggests good role models are good role models

Drinking shit loads of cola is bad for you

Genuine Ducktales moneybin for sale!

Nudes in brief: Nina Agdal

Sportsman makes inappropriate joke

Miley whores it up again

We're going to have some weather

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 28th November 2013

The news in brief:

After a very trying and emotionally difficult week, I'm taking a night off from The news in brief. Back to normal service tomorrow night. Thank you for you patience.

p.s. Diana's probably still dead...

The news in brief 27th November 2013

The news in brief:

Shame as The news in brief agrees with attention seeking hyperbitch

Attention-seeking hyperbitch mark II thinks she can tell her employees how to spend their money

Outrage as hard up person enjoys a coffee

Business 'helps' economy buy sending jobs overseas

Santa's sleigh breaks down

Scotland is breaking up with us (but it's keeping all our cool stuff)

Diana Watch 27th November 2013: 'still dead'

Skeleton for sale!

Public figure has sense of humour

PM suggests not giving away all our stuff

Thief has a (tiny) conscience

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Nudes in brief: Charlotte Crosby

SNP promises money for nothing (and chicks for free)

Stupidity's bodycount continues to mount

Boredom blamed for expenses scandal

Police might find Madeline by 'working together'

Breaking news: I've been pronouncing Smaug wrong for 20 years

Newspaper exaggerates unconfirmed speculation

UKIP councillor is (allegedly) a bit of a dick

WHALE EXPLODES!

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The news in brief 26th November 2013

The news in brief:

Attention-seeking hyperbitch sets back women's lib by 50 years

Horrendous c*nt confesses to horrendous c*ntery

Celebrity break-up enters wild allegation phase

America gets a bit falklands-y over islands

Crosswords will never be the same again

People would rather tweet than tango

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Stadium looks like a lady's intergalactic rocket socket

Couple canoodle

Wolf killed (no not him from Gladiators)

Girl sells virginity AGAIN

Diana Watch, 26th November 2013: 'still dead'

Jobsworth a bit heavy handed

France is pretty fucking awesome

Women a bit keen to check out

Nudes in brief: some bint from Big Brother

UK business u-turns on suggesting it's staff should speak English

Woman wears jewellery

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 25th November 2013

The news in brief:

Attention-seeking hyperbitch tells victims of bullying to 'man up'

Attention seeking hyperbitch tells women to stop bleating about equality

Banks in bother again

Businesses make money

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Popular character has used up all of his lives

Fist bump totally pwns handshake

The world is full of pricks

Internet goes berserk as cartoon character dies

11,000 children dead in Syria, Internet not really bothered

Diana Watch, 25th November 2013: 'still dead'

Free service complies with it's terms and conditions

Hysterical media jumps to conclusions

Newspaper fails to grasp how democracy works

Country opts to move back to the stone age

MacGyver scores an own goal

Post Office customers are dicks

China gets a bit Falklands-y over islands

The nudes in brief: Mathew Wright

Celesbians is a word now

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The news in brief 24th November 2013

The news in brief celebrity special:

Singer has one job. ONE JOB!

Woman wears boots

Man wears the same outfit TWICE

Couple moves house

Consenting couple might be doing it

Women wears BLACK

Couple to get married

Definition of celebrity apparently includes friends and family

Musician likes her daughter

Woman wears WHITE

Pregnant woman wears loose fitting clothes

Consenting couple might not be doing it

Woman photographed not wearing make up

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Paparazzi intrudes on two family days out!

Celebrity gets some shopping in

Woman goes outside even though its windy

Man wears HAT!

Celebrity goes outside dressed for the weather

Celebrity goes outside not dressed for the weather

Celebrity goes outside not dressed

Celebrity goes outside

Woman fails to live up to media's narrow definition of beauty

Woman has breasts near a horse

Reading this shit so you don't have to...

The news in brief 23rd November 2013:

The news in brief Christmas Countdown special #2:

Cities throughout the United Kingdom turn on their Christmas lights

Cities need to get a grip - it's only November

Going outside so you don't have to...

The news in brief 22nd November 2013

The news in brief:
Internet still freaking out over TV show

News pundit distracted by Google Doodle

30-year-old tastes freedom for the first time

Pair of total bastards arrested

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

JFK still making headlines

People camp out to by celebrity cast-offs

Breaking news: nuts are good for you

Letting anybody run a school might not be a good idea

Business plans to match supply to demand

Perennial strikers fail to connect the dots

Overenthusiastic school doesn't know how sick notes work

Diana Watch: Spies plotted her death

Heavy handed school backtracks over insane policy

Attention seeking hyperbitch suggests feminist is just ugly

Sometimes clowns can be good employers

Nudes in brief: Lucy Mecklenburgh (whoever that is)

Darwin award!

Pupil's hair a bit tall

IMMIGRANT ARMAGEDDON!

Absolute bastard burns down Santa's grotto

Think tank suggests state should do the parenting...

Publication makes regional changes to comply with local laws (even if they are fucking stupid laws)

Shocker: students like a tipple

Columnist smacks down homophobic parents

Footcheese is a thing now

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 21st November 2013

The news in brief:
News pundit completes 31st orbit around the sun

Restaurant apologises for rap music

Competing businesses compete for business

Old couple have been married for a while

Justice should probably be done

Shooting unarmed civilians a Very Bad Thing

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Man enjoyed his job

Parents cry 'Won't somebody think of the children!?' Irony missed

Old comedians want cash

Things are looking up

Internet still excited for TV show

Weather perfectly typical

Cotton wool is not food!

Diana Watch, Cybertronian edition: Offline

Murdering fuckends: lots

Hilariously offensive students are hilariously offensive

Spitting is bad, but not £500 bad...

Clowns can be terrible employers

Nobody buys crap product

Nudes in brief: Lady Gaga

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The news in brief 20th November 2013

The news in brief No-Shit-Sherlock special:

R2-D2 to be in new Star Wars

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The news in brief 19th November 2013

The news in brief:

'Egyptian curse' just buses going past

TV pundits don't know how the Internet works

Google and Microsoft do as they're told

Experts say 'we told you so'

Think tank has an idea. Media goes nuts

Dude probably can tell the time

Snow doesn't cripple the UK

Hit and run driver doesn't know how Twitter works

Or vehicle tax apparently

Tweet biggest regret - so not the hit and run then?

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Performer makes poor judgement call

Cyclists outraged by common sense

'Kim keeps North covered' - still not about Korea

NHS a bit shit

Spain still a bit Falklands-y over Gibraltar

The Daily Mail and Aldi totally need to get a room

English language cries itself to sleep

IMMIGRANT APOCALYPSE!

Crackpot religion unveils time machine

Sci-fi technology for really clingy couples

Journalist hasn't watched Doctor Who

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The news in brief 18th November 2013

Breaking news: 

Bizarre weather phenomenon known as 'winter' to hit UK within the next few weeks

Northern hemisphere to tilt AWAY FROM THE SUN

Snow, wind and rain forecast

Wintery conditions could last until SPRING

The news in brief 17th November 2013

The news in brief Celebrity Special:

Man with disposable income spends money

Business is a bit shit

Man fails to chill out max or relax all cool

Woman wears bikini

Shock: woman has cleavage

Mum tells it like it is

Controversial video is controversial

Performer performs (at performance)

Woman dresses for the weather

Celebrity's ex lives in same (enormous) city 

Paparazzi intrudes on family moment

Couple enjoys museum

Why is this news: Couple argues about children's education

No shit: pregnant woman has baby bump

Famous cheater cheats

Newspaper confuses 'librarian' with 'wears glasses'

Woman dyes hair

Man SMOKES CIGAR!

Apparently nipples are news now

Reading the *ahem* 'news' so you don't have to....

The news in brief 16th November 2013

The news in brief Christmas Countdown special #1: Where has Jesus been spotted this year?

Communion wafer

Plane crash

Clouds

A dog's backside

Car Windscreen

Grilled cheese

Asteroid HEADING TOWARDS EARTH!

Google Earth

Washing up suds

Tree

Airport floor

Church (funnily enough)

Dust sheet

Googling things so you don't have to...

The news in brief 15th November 2013

The news in brief:

Study shows some women are irrational

Internet goes nuts for TV show

Reality TV star pipped to win reality TV show

Breakfast is good for you

Country chills the fuck out

Nudes in brief: Columbia

Criminals abuse technology

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Government to bribe parents

Fact: dogs fossilize

Cardboard cops strike again

Terrorists score own goal

Newspaper exploits personal tragedy

Snow! In Winter!

Men are shit at online dating

Coffee keeps you awake

Commentators don't know how babies work

Panel show pundit doesn't understand the economy

Woman gets some shopping in

Diana Watch, Day 67: Dead

MP calls celeb out on his shit

Man likes video game

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 14th November 2013

The news in brief:

Outrage: business has the heating on whilst employees are still AT WORK

Killer robots are a Bad Thing

Old man draws pension

Hurricane survivors don't need your unwanted shit

Old party frocks and cast-off heels 'useless'

113-year-old dies

Media can't make up its mind about the EU

Obama admits fuck up

'Slut' likes sex

Nudes in brief: Cheryl Cole, Nicola McClean, Gemma Atkinson, Myleene Klass, Kelly Brook, Georgina Griffith, Courtney Stodden, Heidi Klum, Helen Flanagan - Blimey!

Man likes job

Newspaper sensationalises trivial event

Supermarket lambasted for rational action

Crook has awesome name

Diana Watch, Day 66: 'still pretty much dead'

Teacher heavy handed over minute detail

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Divided opinions: Drinking game deemed a bit 'rapey'

Apparently it's still 'a bit rapey' even if everyone consents

Quantum Physics proves space is 'wibbly wobbly' and that time is 'timey wimey'

Woman has no foof

It's bird flu time again!!!

Calender raises awareness for stuff we should already know

Woman talks through film (oh my)

Miley Cyrus dressed

First trailer for remake of disturbing movie, based on disturbing book, is disturbing. No shit.

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 13th November 2013

The news in brief:

Economy slightly less shit

Pantomime character 'obnoxious not old'

Dead spy found padlocked in holdall 'probably an accident'

Dimbleby to ignore pedants

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Nudes in brief: Courtney Stodden (whoever that is), Amy Willerton, Helen Flanagan, Jeff Probst

Pop star parodies music industry

Commentators miss the joke

'Kim holds North close' headline apparently not about Korea
 
Paparazzi intrude on family crisis

Diana Watch, Day 65: fears for her dress-maker in the jungle. (she's still dead though)

News reader abused for having beliefs

Internet commentators miss the point

Tossers: 4

Man goes to sister's graduation

Woman doesn't wear make-up

Man dyes hair!

Pricks start their own gang

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 12th November 2013

The news in brief:

Home Office a bit heavy handed

Tabloid exploits misery to sell papers

Met Office saves the day

Diana Watch, day 64: dog named after Lady Diana. (Lady Diana is still dead)

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

New mums bribed with Poundshop vouchers 

Apparently new mums need knock-off toys, duff batteries, dried up felt tips and twelve packs of lighters

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Shock: consenting adult gets tattoo

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Woman dresses for the weather

IMMIGRANT MENACE!

Stop the press: Law applied fairly

Business makes money

Animal testing uses animals

Hilariously offensive t-shirts hilariously offensive

Horrific pricks: 5

Nudes in brief: David Beckham

Roomba commits suicide

Miley Watch: 40% covered

Woman wears skirt

People attend birthday party

Attention seeking hyperbitch finally silenced

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 11th November 2013

The news in brief:

UK stops to remember the fallen

Village for sale!

Definition of 'celebrity' stretched almost to breaking point

Semi-competent news blog reaches 2000 hits

Christmas adverts brings out hoards of mean-spirited Internet losers

Indian Mars probe goes a bit wrong

Diana Watch, day 63: her dress designer's going in the jungle. She's still dead.

Hundreds of thoroughly decent people attend stranger's funeral

Closing Walk-in Centres is a Bad Idea

Attention seeking harlot goes too far

Evicted 'criminal family from hell' are going to go where and do what now?

Hospitals not psychic

Despicable scumbags: 2

Elephant beats the shit out of hippo

Shock: Steaming vegetables is good for you

Nudes in brief: Selena Gomez,

Santa themed fatalities: 1

Man wins Darwin award

Insaniac nails nadsack to the floor

Singer borrows dress from Thunderbirds

Tidalwave of Romanians will end our way of life (apparently)

Man's wallet is too small for all his fifties (and his diamond shoes are too tight)

Reading the news so you don't have to...

Breaking news

Breaking news: Government makes poor financial decision

The news in brief 10th November 2013

The news in brief celebrity special:

Breaking news: woman fidgets

Woman wears dress

Scandal: close colleagues express affection

Pot calls kettle black

Woman doesn't wear engagement ring

Friends have a favourite restaurant

Newspaper speculates about people's private lives

Paparazzi looks for news where none exists 

Eccentric singer wears crazy clothes

Woman doesn't wear make-up (except when she does)

Actress wears clothes

Model goes out without boyfriend

Mum is a bit clingy

Two celebrities look vaguely like each other

Newspaper promotes narrow definition of beauty

Instagram posts are new now?

Reality TV show a bit staged

Nudes in brief: Helen Flanagan, Myleene Klass, Jessica Jane Clement, Ashley Roberts, Abbey Clancy

Newspaper stretches the definition of the word identical

Women wear similar dresses 

Skimming through this shit so you don't have to...

The news in brief 9th November 2013

The news in brief horoscope special:

Aries: Hard work leads to success

Taurus: Hard work leads to success

Gemini: Hard work leads to success

Cancer: Hard work leads to success

Leo: Relax. Inheritance leads to success

Virgo: Hard work leads to success

Libra: Hard work leads to success

Scorpio: Hard work leads to success

Sagittarius: Hard work leads to success

Capricorn: Chill the fuck out. You work too hard

Aquarius:  Hard work leads to success

Pisces: Hard work leads to success

Pretty sure they just make this shit up as they go along.

Reading the horoscopes so you don't have to....

The news in brief 8th November 2013

The news in brief:

Tabloid buries facts at the bottom of page 2

Innocent holiday snap declared immoral

Teacher sacked for no discernible reason

Police bored of sorting out Facebook squabbles

UK sobs as new Christmas ad yanks at the heartstrings

Media doesn't know its army guys from its navy guys

Doctor Who's still on

Hilarious use of Scrabble pieces

Newspapers roll out last year's Christmas stories

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Diana Watch, day 60: Telegraph finds a way to shoe-horn her into a headline

JFK Watch: 'Still dead'

People are pricks on the Internet

Horrible shits: 2

Ancient Romans invented Facebook

Newspaper indulges in a bit of cyberbullying
(two inches below an article criticising cyberbullies)

Breaking: shop bludgeons our kids with gender stereotypes

Nudes in brief: Kate Moss, Rihanna (again)

THE SPIDER INVASION CONTINUES!

Man takes nap

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 7th November 2013

The news in brief:

Exclusive: Semi-competent news blog takes night off as writer and editor have date night

Shocker: Man and woman who probably shouldn't be eating hamburgers eat hamburgers

Outrage: Newborn baby cooed over by waiting staff

Exposé: Halloumi cheese is delicious

Breaking news: nice time was had by all

Not reading the news, so you have to...

Breaking news

Breaking news: it's starting to look a bit like Christmas...

The news in brief 6th November 2013

The news in brief:

One person abuses item of clothing: BAN IT FOR EVERYONE!

Hilariously offensive costume is hilariously offensive

Rat invasion!

Job Centre a bit heavy handed

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Spider Invasion!

Aircraft carriers are expensive

Old woman doesn't adhere to preconceived stereotype

Kids like toys

Think-tank continues drive to eliminate parenting

Newspaper presents thought-experiment as fact

UK good little Europeans

FEAR!

Horrible c*nts: 3

Nudes in brief: Rihanna, Mollie King, Jennifer Aniston, Chantelle Houghton (again) 

Woman wants market value for her house

Scientists state the obvious

Diana Watch: 'still dead'

Husband puts dumb hobby over wife's safety

Shop uses woman-shaped mannequins

Religious text might not be bullshit after all 

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 5th November 2013

The news in brief: 

Nation has pretty skewed priorities

Halloween costumes beat the shit out of making Guys

Exception portrayed as the norm

Politician makes promises

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Nudes in brief: Sam Faiers, Chantelle Houghton

You can be in Star Wars!

People are shit at passwords

Ofsted suggests removing parents from the equation altogether

Newspaper sensationalises family tragedy

Judge has dumb idea

University dorms home to many students

Sub-human scum: 3

Diana Watch, day 57: forgot to check. Presume dead.

Titular character in show

Man picks baby name

Reading the news so you don't have to....  

The news in brief 4th November 2013

The news in brief:

You-know-who onto prime suspect number 3...

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Newspaper posts misleading headline

Woman respects another culture

Despicable wankers: 4 

Man fucks up own arm. FOR SCIENCE!

Newspaper's love affair with Aldi continues

Diana Watch, day 56: 'Still pretty dead'

Nudes in brief: Sally Gifford Piper, Miranda Kerr 

People too dumb to compare prices

The arachnid invasion continues!

Mutilating young women is a Very Bad Thing

Calender has different picture every month  

Man enjoyed job

Media misses the point of Minority Report

People use Facebook to find people

Newspaper incites racial hatred

Attention seeking hyperbitch strikes again

Reading the news so you don't have to...

Breaking news

Breaking news: paparazzi snaps new mum looking a bit tired

Breaking news

Breaking news: contestant leaves reality TV show

The news in brief 3rd November 2013

The news in brief celebrity special:

Shocker: wife not fond of husband's mistress

Woman can be bitches

Man and woman may or may not be a couple

Unnamed, unverifiable sources gives us their two cents

Two dresses sort-of similar

Singer changes dress

Married couple pop out for a bit

Reality TV star shows off her bum

Reality TV star shows off her knickers

Singer objects to being assaulted

Musician eats hamburger

People like David Tennant

Pregnant woman goes outside

Actress looks a bit different without make-up

Celebrity has popular party item. At a party.

Reality TV star may have exaggerated 'poverty'

Man wants to clear his to-do list

Opinion: Myleene Klass is pretty

Footballer has more money than sense

Latin dancing a bit saucy

Woman wears dress

Woman doesn't wear dress

Celebrity pops to the shops

Wondering how this horse-shit is news, so you don't have to...

Breaking news

Exclusive: Supermarket sells product that is 100% sugar!

The news in brief 2nd November 2013

The news in brief horoscope special:

Aries: Sex and hobbies are good for you.

Libra: You may receive something nice. Or not.

Taurus: Don't be a dick.

Scorpio: Being positive is good for you. Get a job.

Gemini: Do your research before starting a business.

Sagittarius: Your friends like you.

Cancer: Being positive is good for you. You might find love in an antique shop. Or maybe not.

Capricorn: Being positive is good for you. Don't be a dick.

Leo: Being positive is good for you.

Aquarius: Being positive is good for you. Get a job.

Virgo: Being positive is good for you.

Pisces: Being positive is good for you. Don't be a dick.

Perhaps they don't expect someone to read all twelve of them.

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 1st November 2013

The news in brief: 

Education system reverts to dark ages

One bad day could scupper your kids' whole future

Footballer keeps it in the family 

US admits maybe went a bit too far

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Council wastes thousands watching ill woman pop to the shops

Zombies take over Tokyo

Singer gets a bit raunchy

Evil genie attacks factory 

We're going to have some more weather

You-know-who story gets even more soap opera-y

Newspaper incites racial hatred

Model not wearing Halloween costume 

Dull middle aged TV presenter suggests his life is dull and middle aged

Nazi dad goes shopping

Government tactic not racist - just really fucking stupid

Nudes in brief: Miley, Lil' Kim, Sarah Armstrong and Daniel Radcliffe

  

Striking Firemen break strike to be AWESOME HEROES! 

'Go Home' vans hilariously unsuccessful

Diana Watch, day 52: 'oddly quiet but still dead'

Exclusive: graffiti suggests light transit railway has you-know-who

Deplorable Prickfaces: 2

Newspaper obsessed with 'celebrity drinks juice' pictures 

Everyone from the 70's probably a rapist 

Reading the news so you don't have to...