The news in brief 29th and 30th January 2016

Yesterday’s news in brief:

Sorry we totally dropped the ball this week:

Breaking news: royal has life outside of work

Space is fucking huge

Otherwise civilised nation forgets how to person

Study states the obvious: vegetables are good for you

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Shop a bit too keen to fuck up the environment

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Russia / Turkey situation upgraded from ‘a bit hairy’ to ‘pretty hairy’

US / China situation upgraded from ‘slightly worrisome’ to ‘sort of ropey’

Incredibly smart man also incredibly dull

Political hate machine no longer funny

Scaremongering bullshit

Otherwise civilised nation prepares to dole out medieval punishment

Economy still pretty fucked

Bastard fucking poacher bastards

Hero pilot was harder than you'll ever be

Robot cars will kill us all

Nudes in brief: Shanina Shaik

And finally: bunny has wild adventure

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The news in brief 31st January 2016

Today’s news in brief:

My dad used to say ‘if wit were shit, you'd be constipated.’ Well if that were true, then the late great Sir Terry Wogan was the gastroenteritis of the airwaves.

He was the king of banter, back when banter meant informal conversation and not mediocre high street chicken and chips.

He was wise and warm and folksy back when those things were positive traits - before deadpan sarcasm and passive-aggressive sniping became the way to entertain people.

Rest in peace Mr Wogan. Radio 2 will never be the same again.

Now… on with the passive-aggressive sarcasm:

‘Media ban’ apparently a complicated concept

Cleavage is still totally not news

Friends update social media

Woman wears dress

Actual news hiding in the celebrity pages

Paparazzi stalks woman

Stop the press: man has shave

Pregnant woman looks pregnant

Woman doesn't dress for the weather

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Nudes in brief: Rita Ora

And finally: woman caught wearing comfortable clothes

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The news in brief 28th January 2016

Today’s news in brief:

More fucking bomb scares in our fucking schools?!

Mad suggestion that people should be treated like human beings

Rhetoric gets uncomfortably Trumpy

Pro tip: disabled people are people too

Rare victory for common sense

Means testing not actually evil

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

For God's sake, at least have a wash first

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Madman promises to throw his own party

Product placement still not news

Being born in the Millennium not actually a crime

Cats will kill us all

Disneyland terror take down

Economy still pretty shit

Transpecies now totally a thing

New car still needs roads where it's going

Greeks find a whole bunch of fig leaves

French refuse to go one meal without wine

Stars in their bras: Amy Childs

And finally: coffee won't kill us all

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 27th January 2016

Today’s news in brief:

At this point, we're willing to believe that the restless undead spirit of an angry snail (that identified as an angry squirrel) is somehow haunting an old walkabout phone in The news in brief’s office.

The more important question is: why aren't you…?

The news in brief 26th January 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Stupid cunts deserve what's coming to them

Study states the obvious: smart animals are smart

Sweeteners will kill us all!

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Man's inhumanity to dogs continues apace

Man's inhumanity to kittens continues apace

Doomsday Clock has nothing good to say about us

Politician pretty fucking racist

Everyone thinks that they could do a better job

Politician attempts to fudge the figures

Climate change probably our fault

The French may have to start working for a living

Artist not at all subtle

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Supermarket has been very naughty

Study states the even obviouser: sleep is good for you

Pro tip: you don't have to be a bastard to succeed

Igloo probably didn't conforms to rental standards

Common sense met with hysterical outrage

We're pretty sure the Earth isn't flat

We're also pretty sure that there isn't a gigantic, indestructible dome encircling humanity, with the night sky projected on the inner surface to make us think the Earth is round…. Seriously.  

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The news in brief 25th January 2016

Today’s news in brief:

There’s going to be some goddamned weather

Clickbait will kill us all

Pro tip: something can be bad without being Nazi bad…

Science to the rescue!

Alligator was totally there first

Ironic shooting

Social media totally misses the point

Study states the obvious: spontaneity not actually shameful

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Fearmongering bullshit

Quick question: does that make it a Bukkake whale?!

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Trains remain a bit shit

Economy set to implode

Terrifying giant spider

Medieval regime not so good at counting

Apparently ‘professional asshole’ is a legitimate job now

Study states the even obviouser: Teenagers have smelly bedrooms

Nudes in brief: Emily Ratajkowski

And finally: more children who should be at school learning, or running and playing, or reading or colouring in, washed up dead on a beach. No and finally today…

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The news in brief 24th January 2016

This week’s celebrity news in brief:

Hollywood types have new nicknacks to dust

Vegetable peelers will kill us all

Two grown up argue about knickers

Woman conforms to media’s increasingly narrow definition of beauty

Breaking news: man spends time with child

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Newspaper doesn’t give two shits about person’s feelings

Wild speculation

Family eats breakfast

Actor goes outside

Woman wears dress

Man wears hat

Newspaper has feelings about woman’s outfit

Woman doesn’t wear make up

Woman pops to the shops

We still think taking photos of other people kids and putting them online is weird

Pregnant woman totally isn’t showing anything off

Woman wears bikini   

Man conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman updates social media

Nudes in brief: Cara Kilbey

And finally: Phillip Schofield reminds us why he’s The news in brief’s hero…   

Reading the news so you don’t have to…