The news in brief 12th July 2016

Today's news in brief:

Internet still obsessed with new mobile app

Human stupidity not actually Nintendo’s fault

Man probably just enjoys humming

Woman gets new job

People really care about cat

Economy set to get even shitter

Take-away owner clearly harder than you

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Eagle doesn't give two shits

Pilot totally fucking great at flying

Soldier ready to take on ISIS (and Team Rocket)

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Humans treat polar bear like shit

Cloud totally looks like a dick

Mediaeval mindset treats women like shit

Asshole mother forgets how to person

Judgement cunts determined to ruin everything

Study states the obvious: cigarettes are bad for you

Stars in their bras: Dakota Johnson

20 dead in a head-on train collision.  No and finally today, just our thoughts for those affected.  

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The news in brief 11th July 2016

Today's news in brief:

Internet obsessed with new mobile app

Dead body doesn't feature in original pokédex

Actor wants to have cake and eat it

Even the lamest mule can't lose a one-horse race

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Portugal better at football than expected

Jam, Jerusalem and Organised Crime

Economy still pretty shit

Breaking news: 1986 was thirty years ago

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Man needs new job

Idiots spoil it for everyone else

Product placement is not news

Scaremongering bullshit

Indistinct blur probably not a ghost

Face-swaps are NOT news

Study states the obvious: it's shit living near a main road

Stars in their bras: Jessica Simpson

And finally: man A-Teams the world into a slightly better place

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The news in brief 10th July 2016

Sorry we skipped a day, but there's not a lot of yucks you can get out of police brutality, hate-crime, a sniper and bomb robots. Let's end the weeks with this weeks…

Celebrity news in brief:

Man pretty fucking good at tennis

Woman pretty fucking good at tennis too but quickly overshadowed by man being pretty good at tennis

Couple has dinner

Woman wears dress

Hair band inexplicably newsworthy

Breaking news: man quite fond of his child

Woman wears bikini

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Pro tip: It wasn't a public display of affection until you took a photo with a long lens and put it on the Internet

Woman updates social media

Woman wears jewellery

Woman has backside

Woman has breasts

Woman wears scarf

Nudes in brief: Alicia Douvall

And finally: rich guy buys another rich guy a really expensive present

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The news in brief 7th July 2016

Today's news in brief:

Politician has spectacularly bad day

Amazing woman destroys asshole employer

Boss doesn't know how the Internet works

Nation’s collective shame makes a great distraction

France happy to help out nervous bankers

Skynet just wants to be loved

Athlete gets what's coming to him

England goes back to quietly ignoring Wales

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Pro tip: positive discrimination is still discrimination

Internet populated entirely by insensitive bastards

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Man looked pretty unarmed to us

Trump turns to Arendelle for support

Asshole abuses Emergency Services

Mediaeval morality still treats women like shit

Canadians apparently fucking hardcore. Bear unavailable for comment

Nudes in brief: Chloe Goodman

And finally: scary dictatorship declares war

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The news in brief 6th July 2016

Today's news in beef:

The news in brief 5th July 2016

Today's news in brief:

Mindless hate engines basically interchangeable

Newspaper not at all unbiased

Hypocrisy HO!

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Politician steals lines from Captain America

Jobsworth goes a little overboard

Tragic death somehow all about you-know-who

Conservatives fight over the Matrix of Leadership

Happy birthday bikinis!

Skynet knows when you're talking shit

Playground probably not haunted

Pasta (currently) good for you

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Laws not actually retroactive

Jockey has a pretty shitty day

Hedgehog officer sounds like a pretty sweet gig

Hate group didn't do its research

Housing market remains ‘pretty shit’

Study states the obvious: too much food is bad for you

Stars in their bras: Katherine Heigl

And finally: professional cuddler sounds like an ideal job

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The news in brief 4th July 2016

Today's news in brief:

Seems like every time The news in brief takes a break, we come back to find the world has gone to hell again. Suffices to say that religion’s bodycount continues to mount.

Terrible human being forgets how to person

People still banging on about this Brexit thing

Men quit his jobs

Last man standing apparently not strong enough

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Fucking on the telly still not a good idea

2016 strikes again

Politician full of shit

Journalist tells politician that he's full of shit

Cleavage is actually news (for once)

More goddamned optical illusions

Space is totally fucking amazing

Shop's social media team drops the mic

Telescope is pretty fucking big

Diana Watch 2016: newspaper still making money off her memory. Still dead.

Study states the obvious: wasting less food reduces food costs

Stars in their bras: Ruby Rose

And finally: America celebrates Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum day…

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