The news in brief 16th April 2014

The news in brief:

Woman wears dress – world prepares to wear yellow

Baby not that interested in teddy bear

Hippo’s inhumanity to crocodiles continues apace

Grandparent’s priorities a bit skewed

Wild sensationalist speculation

International incident ‘hair raising’

Killer mutant rats

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Total bastard gets what he deserves

Child finds awesome hiding place

Postman finds shit hiding place

Russia situation upgraded to ‘really fucking hairy’    

Big business learns the difference between ‘reply’ and ‘reply all’

Giant space amoeba probably nothing

Abandoned village - free to a good home

Misleading headline

Nudes in brief: Sofia Vergara

Frivolous lawsuit

What now?!

France confirms that dogs are in fact alive

Most ironic story in the history of irony

Health and fucking safety

Newspaper pretty judgemental of those who fail to conform

Diana Watch 2014: ‘still pretty dead’

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 15th April 2014

The news in brief: 

Total eclipse of the heart*

14 year old in a whole heap of shit

Terrorism jokes are NOT funny

Chocolatier a bit heavy handed

Weird really, because the law is quite explicit

10 hour day might a bit much for 4 year olds

Boobs have nothing to do with breast cancer

Russia situation remains ‘fucking hairy’

Study states the obvious: salt is bad for you

MAN ORDERED TO LEARN NETIQUETTE

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Public given what they asked for still not happy

Science is fucking awesome

Exclusive: people are literally never satisfied

Mutant space cherries

Voldermort not a suspect

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

e-cigarettes will kill us all!

World probably not ending

Buffalo’s inhumanity to lions continues apace  

Baby moon!

Giant bird on the loose

Shock: you are responsible for supervising your child on the Internet

Rogue dictator has no sense of humour

Nudes in brief: Sam Faiers

Diana Watch 2014: ‘still’ dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

*moon

The news in brief extra

Step 1: ignore terms and conditions
Step 2: sign contract agreeing to aforementioned terms and conditions
Step 3: use service irresponsibly
Step 4: receive bill
Step 5: mewl to the tabloid media about bill
Step 6: not pay bill
Step 7: wonder why things are more expensive
Step 8: look for a new provider
Step 9: go back to step 1

The news in brief 13th April 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Woman wears dress

Man wears underpants

Man not as attractive as other man

Woman goes outside

Women dresses like a whore

It’s called a Camberwell Carrot

Woman wears dress

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Woman wears dress

Couple appears to like each other

Woman buys car

Woman doesn’t wear dress

Shock: professional athlete goes to the gym

Father spends time with son

Runner runs run

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Family has lunch together

Woman wears dress

Headline reinforces body image stereotypes

86 year-old retires

Woman wears dress

Woman dresses for the weather (how very dare she?!)

Nudes in brief: Jasmine Waltz

So basically, the tabloids are going to keep shouting ‘is she pregnant with baby number two?’ for the next ten years, until she actually has baby number two, then they can claim they called it…  

Diana Watch 2014: still ‘dead’

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

Breaking news

Breaking news: water falls FROM THE SKY!

The news in brief 12th April 2014

The news in brief extra:

Sometimes, just sometimes, the actual news is insane enough, that The news in brief team don't need to do anything to make it ridiculous:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/10759914/Chinese-farmer-wears-almost-half-a-million-bees.html

Enjoy.

The news in brief 11th April 2014

The news in brief:

Just how may bad days can one man have?!

London buses get a bit sci-fi

Husband probably cracked a few out on the sly

Science is fucking awesome

Hilarious URL fail

Baby sloth is pretty cute

Singing priest still inexplicably in the news

People are judgemental pricks

Scotched. Crème. Egg. That is all.

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

‘Ideal woman’ looks like a terrifying nightmare sex doll

Attention-seeking hyperbitch actually says something nice

Apophenia is not news

Russia situation upgraded from ‘pretty hairy’ to ‘hairy’

Dead people tend not to scream

MPs sign up to voluntary code ‘to not be dicks to staff’

Internet bully gets bullied and cries foul play

News is literally 250% more sensational in the tabloids

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Man versus Nature: the march to victory!  

Plane still missing

Little boy has best parents ever!

Viagra ice cream?! [insert ‘Mr Whippy’ or ‘soft serve’ joke here]  

Nudes in brief: Cher

Pro tip: mentioning something in a national newspaper doesn’t count as ‘staying out of it’   

Diana Watch 2014: still dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…