The news in brief 31st October 2014

The news in brief Halloween special:

Brains!

Braaaaaaiiiins!

Brraaiins!!

Brraaa-aaains!

Brains!

Braaaiiiins!

Zombies inhumanity to man continues apace

Brains!

Braiiiiins!

Braiiins!

Study states the obvious: braiiiins!!!

Braaiiins!

Braaiiins!!!

Brains!!

Zombie’s bodycount continues to mount

Braaaaaa-iiiiins!!!  

Brains!

Braaiins!

Braiiii-iiiiins!

BRAINS!!!!!

Nudes in brief: braaaaaa-aiiiiins!

And finally: Priest really doesn’t like Halloween  

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 30th October 2014

The news in brief:

Bear-selfies are a thing now. That is all.

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The news in brief 29th October 2014

The news in brief:

Houston had a problem

Outsourcing is not always a good idea

By that argument, you should be lobbying Disney to make a blind princess and a deaf princess and a diabetic princess and a bipolar princess and a depressed princess and a transgender princess and an amputee princess and a princess with eczema and a princess with heterochromia and a wheat intolerant princess and…

Milk will kill us all!

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

The tragic loss of life almost secondary to the fact it happened near PM’s kid’s school

Politicians act like pricks

Stop the press: culture is not just about theatre, ballet and shit

Skate park is totally rad

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

News reader takes shit for making a pretty valid point (the exact same point she made last year too…)

Is it too much to ask for two groups to just live in fucking peace?

Pro tip: when preparing to do an armed robbery – don’t do it in front of a CCTV camera

ITV confirms dog named after Greek goddess, not terrorist group

Supermarket has been very naughty (maybe)

Ironically, the biggest scaremongering shit-rag of them all runs article about how public’s perception of jobs, teenage pregnancy and immigration are a lot worse than they really are…

Headteacher forgets how to person

Economy a bit less shit

Seriously people: breastfeeding is neither offensive nor shocking

Nudes in briefs: Tulisa Contostavlos

And finally:  fish takes down cat

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 28th October 2014

The news in brief:

Clowns

Scary clowns

Evil scary clowns

Evil scary fucked-up clowns

Evil scary fucked-up clowns terrorise country

Evil scary fucked-up French clowns terrorise country...

Fraudster is a gigantic cunt

Shock horror: region with lower socioeconomic status has worse diet than region with higher socioeconomic status

But hey, why do any journalism when fat-shaming sells papers?!

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Cadbury's breaks the hearts of children everywhere

Road trip sounds a lot like prostitution to me

Stop the press: man nearly bumps into another man whilst jogging

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

World leader criticised for making a pretty valid point

Supermarket learns to choose fonts more carefully

Minge pies are not a thing

Study states the obvious: global house prices vary

Biscuit does look a bit like cock and balls

Pro tip: wild animals can be dangerous

Pope suggests killing people is a Very Bad Thing

Nudes in brief: Jackie O

And finally: school is a teeny bit over-staffed

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The news in brief 27th October 2014

The news in brief:

British actor continues his quest to be in everything

Old woman restores faith in humanity

Intimate family moment is somehow our business

Political speculation

Apparently imagining things counts as news now

Medieval morality strikes again

Not quite sure how marrying the rapist and the victim is a ‘compromise?!’

Compromise: verb, to settle a dispute by mutual concession - to find a happy medium or strike a balance. Even the dictionary doesn’t agree with this shit.

If we’re generous, baby does look a little bit like Elvis  

Woman risks long term health to conform to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Economy a bit too good

Perhaps when we pay the lifeboat crews, we can bitch about when they do and don’t work…

Thousands upon thousands of Africans have died from AIDS, HIV, famine and malaria too, but the news doesn’t give a shit about them

Ebola!

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Two completely different situations are compared unfavourably because, I dunno, they both have a lot of sand?!

Environment not as fucked as we thought

Study states the obvious: too much alcohol is bad for you

Retailer tells it like it is

School a bit heavy handed

Nudes in brief: everyone is suspicious clothes today…

And finally: beach eats car

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The news in brief 16th October 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Woman’s sex life is none of our business

Wild speculation about couple’s private life

Photographer catches woman walking outside

Woman uses airport

Woman fails to conform to media’ narrow definition of beauty

Woman wears dress

Performer employed to perform performance  

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Boobs!

Couple’s wedding plans are somehow our business

Woman uses gym equipment

Woman wears clothes

Woman updates social media

Singer’s hair not really all that much like other singer’s hair  

Nudes in brief: Chelsea Handler

Consenting adults go on a date

Paparazzi intrudes on couple’s day out

Woman caught wearing sunglasses  

Hello? Is it paternity you’re looking for?

Outrage: woman wears beachwear - at the beach!  

Woman wears glasses

And finally: parents outraged at the Honey Monster

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Our holiday starts tomorrow night, and when we take a break, so does The news in brief. See you on the 27^th!   

The news in brief 15th October 2014

The news in brief:

 

Earth’s magnetic field will kill us all!

Pressure group suggests we don’t actually need to wear rabbits

Product placement masquerading as news

Artists suggests that women are people too

Woman sells house

Actor has hobby – why exactly is this news?!

Crocodile at large in Plymouth

Giant crab still inexplicably making headlines

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Bodily functions are not news

Netherlands lets biker gang go to war

Economy a bit less shit

Maybe supporting a healthy work / life balance might be better than freezing eggs… just saying  

Everyone stand down – the crocodile was just an inflatable!

Giant crab still not available for comment

Ebola!

Bono is really, really sorry

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Man didn’t read his terms and conditions – and it was fucking awesome!

Mad suggestions that disabled people have the same rights as everyone else  

School doesn’t let kids use the bathroom – unless they have a doctor’s note

Nudes in brief: Abbey Clancy

And finally: Puddle eats car

Reading the news so you don’t have to…  

 

   

The news in brief 14th October 2014

The news in brief:

Fracking is back – and it will kill us all!

Texas confuses woman’s knickers for a tree or lake or pretty sunset

The news in brief is basically never getting on an aeroplane again

Website confuses product placement for news

Terrifying clowns are terrifying

Giant crab probably hasn’t come to enslave humanity (and is probably a hoax)

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Ebola!

Study suggests we were the 1% all along…

Pro tip: when you’re burgling someone – don’t stop for a nap

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Newsflash: too much sugar and caffeine is bad for you

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch mark II strikes again

Relax: everyone’s first day is a total fuck up…  

For once the ‘ghost’ caught on camera is pretty convincing

Aluminium will kill us all!

Bureaucracy: 1; human decency: 0

Burger and chips IN SPACE!

Nudes in brief: Helena Vestergaard

And finally:  man is in love with his cars (gotta feel for his automobiles)

Reading the news so you don’t have to…  

 

   

The news in brief 13th October 2014

The news in brief:

Exclusive: Internet provider’s parental shield blocks Transformers Fanart but allows gif of bottomless woman in swimming pool taking off her top. Something’s fucked up with that…

Wild speculation!

Rabid scaremongering!

Study states the obvious: broccoli is good for you

Redesigned children’s character is an abomination against god and man

Religion’s bodycount continues apace

Mobile phones will kill us all

Bats caught on camera – doing normal bat stuff!

Science is fucking awesome

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

NHS strikes divide opinion

Rich / poor divide surprises no-one

Newsflash: old people are people too…

Finland pretty pissed at Apple

Denmark outlaws sex with animals – wait, what?! Like only just now?!

Classroom assistant forgets how to person

Asshole child has been very, very naughty

Council says send your kids to school even if they’re sick

Controversial chat show is controversial

Economy a bit less shit

Nudes in brief: bottomless woman in swimming pool taking off her top. Duh.

And finally: Attack of the 50 foot crab!

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The news in brief 12th October 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Woman wears bikini

Wild speculation about couple’s family life

Model’s love life is none of our business

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Cleavage is not news

Shock: woman pops into shop

Man conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman has legs

Wild speculation about (possible) celebrity couple

Newsflash: people look tired after long day at work

Woman wears dress

Outrage: celebrity caught spending time with non-celebrity

Wardrobe malfunction

Woman has the audacity to go out in casual clothes   

Newspaper not impressed with woman’s hair

Woman updates social media

Actress caught going to the gym

Woman fails to conform to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Actress caught not wearing make-up

Photographer catches actress wearing casual clothes TO THE FARMER’S MARKET!

Woman wears hat

Woman dresses for the weather

And finally: we fucking love Maggie Smith…  

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The news in brief 11th October 2014

The news in brief:

Reading the news so you don't have to...

Breaking news

Pro tip: if you're going to burgle someone's house, raping their teddy bear is a sure-fire way to get caught....

Breaking news

Breaking news: 'squeaky bum time' is apparently suitable language for Channel Four News

The news in brief 9th October 2014

The news in brief:

It’s official: Red Bull does NOT give you wings

… and the Desk Sergeant asked ‘why the long face?’

Celebrity furious the terms and conditions apply to him too

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch continues her mission to offend everyone on Earth

Ebola situation remains pretty fucking hairy

Newspaper indulges in a bit of cyberbullying

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Bureaucracy 2: human decency: 0 

Pro tip: sending the victims to prisons is NOT cool 

Awesome teen kicks all kind of arse

Study states the obvious: comfort eating is bad for you

Tragic story has a bittersweet ending

Flagrant fear-mongering

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Surprise racoon 

Weather a bit interesting

Cereal box prizes are getting out of fucking hand

Indistinct, blurry, shape probably not a ghost

Building no longer an accidental death-ray

Nudes in brief: Heston Blumenthal and Jeremy Clarkson?!

Medieval morality doesn’t approve of peaceful protest

Driverless trains set to strike in 2023

Civilised nation lawmakers decide to return to Stone Age morality

And finally: Hitler’s Tinder account doing very well  

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The news in brief 6th October 2014

The news in brief:

Look, we’re still not ignoring the whole ISIS thing; it’s just we’re a satirical news blog and we’re in it for the laughs. There is nothing funny what-so-ever about people being murdered in cold blood. The news in brief still struggles to rationalise a sentient being decapitating an aid worker, whilst still considering themselves the good guys…. Suffices to say we remain saddened by the news and we wish/hope/prey for a peaceful and prompt resolution

Newsflash: potatoes are not an effective form of contraceptive

Pro tip: full pelvis condoms are apparently a thing now

Remember: any form of contraceptive will send you straight to hell.

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Stop the press: cats are not people

According to the Internet, two wrongs do make a right

Wild speculation rife in the comments section

Nearly 50% of America now grants the same rights to everybody

Heterosexual couples continue to undermine the sanctity of marriage

Ebola situation remains pretty fucking hairy

Joke is in very poor taste

Once again newspaper fails to understand why the ‘Graphic Content’ warning goes BEFORE the pictures not AFTER!

Science is pretty fucking awesome  

Holodecks are nearly a thing (kinda)

Manicures will kill us all!

Giant spider!

Bureaucracy: 2, Human kindness: 0

Mad suggestion the supermarkets should make the droid tills work

Woman has clearly seen Die Hard with A Vengeance

Nudes in brief: Lady Mary Crawley

And finally: Doctor is really good at porridge

Reading the news so you don’t have to…   

We have a house guest and it’s my son’s birthday on Wednesday, so we’re having a short hiatus for the next two nights. See you Thursday!

The news in brief 5th October 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Sports star has the audacity to go outside

Man and woman caught parenting

Man acts like a prick in public

Scandal: man has hair cut

Celebrity voted off of reality TV show

Woman caught going outside

Woman wears dress

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Newspaper approves of woman’s coat

Outrage: actress caught in possession of a vagina

Woman has legs

Mother and daughter’s clothes are nothing alike

Woman wears hat

Singer does bear a passing resemblance to Michael Jackson… kinda

Woman is (allegedly) as thick as mince

Stop the press: woman has luggage AT THE AIRPORT!

Dress only faintly translucent – and why is this news anyway?!

Shock: woman wears comfortable clothes

Woman has new boyfriend… why exactly do we need a picture of her wet and in a bikini for this?!

Nudes in brief: Chloe-Jasmine Whichello    

Woman’s sex life is none of our business

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 4th October 2014

A blog post from the archive:

"Hi Beautiful Lady; without replying to this message, put a heart on your wall; no comment, just a heart. Next, post a heart on the wall of the person who sent you this message. Then send this message to your women friends, only women. If anyone asks you why you have so many hearts on your wall, don't tell them. This is only for women, because this is breast cancer research week. One small act of solidarity between women. PS to type a heart, first type < then 3 It will turn into a heart as soon as you post. Thank you" 

“Dear humans,

Must we do this every year?

1. Men can get breast cancer. Actual, factual breast cancer. Try educating yourselves: http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Cancer-of-the-breast-male/Pages/Introduction.aspx

2. Women tend to have sons/brothers/fathers/husbands/male friends - who all are all affected.

3. 7 billion aware people can raise more money than 3.5 billion aware people

4. Putting hearts/bra colour/shoe size on Facebook does NOTHING if you don't follow it up with action.

Read all about Slacktivism here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slacktivism

See you all next year...”

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 2nd October 2014

Breaking news: Pope believes in angels

The news in brief 1st October 2014

The news in brief:

Man stands up to bullies

Mad suggestion that everyone is both free and equal

Awesome dude shows us that love doesn’t recognise borders

Horoscope even more bullshit than usual

Someone’s going to get bollocked in the morning

Economy a bit less shit

Wages up and Income Tax down – public still not satisfied

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Tragedy as the ground fails to do ITS ONE JOB!

Woman makes painful decision

General public breaks the Internet

Newsflash: women can be funny too

Big business in trouble for doing its job properly

      

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Science is fucking awesome

Horrifically immoral science-fiction device now on sale

Warmest day of October so far    

Seriously people: READ YOUR FUCKING TERMS AND CONDITIONS

Pro tip: supervise your children

Turns out Aristotle might have been right after (at least with fruit flies)

Study states the obvious: children talk shit

Nudes in brief: Miley Cyrus. Again?!

And finally: This is a swathe of dummy text that can be used to indicate how many words fit into a particular space…

Reading the news so you don’t have to…