The news in brief 22nd July 2016

Today's news in brief:

Seriously, you goddamned motherfucking wankpuffins, stop ruining our Friday nights and stop fucking killing each other.

Reading the news because you won't want to...

The news in brief 21st July 2016

Today's news in brief:

What's a guy gotta do to not get shot these days?

Police brutality

Manspreading legitimately news now

God probably not offended by Pokémon

Trees will kill us all

It's still fucking hot out

Economy still pretty goosed

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Cats inhumanity to cats continues apace

Terrible kickstarter is terrible

Scientists totally nail the Frankenorgan

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Government surprises no-one

Road safety ogre has a message for mankind

Jousting is totally a sport

Racists ruin everyfuckingthing

The lollipops were meant for everyone...

Diana Watch 2016: royal pictures used to distract us from actual news

Nudes in brief: Lily Donaldson

And finally: Brits are all very cross

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 20th July 2016

This week's news in beef:

The news in brief 19th July 2016

Today's news in brief:

First a wannabe axe murderer wounds a bunch of people on a train in Germany, then a fatal shooting in Lincolnshire and now a young family stabbed up in France?! What the actual fuck is going on, Europe?

Nothing like a coup to justify a clampdown...

Brexit thing still pissing people off

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Power to indiscriminately kill millions higher priority than NHS

Pictures of half-naked teenaged girls universally used to illustrate ‘god it's fucking hot’ stories

God it's fucking hot

Internet still obsessed with new mobile app

Economy marginally less shit

Speech a little bit similar

Trains ‘totally shit’

Politician ‘quite a bit racist ‘

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Photograph sure has a lot of white people…

People act like pricks on the Internet

Wasps are clearly evil masterminds

Backwards belief system treats women like crap

Stars in their bras: Miranda Kerr

And finally: Woman has a very hairy pussy (cat)

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 18th July 2016

It's still pretty grim out there. Thanks shitting crikey for this week's celebrity news in brief:

Breaking news: women have bodies

Twitter spat gets out of hand

Pregnant women looks a bit pregnant

Cleavage is not news

Woman updates social media

Wild speculation

This just in: what woman chooses to do with her vagina is actually none of our business

Woman wears dress

Paparazzi intrudes on private moment

Parent caught parenting

Woman caught exercising

Woman wears hat

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Women has the audacity to go outside

Woman goes outside. Newspaper judges her tits.

Sideboob

Photographers continue to stalk minor

Nudes in brief: Hailey Baldwin

And finally: Thandie Newton has her boobs out for all the right reasons.

Reading the news so you don't have to…

The news in brief 17th July 2016

Today's news in brief:

Two Fridays in a row now we've not felt right making jokes about the news because literally there has been nothing but horror. We have a truck being driven into crowds of families celebrating.  We have a military coup-d’etat in Turkey which has left two hundred people dead. And just when you think it's settled down and we can start pointing out that cleavage isn't news or start comparing Google’s latest innovation to Skynet, cops are being gunned down and a little boy is being held hostage. Sometimes a glib ‘man’s inhumanity to man’ or ‘religion's bodycount continues to mount’ doesn't quite do it justice.

But seriously guys, it's not that hard: stop fucking killing each other you goddamned motherfucking arsewombles.

Please.

Reading the news so you don't have to…

The news in brief 14th July 2016

Today’s pokénews in brief:

Internet still obsessed with new mobile app, almost to the exclusion of all other content

Nintendo not actually responsible for sex offenders

Nintendo not actually responsible for body dumps

Child’s game inexplicably more popular than porn

Nintendo not actually responsible for dangerous driving

Nintendo not actually responsible for muggings

Christians try to take advantage of Pokémon Go  

Nintendo not actually responsible for insensitive bastards disrespecting memorials  

Wild speculation about how Pokémon Go can be manipulated by paedophiles

Nintendo not actually responsible for cliffs, gravity or human stupidity

Unfounded fearmongering about how Pokémon Go can be manipulated by ISIS

Nintendo helps people with mental health issues feel better

Birmingham plans to ban Pokémon Go

Study states the obvious: people really like this Pokémon thing

Nudes in brief: Pokémon dicks pics   

And finally: something about a new government

Gotta read ‘em all so you don’t have to....