The news in brief 31st March 2016

Today’s news in brief:

2016 claims another TV legend

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Cat coppers are totally a thing now, whatever next?

Dog pilots. That's what.

Woman really hates car

Car really hates woman

Woman wastes police time

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Little girl is smarter than you

Man not wizard after all

Bile-spewing hate-engine sets back equality by 5 million years

Mad suggestion that everyone should have the same rights

Breaking news: people are free to wear whatever the fuck they want

Indistinct blurr probably not a ghost

Despicable cunt-whistle gets what he deserves

Genes will kill us all

Weather set to get less wintery over next three months

Study states the obvious: being punched in the head is bad for you

Nudes in brief: Courteney Stodden

And finally: newspaper digs up meme from like, 1915…

Reading the news so you don’t have to...

The news in brief 30th March 2016

Today’s news in brief:

We were going to make a joke about how Meatloaf would do anything for love but he wouldn't hijack an aeroplane,  but it seemed a bit too soon and a bit insensitive. Instead here's the Summary Squirrel with his round up of the week's top stories:

The news in brief 29th March 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Religion's bodycount continues to…. sigh :(

Fish is really fucking big

UN pisses off 1982

Schools find news way to annoy parents

Flag designer may need to have a rethink

Magazine acts like a twat on the Internet

Shop reinforces gender stereotypes

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Coffee shop's social media team win at Internetting

Dog accurately describes how we all feel

Hijacking is a little bit funny. But only a little bit.

Voodoo nutjobs still inexplicably pushing agenda

Apple's in a spot of bother

Pro tip: if someone else's genitals are causing you concern, one of you is bathrooming wrong

Mad suggestion that people should be treated like people regardless of height

Asshole surprises no-one

Hardcore granny really wanted to be on that boat

Austerity: 1, human kindness: 0

Nudes in brief: Ashley Graham

And finally: Man desperate to avoid that pesky baggage charge…

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The news in brief 24th March 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Within the space of two hours, the same newspaper shared two conflicting stories: one saying you should totally skip breakfast fatty, the other saying breakfast is the most important meal of the day (but eat two little ones instead of one big one.)

We take this as conclusive proof that you can prove anything with statistics and you shouldn't pay attention to anything you read. Especially on the Internet.

If you don't hear from us again, it's because we died from eating nothing but coffee and deep-fried cheesecake for breakfast.

In other news:

Europe still feeling pretty ropey

Bigots take to the Internet in droves

Politicians use tragedy to try and score points

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Retired man has zero shits to give

Virtual donkey causes virtual chaos

Missing boat shows up

Nazi hate-engine gives Skynet a run for its money

Man's inhumanity continues apace

Asshole gets what he deserves

Bard loses his head

Nudes in brief: Alessandro Ambrosio

And finally: man has incredible hangover

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The news in brief 21st March 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Ship builders have no idea how the Internet works

We totally voted for Boaty McBoatface

Teabags will save us all

North Korea is really mad at the ocean

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Bank holiday traffic forecast surprises no-one

German nutjobs apparently not big fans of history

Soldiers test out Harry Potter tech

Pro tip assholes: rabbits are not disposable items

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Newspaper learns about gross baby bottles months after everyone else

Newspaper demonises immigrants

Newspaper demonises the homeless

Pizza helps win the war on terror

Skynet is eyeing up your job too

Outraged morons furious about things that don't affect them (or anyone else)

Study states the obvious: insomnia is pretty fucking awful

Diana Watch 2016: how many monuments does one woman need? Also still dead.

Stars in their bras: Gemma Atkinson

And finally: big business hopes to make billions from your misery…

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The news in brief 18th March 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Steaming hypocritic claims moral victory

2016 continues to mow down beloved celebrities

Breaking news: periods no longer a luxury

Knee jerk reactions a-go-go

Millions of disabled people miraculously cured

People are literally never satisfied

Rogue nation surprises no-one

Kids suggest that maybe they’re under enough pressure

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Tax office fear rise of the homemade lemonade speakeasy

Medieval government still treats women like shit

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Coffee drinkers prepare for revolution

Teddy bear’s arm not a penis

Economy still pretty shit

Nation hungover after day-long racial slur

Church has been very naughty

Sanctimonious git needs to climb down from his high horse

Nudes in brief: doesn't seem appropriate when the boobs aren't voluntarily

And finally: sex toys made from dead partner’s ashes are totally a thing now

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The news in brief 16th March 2016

Today’s news in brief:

The Summary Squirrel gets to the root of the week's top stories:

The news in brief 15th March 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Unrepentant shithead surprises no-one

Terrorist’s cell better than most people's first apartments

Media manipulation a-go-go

Parole meeting doesn't go to plan

Luminous hate-wizard inexplicably still popular

Martian methane apparently more worthwhile than freezing, starving refugees

Rogue nation remains terrifying/hilarious /adorable

How did doing doughnuts at a war memorial ever seem like a good idea?!

Nation shits itself for tomorrow's budget announcement

Perhaps they all had 2.1 NI number each?  

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Putin pulls out (snigger)

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Easter eggs are shit

Pro tip: human remains are not drugs

Dog has two noses?! How does it smell? (sorry)

Skynet getting pretty good at board games

Dead woman to get special magic award

Diana Watch 2016: daughter-in-law wears similar hat. Still dead.

Study states the obvious: rest is good for you

Stars in their bras: Jesy Nelson

And finally: crustacean doesn't look anything like Elton John

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The news in brief 14th March 2016

We're back, bitches! Once again our scheduled return coincides with another wave of bombings,  stabbings and shootings around the world making us wonder how we can carry on poking fun at the news when the news is so full of darkness. At home we have disabled people living in fear of next week's budget, and across the pond a shit pile of people seem to have forgotten the lessons of the 1930s and 40s and are rallying around a trumpeting hate engine who promises greatness on the back of intolerance and fear.

This is a hard gig. Thank shitting crikey for celebrity gossip:

This week’s celebrity news in brief:

Man's weight loss is not news

Couple caught canoodling

Paparazzi intrudes on romantic moment

Woman wears dress

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Breaking news: woman doesn't do her hair and make-up when running errands

Man updates social media

Wild speculation about who's quaffing who

Sideboob is NOT news

Woman wears beachwear AT THE BEACH!?!?

Stop the press: family walks dog

Woman wears brightly coloured shoes

Woman drives car

Woman caught not wearing jewellery

We still think publishing pictures of other people's kids is weird and wrong…

Photographers intrude on family day out

Mother and daughter caught doing normal mother and daughter stuff

Stars in their bras: Chantelle Connelly

And finally: throwing amatures at a ski jump may have been a Very Bad Idea

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The news in brief 5th March 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Usual news in brief rules apply: when we're away from work, you dweebs gotta read your own news. So we're doing a mash up of actual news and celebrity bullshit tonight then we're downing our notepads and fedoras until the 14th.

Landing rockets probably quite hard

Customers talk smack about waiter with special needs. Restaurant has none of it…

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Brace yourselves for some weather

Pro tip: sat navs do not replace common sense

Attention assholes: two wrongs do not make a right

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Righteous dude totally saves the day

Peanuts probably won't kill us all

Juice stain does look at lot like a cock and balls (but why is this news?!)

What lecturer does in his spare time none of our business

Fire engines are NOT toys

Scientists apparently haven't seen Jurassic Park

Paparazzi intrudes on intimate moment

Woman wears bikini

Couple gets married

Woman updates social media

Woman goes outside

Publishing photos of someone else's six year old still seems pretty weird to us

Someone going outside without make up isn't news

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Man caught socialising

Photographer intrudes on family day out

Woman does job

Being over 60 is not news

Woman fails to conform to media's narrow definition of beauty

Stars in their bras: Bella Thorne

And finally: dog is pretty fucking photogenic

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 3rd March 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Work until you drop, bitches

More austerity measures to come

It's okay though, happiness might actually kill you

Belligerent nation surprises no-one

Can you even buy a snowmobile for less than £2000.00?

Definition of ‘book' stretched almost to breaking

First trailer released for reboot no-one wanted

Product placement still isn't news

Many Americans suddenly find Canada appealing

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Technology is fucking awesome: anti-drone parachute net launcher unveiled

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Bastards caught abusing dog

Darwin Award!

Newspaper suddenly thinks it's Buzzfeed

Trump doll is a little bit unsettling

Fucking council makes swearing illegal

Politician uncomfortably Hitleresque

Study states the obvious: increase in casual sex linked to increase in STIs

Nudes in brief: Daisy Lowe

And finally: stag parties are a bit old fashioned

Reading the news so you don’t have to...

The news in brief 2nd March 2016

Today’s news in brief:

Once again the Summary Squirrel gets right to the heart of the week's top stories:

The news in brief 1st March 2016

Today’s news in brief:

You may have noticed a distinct lack of news in brief yesterday. If I'm working for free, then you assholes can read your own news.

How many more celebrities need airlifting to hospital before throwing amatures at a ski jump stops seeming like a good idea?

Definition of ‘cease' changed to make news a little fluffier

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Pro tip: if publicly shaming someone's shape yields a positive result, you're still an asshole

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

We're dreaming of a white Easter

Super Tuesday not really all that super

Brexit will kill us all!

Brexit will save us all!

Breaking news: Brexit is not a word

The Internet’s favorite meme sadly died

Snorting coke in the Nazi room… where do we even start with that one?!

Turns out Australia doesn't share a border with Slovenia. Who knew?!

Skynet plans to use emergency exits against us

US military wants to test lasers properly before letting soldiers have a go

Study states the obvious: sleep is good for you

Nudes in brief: Miley Cyrus

And finally: Kung fu squirrels are pretty fucking rad

Reading the news so you don’t have to…