The news in brief 30th April 2014

The news in brief:

I’m feeling really unwell and there’s still two more working days of this week left to go, so something of an abridged news in brief tonight:

Young couple’s break up is none of our business

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

State sanctioned murder not humane enough

Study states the obvious: fibre is good for you   

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Man quits job

Giant whale ready to blow

Breaking news: woman buys fruit juice

More racist horsefuckery crawls out of the woodwork

3D pen is heresy and witchcraft!

Young woman allegedly sexually abused – better use a picture of her wet and in a bikini

Nudes in brief: Charlotte Crosby

Diana Watch 2014: still pretty fucking dead

Skimming reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 29th April 2014

The news in brief

PM suggests keeping promises might be a good idea

Hero dog gets medal

HS2 will solve all of our problems

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Political party probably regrets having free-post address

HS2 will kill us all  

Mums know best

Updating Facebook whilst driving is a very bad idea

Planned change announced well in advance

News doesn’t want anyone to be happy

Remember: cyber-bullying is okay if you’re a news outlet and you’re picking on a celebrity

Pretty convincing UFO…

Google comes one step closer to unleashing SkyNet

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Plane still missing

Economy not quite as shit

Bins to be emptied every three weeks?!

Nudes in brief: Charlotte Crosby

Swooning women everywhere have forgotten Batman and Robin

3 surprises in 1!

Cast announced a long time ago, far, far away

People sure do like coffee

Study states the obvious: being horrible to kids is a very bad idea

Diana Watch 2014:  still dead 

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 28th April 2014

The news in brief: 

Politician has no sense of humour

Woman wears dresses (but not the ones the media thinks she should)

Terrible photoshop is terrible

Wild speculation

Family tragedy repackaged as sensational thriller

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Man has rights – public outraged

Misleading headline

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Unsurprising racist

News outlet decides to leave the journalism to our imaginations

Man is a master of psychological warfare

Ageism isn’t just for the elderly

Woman is clearly off her rocker

Magic shoes immune to the effects of entropy

Mad suggestion that people should pay their bills

Family’s hobby is better than yours

Not all teenagers are hoodies, thugs and wastes of space

Boat is going to be fucking huge

Nudes in brief: Cher Lloyd

Racist bastards: 0, Quick-witted sports star: 1

                               

Happy Ed Balls day!

Well it must be true if his mum said so….

Diana Watch 2014: still dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

              

The news in brief 27th April 2014

The news in brief celebrity special

Two women wore the same dress (not at the same time)

Woman not going to wedding

Actor does job

Woman wears skirt

Singer eats dinner

Couple likes each other

Woman has legs

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman wears dress

Man’s rather natty suit apparently not worthy of comment

Woman dares to go outside without make up

Family eats dinner

Man fails to live up to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Remember – snide comments about people’s appearance is okay if you’re a newspaper

Woman wears dress

Man conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Paparazzi catch mother spending time with child

 Actress caught not smiling – cue wild speculation about her marriage

Maybe she was pissed off at photographers following her and journalists making comments about her husband’s hair – the editor

Newspaper doesn’t like model’s trousers

He’ll be back

Nudes in brief: Ferne McCann

Woman nervous about starting new job

Diana Watch 2014: must admit we dropped the ball on this one… will update again tomorrow

Reading the ‘news’ so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 26th April 2014

The news in brief extra:

Sometimes, just sometimes, the actual news is mad enough, that The news in brief team don't need to do anything to make it ridiculous:

http://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/latest-news/376157/Woman-whose-name-sounds-like-al-Qaida-blocked-from-entering-the-US

I mean, if you pronounce it bad enough, my name sounds a bit like Al Qaida

Enjoy.

The news in brief 25th April 2014

The news in brief:

 

Doomsayers and fear-mongers trending  

Another near-miss nana

Girl probably not a ghost

Woman maybe not wearing underwear is NOT news

Snooker is inexplicably still a thing

Woman commits career suicide

Two hour orgasm sounds good on paper

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Shock: teenager good at lying down

Perhaps you should try using condoms?!

Russia situation upgraded from ‘squeaky bum time’ to ‘pretty fucking uncomfortable’

Internet trolls are pretty shitty

Giant rats will kill us all!

Singer gears up for nil points

Bunny-sized deer are pretty darn cute

Political correctness: 1 Commonsense: 0

Nudes in brief: Rihanna (again)

‘Uniform’ is not a hard word to understand

Overzealous security guard

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Holidaymakers outraged that whole country’s society didn’t stop just for them

Bureaucratic jobsworths strike again

Token gesture taken out of context

SatNav not responsible for you being stupid

Diana Watch: 2014: probably still dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…   

  

    

 

The news in brief 24th April 2014

The news in brief

Pro tip: don’t tag yourself in incriminating photos on Facebook

Exactly how much evidence do you need?!

Ironic death

Wild speculation continues

Video is pretty fucked up

Zombie tree

Cute baby foxes are cute

Near miss nanny

Science is fucking amazing

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Plastic surgeons a little too good

Self entitled prick wants the Earth

Russia situation still ‘squeaky bum time’

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Being racist on Twitter is generally a Bad Idea

They replaced the item and gave you a £10 goodwill gesture... exactly what were you expecting?!   

Newspaper engages in a bit of cyberbulling

Remember – if you don’t look the way the media thinks you should – you’re fair game

Junior member of staff not aware of law – newspaper blows out of all proportion  

Bureaucracy: 1, common sense: 0

Newspaper discovers ancient Internet meme

Nudes in brief: Casey Batchelor

Terrible parenting

10 year-old has contacts in high places

Diana Watch 2014: Still making headlines. Still dead.

Reading the news so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 23rd April 2014

The news in brief

Routine procedure represented as terrifying nightmare ordeal

Misleading headline

Big cat attack!

Wooden swimsuits are a shit idea

‘Update’ bit of a strong word

Grumpy sourpusses: 1 Sense of humour: 0

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Ironic fraudster

1 in 4 adults are dirty excuse makers

Sometimes the real headline is better than anything The news in brief can come up with: Teenager arrested with loaded gun hidden in her vagina

Castaways saved by Hollywood cliché

Blurry image probably not a ghost

Russia situation still ‘squeaky bum time’

Atheists generally not that bothered by religion

Headlines confuses news with outright lies

Men are not useless after all

Nudes in brief: Julia Louis-Dreyfus (and a clown)

Pope suggests divorced women might be people too

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

And you thought your job was shit…

Apples probably not responsible for children’s behaviour

Science is fucking awesome

Foreign fog will kill us all

Man doesn’t look a bit like his alleged doppelgänger

Diana Watch 2014: not quite as dead as Shakespeare

Reading the news so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 22nd April 2014

The news in brief

Insensitive speculation continues

Shock: people age

Most popular song is most popular

200,000 people must be pretty fucking stupid

Shortest bicycle path ever

Bureaucracy: 1 Common sense: 0

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Armchair revolutionaries shoehorn vitriol into comments of every article

Woman doesn’t have hair cut

Racy show is racy

Idiot child lucky to be alive

Definition of ‘plagued’ stretched to breaking point

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace  

Russia situation upgraded from ‘pretty fucking hair’ to ‘squeaky bum time.’

Unfounded fear mongering posing as politics

BBC journalist asks ace question

Space is probably going to kill us all

Remember kids – you will never fail at anything and adult life is completely disappointment free!

Science is pretty fucking cool

Nudes in brief: Sofia Vergara

Teenager shows us that not all human beings are toss-wrangling shit-weasels

Man is toss-wrangling shit-weasel

Everything (including vitamin B) comes from outer space

Diana Watch 2014: probably still dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

    

The news in brief 20th April 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Actor engages in a bit of bullying

Media’s narrow definition of beauty reinforced

Paparazzi catches singer being a dad

Nudes in brief: Lea Michele

Boobs!

Woman fails to conform to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Model probably least likable human being ever

Man updates social media

Shock: family has lunch

Woman wears bikini AT THE BEACH!

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Actress has the AUDACITY to not wear make-up at all times

Myleene Klass in dressing gown and bunny ears – not news, I just really wanted to type that

Paparazzi intrudes on family days out

Woman wears dress

Singer tells rumourmongers his sexuality is irrelevant and none of your fucking business

Woman wears jewellery

Unfounded speculation

Family eats breakfast TOGETHER!

I’m sorry Internet Trolls; just how many Olympic medals have you won?

It’s clearly three different shades of blue…

Outrage: family gets ice cream

Woman also wears dress

Man drives car

Woman doesn't wear jewellery

If they look like any other family, why are you taking their picture?

Diana Watch 2014: the boys in the lab confirm ‘dead’

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 19th April 2014

It’s time to play The news in brief drinking game

Go to www.facebook.com

Find an article posted by a mainstream news outlet

Start reading the comments

For every comment take a sip

For every comment claiming you can make THOUSANDS $$$$ a week from home, take two sips

When you get to a comment written by a devastatingly racist thundercunt, finish your drink

Last one standing wins….

   

The news in brief 18th April 2014

The news in brief:

 

People are mindless slaves to fashion

Details of funeral – which has nothing to do with you – revealed

Public figure present at their occasion

Bullying is always wrong

Boba fucking Fett!

Misleading headline

Sexually active, consenting adult has like, totally done it…

Island probably not actually haunted

Shock: wife makes good-natured joke about husband

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Statistically likely phenomena found

Probably not the Loch Ness Monster

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Toddler shops parents

Pee-on-a-stick Parties are apparently a thing

Centipede’s inhumanity to snakes continues apace

News outlet indulges in a bit of cyber bullying

Russia situation remains ‘fucking hairy’   

Animal abuse rife in middle class suburbia

Sad news: check yourselves boys

Nudes in brief: Millie Mackintosh

Study suggests what Paula Abdul and DJ Skat Cat have been telling us for years

Science is fucking amazing

Extreme overreaction to small problem

Chilling similarities to our terrible past – here’s hoping its tabloid bullshit (BBC says it is)

Ghost car? Or just, you know, angles?!  

   

Ape uses fire (you maniacs, damn you all to hell!)

Diana Watch 2014: ‘still dead’

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

Breaking news

Breaking news: vacuum cleaners are not food. 

The news in brief 16th April 2014

The news in brief:

Woman wears dress – world prepares to wear yellow

Baby not that interested in teddy bear

Hippo’s inhumanity to crocodiles continues apace

Grandparent’s priorities a bit skewed

Wild sensationalist speculation

International incident ‘hair raising’

Killer mutant rats

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Total bastard gets what he deserves

Child finds awesome hiding place

Postman finds shit hiding place

Russia situation upgraded to ‘really fucking hairy’    

Big business learns the difference between ‘reply’ and ‘reply all’

Giant space amoeba probably nothing

Abandoned village - free to a good home

Misleading headline

Nudes in brief: Sofia Vergara

Frivolous lawsuit

What now?!

France confirms that dogs are in fact alive

Most ironic story in the history of irony

Health and fucking safety

Newspaper pretty judgemental of those who fail to conform

Diana Watch 2014: ‘still pretty dead’

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 15th April 2014

The news in brief: 

Total eclipse of the heart*

14 year old in a whole heap of shit

Terrorism jokes are NOT funny

Chocolatier a bit heavy handed

Weird really, because the law is quite explicit

10 hour day might a bit much for 4 year olds

Boobs have nothing to do with breast cancer

Russia situation remains ‘fucking hairy’

Study states the obvious: salt is bad for you

MAN ORDERED TO LEARN NETIQUETTE

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Public given what they asked for still not happy

Science is fucking awesome

Exclusive: people are literally never satisfied

Mutant space cherries

Voldermort not a suspect

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

e-cigarettes will kill us all!

World probably not ending

Buffalo’s inhumanity to lions continues apace  

Baby moon!

Giant bird on the loose

Shock: you are responsible for supervising your child on the Internet

Rogue dictator has no sense of humour

Nudes in brief: Sam Faiers

Diana Watch 2014: ‘still’ dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

*moon

The news in brief extra

Step 1: ignore terms and conditions
Step 2: sign contract agreeing to aforementioned terms and conditions
Step 3: use service irresponsibly
Step 4: receive bill
Step 5: mewl to the tabloid media about bill
Step 6: not pay bill
Step 7: wonder why things are more expensive
Step 8: look for a new provider
Step 9: go back to step 1

The news in brief 13th April 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Woman wears dress

Man wears underpants

Man not as attractive as other man

Woman goes outside

Women dresses like a whore

It’s called a Camberwell Carrot

Woman wears dress

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Woman wears dress

Couple appears to like each other

Woman buys car

Woman doesn’t wear dress

Shock: professional athlete goes to the gym

Father spends time with son

Runner runs run

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Family has lunch together

Woman wears dress

Headline reinforces body image stereotypes

86 year-old retires

Woman wears dress

Woman dresses for the weather (how very dare she?!)

Nudes in brief: Jasmine Waltz

So basically, the tabloids are going to keep shouting ‘is she pregnant with baby number two?’ for the next ten years, until she actually has baby number two, then they can claim they called it…  

Diana Watch 2014: still ‘dead’

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

Breaking news

Breaking news: water falls FROM THE SKY!

The news in brief 12th April 2014

The news in brief extra:

Sometimes, just sometimes, the actual news is insane enough, that The news in brief team don't need to do anything to make it ridiculous:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/10759914/Chinese-farmer-wears-almost-half-a-million-bees.html

Enjoy.

The news in brief 11th April 2014

The news in brief:

Just how may bad days can one man have?!

London buses get a bit sci-fi

Husband probably cracked a few out on the sly

Science is fucking awesome

Hilarious URL fail

Baby sloth is pretty cute

Singing priest still inexplicably in the news

People are judgemental pricks

Scotched. Crème. Egg. That is all.

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

‘Ideal woman’ looks like a terrifying nightmare sex doll

Attention-seeking hyperbitch actually says something nice

Apophenia is not news

Russia situation upgraded from ‘pretty hairy’ to ‘hairy’

Dead people tend not to scream

MPs sign up to voluntary code ‘to not be dicks to staff’

Internet bully gets bullied and cries foul play

News is literally 250% more sensational in the tabloids

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Man versus Nature: the march to victory!  

Plane still missing

Little boy has best parents ever!

Viagra ice cream?! [insert ‘Mr Whippy’ or ‘soft serve’ joke here]  

Nudes in brief: Cher

Pro tip: mentioning something in a national newspaper doesn’t count as ‘staying out of it’   

Diana Watch 2014: still dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 10th April 2014

The news in brief:

The Internet is out to get you – but it’s going to die soon anyway

Nazi swan

Hero parrot

Wild speculation continues apace - apologies not forthcoming

Plane still missing

Weather to turn summer-y

Man acts like prick - newspapers totally unbiased 

Man’s in humanity to man continues apace

Man’s inhumanity to animals continues apace

Basically people are monsters  

Ironic mugging

Someone you’ve never heard of is doing something, somewhere, soon (maybe)

Shock: humans have body hair

Newsflash: 2011 was three years ago…

Evolution’s gonna fuck us up

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

I know it’s not Sunday but ‘Woman wears dress!’

Nudes in brief: Rihanna

Science is fucking cool

Maybe, just maybe, these men are actually innocent?!

Space is, like, really, really big

Newspaper misrepresents reasonable terms and conditions

Baked beans will kill us all!

Diana Watch 2014: still dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 9th April 2014

The news in brief 9^th April 2014

Written this morning after getting mad at the tabloid headlines…

“The late Peaches Geldof has not yet had her autopsy. Which means a medical examiner has not determined the cause of her death. So whilst it's fair to say nothing has been ruled out, nothing has been ruled in either.
At this stage there is no information other than a young mother of two's light has been sadly extinguished. ...and so the universe weeps.

For our tabloid friends to be exclaiming 'Drugs and suicide NOT ruled out' whilst technically correct is nothing but wild speculation, sensationalism and downright insensitive to the friends and family of the deceased and a shameless cash-in on a human being's untimely death.

Maybe it was drugs. Maybe it was suicide, but let's wait until we have some fucking facts, okay?”

Getting pissed off at the news so you don’t have to…   

The news in brief 8th April 2014

The news in brief:

Giant sheep

Misleading coffee-related headline

Poor planning led to piss poor performance

Cookie Monster probably not a Nazi

Turns out nurses work pretty damned hard

Wild speculation shot down - apologies not forthcoming

UK public obsessed with TV show

Journalist hasn't quite worked out this whole 'no comment' thing

Russia situation upgraded from 'forgotten' to 'hairy'

Great British public baying for blood

Wardrobe malfunction

Maybe it was just a phase…

Inexpensive house is inexpensive

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Vapid clotheshorse turns out to be of a bit racist too

Science is fucking awesome

Government creates logistical nightmare

Toilet terror!

Study states the obvious – stress is bad for you

Internet bullying is NOT news

How dare people fail to conform to the media’s narrow definition of beauty!?

By this point, does anybody believe the near-daily ‘Kim Jong-un has done X’ stories?

Girl must really like bananas

It turns out not all humans are wankers

Nudes in brief: lap dancing robot

Diana Watch 2014: Dead, and unlikely to be influencing wardrobe choices.

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

Breaking news

Breaking news: three month heatwave expected to start in early June. Also known as 'summer?!'

The news in brief 7th April 2014

The news in brief: 

Children look different after 29 years

Freedom: no; Doctor Who: yes

End of the world? Probably not.  

Some people are fucking weird

Not all humans suck

Russia situation all but forgotten

Boxers tend to get punched

Old man dies

Mad suggestion that the law should be applied evenly

Missing ‘plane still missing

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Young lady dies – Internet starts making jokes already  

Wild speculation

Because loosing your livelihood and being publicly shamed isn’t punishment at all

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Remember – it’s easier to lie than tell the truth

Rubbish drone

Must be a really fucking slow news day

Minor HR issue is probably not news

Twitter user not psychic

Seriously – put the graphic content warning BEFORE the picture, not AFTER!  

Baby probably not making smart social commentary

Spiders are after your car!

Sideboob in brief: Amy Willerton

People like coffee

Artist hates babies

Diana Watch 2014: still pretty dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 6th April 2014

How quickly a week goes by?! Soon be time again to trade our dignity, our freedom and our will to live for the almighty dollar. But before we go back to neckties, doubleplusgood newspeak and blue sky thinking, let’s enjoy   

The new in brief celebrity special:

Mother carries child

Paparazzi catches woman parenting

Family spends time together!  

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

It’s okay to not be perfect

Woman has legs

Paparazzi make private moment public

Wild speculation

Woman wear dress

Man looks alright

Some actual news – oh my :(

Man has nice car

Person updates social media

Boobies!

Woman wears bikini

It is NOT okay to not be perfect

Cardigan kind-of similar I suppose

Professional floozy dresses like a tart

Man wears sunglasses OUTSIDE in the SUN!

Woman wears dress

Woman doesn’t conform to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman dares to show her face without make up!

Remember – it’s not bullying if you do it in a newspaper…  

Nudes in brief: Lara Bingle

Woman has legs

Outrage as new parents obey the law

Diana Watch 2014: Pictures of her trip to New Zealand. Dead.

Reading the ‘news’ so you don’t have to…      

Breaking news

Breaking news: old man retires (no word yet of a Brucie Bonus)