The news in brief 30th October 2015

Happy Halloween you fantastic bastards!

The news in brief 29th October 2015

The news in brief:

BE AFRAID. BE VERY AFRAID!

Cybercriminals just aren't fun anymore

Politician is a hypocritical arse

Oppressive regime slightly less oppressive

Study states the obvious: 90 year-old has seen at least 9 decades

Population looks set to skyrocket

Skynet, sorry, Google wants to fix your head

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

People really want to see Harry Potter

CO-OP probably not haunted

Princess wears the same dress more than once… OH MY GOD WHO CARES?!

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

School teacher total loses her shit

Pro tip assholes: stop taxing vaginas

Newspaper completely dismisses debilitating illness

Turns out you've probably got herpes

Medieval mortality confused by hair

Elephants probably not responsible for pay dispute. Dicks.

Happy couple share their blessings

Skydiver probably wants a new hobby

Nudes in brief: Chanel Iman

And finally: Hero toddler tells his diagnosis to do one…

Reading the news so you don't have to…

The news in brief 28th October 2015

The news in brief 27th October 2015

The news in brief:

Men with beards literally full of shit

Need a new heart? Why not 3D print a new one?  

Man’s inhumanity to crabs continues apace

Secretive state surprises no-one

Newspaper oddly keen to start a war with China

Scientists figure out how to make a tractor beam  

Mass transit system fails to figure out how to ‘keep trains running when there are leaves on the line.’

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Shame there’s no consensus on what counts as ‘processed.’

Stealth fracking not as hot as it sounds

Historically oppressive government turns its sights on Halloween

Pro tip: meat is safe so long as you eat it raw and still mooing. Ideally in a field.   

Social media FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!

People will sell any old shit on ebay

Russian criminals own the stereotype

Slow news day? Newspaper rolls out some customer service tweets

Pro tip: women are people and not commodities

Modern art is rubbish

Planet of the Apes may actually be a thing come 2017…

Study states the obvious: office job stifles your ability to think stuff good

Ironic dog name

Nudes in brief: Farrah Abraham

And finally: woman’s Halloween costume is so much better than yours

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 26th October 2015

The news in brief:

Bacon will kill us all!

Sausages will kill us all!

Please God, don’t let it happen to baked beans too

Pizza giants devise way to bring hot carcinogens to your door

Controversial changes blocked controversially

Dirty hypocrites quickly change their tune

Impartial nature decides area hasn’t suffered enough

Man’s inhumanity to bears continues apace

15-year-old is smarter than you

Pro tip: stay off the fucking railway lines!

People who live in the countryside side surprised to learn that people need houses

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Study states the obvious: too much booze is bad for you

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace   

Product placement still isn’t news…

Breaking news: people with fewer dependants tend to have more money

Newspapers start hyping up Black Friday already (since when did we do this anyway?!)

Virtual Reality headset is pretty fucking awesome

Good Samaritan saves the day

Heavy-handed bureaucrats make life even harder to sick little girl

Man angry that government didn’t budget for him

Newspapers indulges in a spot of cyberbullying

Nudes in brief: Amanda Cerny

And finally: indistinct blur probably not a ghost

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 25th October 2015

Sorry about the lack of post on Friday: between the school stabbings, the multiple traffic deaths and the monster weather about to batter Mexico there wasn’t a lot to crack wise about, so we did the respectful thing and kept our fucking mouths shut. It’s a shame because we really wanted to make a smart comment about cunty politicians making old people wait in the cold…

The news in brief celebrity special:

Breaking new: man has new girlfriend

Woman has hair

Woman updates social media

Cleavage is NOT news

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Family breakdown is somehow our business

Stop the press: woman not wearing makeup

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Newspaper has opinions about woman’s hair style

Woman wears dress

Woman has legs

Pregnant woman looks a bit pregnant

Woman goes outside!

Woman has the audacity to wear comfortable clothes

Hold the front page: woman buys pumpkin!

Family wears beachwear AT THE BEACH!

Newspaper objectifies human being

Pro tip: cyberbullying is still wrong when the target’s a celebrity

Nudes in brief: Lana Jeavons

And finally: watch out for that parachutist!

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

   

The news in brief 22nd October 2015:

The news in brief:

Sugar will kill us all

Politician surprises no-one

Good news for nap lovers

Annual occurrence inexplicably still news

Misleading headline

Poster makers had one job!

Medieval mortality ruins another life

Parents forget how to parent

Film probably didn't predict 9/11

tNiB approves of coffee shop's name

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Social media is the new video games

Breaking news: government officials not at work 100% of the day

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Economy not as shit as it was (so long as you're happy to look the other way…)

Study states the obvious: stress is bad for you

Pro tip: emotional availability is good for your relationship

Product placement is NOT news

Nudes in brief: Gwyneth Paltrow

And finally: Nazi doll is probably just a coincidence

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 21st October 2015

The news in brief: 

The Summary Squirrel gets straight to the heart of today's headlines...

The news in brief 20th October 2015

The news in brief:

New Star Wars trailer!

New Star Wars trailer!

New Star Wars trailer!

New Star Wars trailer!

New Star Wars trailer!

OMG! The new Star Wars trailer!

New Star Wars trailer!

New Star Wars trailer!

New Star Wars trailer!

New Star Wars trailer!

Study states the obvious: new Star Wars trailer is fucking epic!

New Star Wars trailer!

New Star Wars trailer!

New Star Wars trailer!

New Star Wars trailer!

Pro tip: watch the new Star Wars trailer!

New Star Wars trailer!

Nudes in brief: unless there's a gold bikini we don't care!

And finally: crashed UFO clearly an upturned pizza oven

If you were looking for news, you're looking in Alderaan places...

The news in brief 19th October 2015

The news in brief:

Children encouraged to not speak like characters from a 70’s cop show

Political correctness gone mad

Think-tank entirely misses the point

Headteacher is a gigantic cunt

Bureaucracy: 1, Human kindness:0

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Parents forget how to person

Airports get pretty busy

Whales spotted in ocean!

Chillax everyone: Facebook’s got you covered

Scientologists have a lot of money

There sure are a lot of asteroids these days…

Bench vandals!

Pro tip: stop fucking killing the fucking elephants!

Skynet will soon control your bank account

Turns out we're not a nation of Benefits Scroungers after all

Drama gets a bit dramatic

Couple denied adoption for totally bullshit reasons

Sugar will kill us all

Soap will kill us all

Deodorant will kill us all

It's okay though: bacon is good for you

Stars in their bras: Lilah Parsons

And finally: FOAM FIGHT!!!

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 18th October 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Family uses public transport

Family visits sick friend

Woman goes out with friend

Breaking news: man changes hair colour

Woman wears dress

Man caught going to work

Woman wears bikini

Couple goes on holiday TOGETHER

Celebrity couple have the audacity to not look happy 100% of the time

Couple goes outside

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Pregnant women looks a bit pregnant

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Stop the press: woman has boobs

Author writes book

Woman wears gym clothes TO THE GYM

Woman updates social media

Singer makes a shit load of money

Newsflash: woman stops to buy fruit juice

Woman's shirt is inexplicably newsworthy

Nudes in brief: Ola Jordan

And finally: newspaper continues to print photos of other people's kids

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 16th October 2015

The news in brief:

Racist tirade caught on camera

World continues its descent into hell

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

It's all okay though - scientists say beer is good for you

After decades of war, carbs are no longer the enemy

Beware adverts for 'flatmates with benefits'

Family's baby pictures are somehow news

News oddly quiet about cancer breakthrough

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Newspaper quietly reinforces gender stereotypes

Bureaucracy gone mad!

Text-neck will kill us all!

Thanks Starbucks, but Italy's got this covered!

First world problems: all day breakfasts not going so well

Man likes parrot a little too much

Study states the obvious: sugar is bad for your teeth

Man's inhumanity to drones continues apace

Scaremongering bullshit

Models has had enough of media's narrow definition of beauty

Two-faced politician twat surprises no-one

Stars in their bras: Jodhi Meares

And finally: house does look a bit like the Millennium Falcon

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 15th October 2015

The news in brief:

Rich fuckbag kills wild animal

Pilot is way cooler than you

Italy says it's okay to whack it at work!

Economy a little bit less shit

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Scotland to get more Game of Thrones-y

Murdering bastards treat children like shit

Apparently being a terrorist isn't all croquet and cucumber sandwiches. Who knew!?

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Drug policy surprisingly lax

Spiders will kill us all!

Wintery weather forecast for the rest of the year

Cybercrimes on the rise. Skynet unavailable for comment.

CEO not so good at marketing

Man has dubious qualifications

Mad suggestion that we should protect our kids

Nothing says 'compassion' quite like a barbed wire fence

Rich man is pretty fucking rich

World's longest water slide looks totally unreal

Everyone loves kittens. Even gorillas.  

Stars in their bras: Lady Michelle Mone

And finally: the Mayor of London plays for keeps

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 14th October 2015

The news in brief:

The Summary Squirrel gives us his take on the week's news: